No matter what you go through in life there comes a time when you have to let go, forgive and move on. Forgiving someone is the greatest gift you can give yourself, but forgiving someone is always more easily accomplished than forgiving yourself. Many times we justify our anger toward others, and rationalize it’s okay to be angry at them. Sometimes we should be angry at them. However, anger projected on to someone else is rarely theirs. It usually belongs to us, and if we aren’t able to forgive ourselves, we usually mask our anger with addictions. The only way to stop our anger or other hurt feelings is to forgive ourselves.

Understanding our emotions is one of the most important ways we take care of our heart and minds. With self-forgiveness, what makes it difficult is identifying the emotion and then finding out what makes you so defensive when you feel it. There are typically six feelings that surface when we need to forgive ourselves.

1. Anger. If you have suffered from anger for years after the incident that caused it to happen, there is a good chance you need to forgive yourself for something that happened in that incident.
2. Your reaction. If your reaction is completely blown out of proportion in regards to a situation that happens similar to what happened to you, then you have not let go.
3. Withdrawal and depression are signs that you haven’t let go and still blame yourself. Usually these two feelings are so hurtful they are dealt with by using denial through addictions.
4. If you are no longer interested in an activity that you use to love, it is very likely you still blame yourself for part of the situation that happened to you.
5. If you no longer seek friends to connect with, there is a good chance that you are still blaming yourself for the past.
6. Anxiety. If you continue to react with anxiety or stress when a program is on TV or an article is discussed that was about or like your situation, then self-forgiveness is necessary.

The 12 step programs have led the way to self-forgiveness for many. The steps help members accept their mistakes, and also encourage them to break through the denial and forgive themselves as well as others.  Forgiveness of self is painful, and it takes a long while to not only admit your mistakes but also to forgive them. I have suggestions that can help you accept yourself flaws and all, as well as forgive yourself.

1. Create a sacred place in your home and ask for help in forgiving yourself. Stay open to God and begin the process of accepting grace.
2. Seek out the help of your faith leader. Often times, sacraments such as confession help with being able to accept blame without feeling damned.
3. For many, being able to tell your mistakes or shameful feelings from the past to someone without judgment helps you forgive yourself.
4. Become involved in a group that gives back to those suffering or going through the same situation you need to be forgiven for. Teaching and mentoring are used in the 12 step program for those struggling with alcoholism.
5. Counseling always helps in this area. For women who in the past may have gotten an abortion and now feel guilty, counseling helps so much.

We all have mistakes and sins in our past that need our forgiveness. Skipping this stage is not healthy emotionally or physically. We cannot see the soul; however, its influence over our conscience as well as our physical body exists. Self-forgiveness heals and creates a power of compassion for others’ mistakes as well. If you are a human, you sin and need self-forgiveness.

There is a disorder that is making more and more sense into why couples break up. The personality trait is called “Alexithymia,” and it renders the person it affects unable to communicate their feelings or understand their feelings as well as their partner’s. Communication is the number one reason most relationships break up or divorce, so understanding what happens and why some people have such difficulty communicating may help save marriages and shed light into how marital therapy can help these couples.

As you can imagine, the person who has this condition does not suffer alone, and their partner usually feels lonely and unable to connect. Nick Frye-Cox is a doctoral student at the University of Missouri, and after studying people with these conditions, reports that although the affected person can describe physical feelings such as a headache, stomachache or rapid heart rate, they cannot identify if the emotion accompanying the physical affects is sad, happy, or upset. People with this disorder have trouble relating to others and they tend to be uncomfortable in social situations, which may also cause them to suffer social anxiety. They present as being the “stoic type,” and avoid emotional topics. Many of these people do marry because they like the security and sense of feeling that they belong, but they are incredibly difficult to form an emotional intimate relationship with. When surveyed, these people reported feeling lonely and had low marriage quality.

Alexithymia does affect both males and females, but it affects men more. People with this condition are constantly weighing the costs and benefits of being in a relationship, so they enter and exit quite easily because they don’t expect the others to be able to meet their needs, and they don’t try to meet the needs of others they are involved with. 

This personality trait is correlated with other conditions such as autism, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorders, substance abuse and depression. The treatment for Alexithymia may be dependent on the disorder it accompanies, but if you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from it, the following suggestions may help minimize the communication problems. There is a spectrum for this disorder, meaning some people may suffer from it minimally while others suffer severely.

1. If you are in a committed relationship with someone suffering from this disorder, the most important thing is to take care of you. Begin therapy for you for emotional strength and guidance.
2. Since your partner cannot appreciate emotions and discuss them, it will be important to establish a group of close friends who are aware of your situation.
3. Become invested in your interests, especially if they are of the emotional nature. This will help you feel more complete.
4. When you do things with your partner make sure they are things you both enjoy doing together. Sharing activities can keep you close and connected on a physical level.
5. If you have mature children, both you and your children should discuss the trait so your child understands. Helping your children understand their parent’s inability to express or understand emotion helps them feel more secure in themselves.

Since the majority of these relationships are not strong, it is important that you don’t blame your partner for what they cannot do. It is a trait passed on genetically, or a reaction to severe stress. I have seen couples work through this disorder, but it requires patience and understanding from both partners. Having Alexithymia is not a death sentence for a relationship if the couple works together ensuring both partners’ needs are fulfilled in other ways.

When we think of suicide we think of young adults; adolescents who have lost their way and are addicts or young people who suffer a huge blow and no longer have a family to go home to or a place to live.  The new picture of suicide is changing and the number of lives taken among baby boomers or middle age adults has grown extraordinarily. According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), from 2000 to 2010 the suicide rate among Americans aged 35 to 64 rose by 30%. Both men and women commit suicide, but more men take their own lives. The most pronounced increases were seen among men in their 50’s with a suicide rate jumping to nearly 50%.

The CDC offers several hypotheses with what is behind the high suicide rate in baby boomers.  The boomers are the generation taking care of everything. They have their family, their aging parents, their kid’s college expenses as well as their own careers and spouses to take care of. Tough economic conditions as well as the wide spread use of Oxy Contin and other opioid drugs are easily prescribed and are lethal at high doses. The CDC also projects that this high suicide rate is much higher than what is actually reported, and they see the trend continuing with changes in marriage, social isolation and a shift in family roles. 

If you are concerned about suicidal feelings you are having or someone you love is having, urgency is important. The chance for suicide is greater if you suffered a loss, feel isolated, suffered a painful loss or feel that there is an impending change that you cannot deal with.

These are very typical suicide warnings that you may see:

• Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill yourself.
• Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
• Talking about being a burden to others.
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
• Sleeping too little or too much.
• Withdrawing or feeling isolated.
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
• Displaying extreme mood swings.

This number has a licensed counselor available 24/7 and they can help you stay safe. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Or go on line for more information: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Specific to Houston: Houston Area Suicide Prevention Houstonareasuicideprevention@gmail.com

When someone is actively suicidal they are no longer thinking rationally or beyond the moment. They feel unable to deal with the pain of their situation and are searching for relief. With support, counseling and medical care they can work through the issues that seem overwhelming during the moment. If you see a posting on Facebook or Twitter that you are concerned with, you can alert authorities for a stranger, but if you know them, offer to help them help themselves. A suicide notice is a warning that the person does not want to do what they are planning on doing.

There is nothing a child can do that will help them to learn team spirit and comradely as well as sports can. Baseball and football are as American as apple pie and ice cream. However, a recent national survey showed that 59% of kids say they expect to get hurt as part of the game. In fact, these kids also revealed that coaches, teammates, and in some cases their own parents, tried to make them play injured. 69% of young athletes who were hurt said they continued to play hurt, and half of them said they hid their injuries in order to play. The kids surveyed were boys and girls ages 8 to 14 years old. 11% of these kids said they were offered money or gifts to hurt another player, and 64% of them said they were afraid of getting hurt by someone while playing the sport.

The national survey comes from i9 Sports Association and went on to say that 81% of the kids that played hurt received accolades from their teammates as being tough, a great player and cool.  Of the children surveyed who decided not to play hurt, they commented they were insulted and called names sometimes by their own parents. The names included, but were not limited to, “cry baby,” “mama’s boy,” “wuss,” and “wimp.” Of the 37% of kids who said someone tried to make them play while they were hurt, most of the pressure reportedly came from other teammates, 41% of the time it was the coach, and 35% of the time it was the parents.

Winning at all cost has gone on since the first game ever played. The pressure grows as athletes become more and more competitive, and more and more is invested with scholarships, school funding, and community support. These young athletes can risk their adult health by ignoring a further deteriorating health issue that is never allowed to heal. Parents who encourage their child to play hurt with abusive insults are engaging in child abuse, as are coaches who do the same thing.  If your child feels that you value their skill more than you do their health, or how they feel physically or emotionally, you are telling them they are worthy due to their ability to win. This is not a healthy message, and it isn’t what team sports are about.

Team sports are so advantageous to your child. The benefits below are just a few.

• Teaching children good sportsmanship. Kids learn to lose and win and handle both with grace.
• Statistics show that kids involved in sports are more inclined to be successful with academics as well. Sports help teach kids determination.
• Kids who play sports are less likely to abuse their bodies with drinking or smoking due to having to perform well.
• Kids who are in team sports learn how to make good friends and keep them. Sports teach compassion and what it feels like to make a mistake.

Parents are meant to be their child’s biggest advocate on the field and their protector. It is a parent’s job to protect their child’s health above all else, including a big win. Parents are the ones who should talk to a coach if they are concerned about a teammate’s comments, as well as a coach’s. Sports are an opportunity to help expand your child’s self-esteem and help them develop emotionally as well as physically. No one can do that when they have an injury. Protect your child and remember, they will remember how well or not well you handled every part of their childhood.

Parents worry about self-esteem with their children. A low self-esteem is correlated with poor academic and personal development. Building a healthy self-esteem takes years, and parents, teachers and the child’s community help foster the child growing up to feel good about him or herself. Part of self-esteem is learning self-respect. You aren’t born with an understanding of self-respect, so the people closest to you model and teach you this characteristic.

Last week in the news there was a story about a concert performer who was on the stage when a woman in the audience jumped onto the stage and performed a sexual act to him. It was disgusting, and of course social media spread it like a bad flu to everyone who was in harm’s way of catching it. The performer, as well as his public relations people, told the media that they couldn’t help it. He was unable to stop the performance or the behavior.

What? Couldn’t stop it or didn’t know how? How about stopping the performance and making a point of the inappropriateness of this action? Or how about if he spoke into the microphone and said to the crowd that he had too much respect for himself and his fans to allow this on stage? The problem wasn’t that he couldn’t stop it; the problem is he wasn’t comfortable with what it would say about his manliness, his brand or his music.

Self-respect is your reputation and in life that becomes your brand. What you allow yourself to become involved with, say or do is what you are building as your brand. If you aren’t able to stand up for yourself and say “NO” on your behalf, you are demonstrating what lack of self-respect looks like. The problem becomes complicated with the advent of social media and people with little self-respect desiring fame, but not understanding or caring that the fame they get may cost them their reputation.

Parents need to help their kids feel strong enough to say “No.” No to sex, no to drugs, no to texting in the car, and the list goes on and on, but mostly parents need to teach their kids why those things are important. It’s important because respecting your own voice, your life, others’ lives, and your ability to be trusted teaches others how to treat you. If you esteem yourself, you are teaching others your boundaries of right and wrong. Empowering kids to stand up for their own reputation has never been tougher, but below I have suggestions that can help.

1. Teach your child what respect looks like. You do this by modeling, but also by pointing out people who show you respect.
2. Talk to your child about what they want to do with their life. Help them define a goal and a path to get there. When kids own their dreams they protect their future and their reputation more.
3. Honor your core values and don’t sell out. Your core values are what you stand for and they protect your reputation.
4. Spend time helping others with volunteer projects. Kids who get involved with working and helping others are actually teaching themselves about their own boundaries and deriving self-respect.
5. Part of self-respect is empowering your teens to say “no” to sex. Parents should talk to their children about sex and help them feel reassured by saying no. Pressure and body language can make it difficult for self assured kids to say no, but even more difficult for kids that aren’t as confident. Boys need help as well as girls. Brainstorming with your kids about things they can say back to pressure helps. Phrases such as if a date tells them, “Everybody’s doing it,” your child can respond back assuredly and with confidence, “I’m not everybody and I don’t have to do it just because everyone else is,” which helps your child feel confident about protecting themselves.

Teaching self-respect is successful when we model what self-respect looks like. Saying no is never easy if the crowd is all saying yes. However, when you know who you are and what you stand for, then it becomes easy to say the right thing for you and not worry about what everyone else is going to think or say. The ability to set a standard for yourself, and honor your code of honor will be respected by you and anyone who walks into your life.

*I am not a fan of rap music. However, had this artist taken a self-respectable stance, and been able to demonstrate on stage what self-respect  looks like, I would have been tempted to buy every one of his CDs.

Body image is a struggle for every woman and it begins early. Children at the age of six are asking questions about are they pretty, are they too fat, and complaining about specific faults. Parents are the mentors for body image and moms seem to have the biggest problem. If you want to help your child build a healthy body image, thinking about how grateful you are to your body is a great place to begin.  Children mimic what they hear, and hearing grateful phrases from someone as important as mom will help them appreciate their body. We cannot help our children unless we help ourselves first.

1. You are my body and I claim you and will take care of you.
2. I will move you every day because I know moving helps you stay strong.
3. The parts of you I love most are …………….., ………….., and …………………………..
4. I love that you help me embrace and love my partner, my children, my family and friends.
5. I love that you can feel things and help me deal with what I have to deal with each day.
6. I love the way you respond by calming down when I treat you to a bubble bath, shower or walking hand in hand with my partner.
7. I love the way you look in my favorite outfits.
8. I love the way you warn me with a headache, tummy ache or neck ache when I need to stop and take a break.
9. I love the way you help me love another intimate partner and the pleasure you bring me as well as my partner.
10. I love the way you allowed me to have a child or father a child. I know I may have complained the whole time, but that was awesome.
11. I love the way you make me distinguishable that someone can recognize me by my voice, my eyes, or the gait of my walk.
12. I love the way you help me heal when I catch a virus, even though I complain about the symptoms you are experiencing.
13. I love the way you will experience something touching to me by showing my feelings in my eyes.
14. I love the way you multi-task and allow me to exercise in the morning, pack the kid’s lunches, go to work, and do it all over again each day.
15. I love the way you rebound when I am abusive with my words of disgust at you, or with my behaviors putting you in harms’ way. If I drink alcohol or smoke, both of these are abusive to you as well, and still you try to stay healthy.

 

We make demands on our bodies each day and for the most part we don’t think about the foods we eat, the drinks we drink or the unhealthy things we say and do to our bodies. Having a healthy body requires awareness of taking good care of it, and one of the ways you can take care of your body is to focus on what a wonderful gift it is. Teach others to respect your body by using respectful language when you talk about your body.

Last week a major news affiliate published a poll asking readers to vote on whether or not a woman is too fat for her profession. In this case the woman being talked about what a cheerleader. When I saw the tweet come across my Twitter page it sickened me to think this would be a topic that others would consider commenting about or consider answering. Working with eating disorders and young girls who have a brittle sense of self-esteem, this type of comment sickens me. Are we such a shallow society that a woman’s competency is based on her body rather than her skills? The woman being talked about is a dancer and very athletic. She is an excellent professional NBA cheerleader. However, her physique is muscular and doesn’t match the thin physique of other cheerleaders. Have we become so critical and narrow as a society that we can actually make fun of or eliminate skilled women based on how attractive they are? Does a cheerleader have to fit a certain body criteria in order to be excellent? The cheerleader in question can jump, scream and is as energetic as others on the squad. Most likely, it is because she is not malnourished and has the energy to sustain her exercise needs.

This survey was instigated by a woman, and what is interesting is the majority of the men’s comments flattered the cheerleader. They responded that she looked like a healthy, attractive woman. However, girls and athletes who commented personalized the cheerleader’s weight and responded that they too could stand to lose a few pounds. Obviously, women and men see this situation differently, but women seem much quicker to attack other women. Do women actually objectify other women more than men, and if women do, is it caused by their own internal body hate or dislike many of them feel? These are questions we should think about and resolve before we raise daughters or sons. Blaming media and men is not the answer. A post such as this no doubt helps engage viewers and may even raise ratings, but what are we telling the millions of women who see it and begin feeling shame about their less than perfect bodies? Below are a few suggestions to help you help yourself with your own body image.

1. The first thing you have to do is get a size out of your mind. There is no universal perfect size. Stop reading the magazines that promote anything perfect. Anything perfect is not real.
2. Do not say anything negative about your body, hair, or face all day. Replace anything negative you would usually say with something positive.
3. When you look at people, instead of noticing their “physical flaws” notice their beautiful aspects. Notice lips, eyes, neck, arms, shoulders, and anything else that is physically beautiful to you.
4. Don't let anyone say anything disrespectful about your looks all day. Many women let people talk to them in a disrespectful way. They have grown so use to it, they no longer notice. Today is the day to notice it and make it verboten.
5. Move your body; this can be done by engaging in a walk, biking, or dancing.
6. Any smell that makes you feel beautiful is a good smell to have in your presence. Women are very sensitive to smell. Sometimes a smell can change our whole mood.
7. Sing to “your song.” What is your song? That song should make you feel beautiful, happy, sexy, and alive. If you don't have one, you need to identify one and sing it to feel vibrant and beautiful.
8. Are you watching a show that promotes something to help you get rid of something ugly? Switch the channel. Advertisements are created to get you to buy their product. They know the power of beauty. Beauty is not for sale, but plastic surgery and treatments are. Beauty comes from feeling beautiful and acting on that thought.
9. Feeling beautiful has a lot to do with feeling comfortable about your body. Do you feel like a stranger to your body? Begin touching, exercising, and listening to your body so you know the sensitive parts, the strong parts, and the areas of your body that need more attention. Don't expect a partner to know how to love your body if you don't.
10. Take care to smile more when you want to feel more beautiful. Everyone always looks more beautiful when they smile.

A poor body image reflects on our judgment of ourselves as deeply as it reflects on our judgments of others. The time to build a healthy body image begins in childhood, and continues on to adulthood. Society can continue to objectify women if women allow themselves to be objectified. Believing one’s looks determines their worth not only limits you, but also limits those you judge as unworthy.

When you hear the word Puma, you may think of an athletic shoe or a cougar’s little sister, but in the UK it is taking on a new meaning. A Puma is a previously married and attractive man that women who want to get married seek to find. These women are choosing experience over youth, and they believe that divorced men make better husbands. In the UK, where the initial survey was done, they found more than half a million women would rather date a mature man than someone younger than them. The women were particularly interested when the guy was divorced, citing reasons that men who are once married are more sensitive, understanding and know the “rules“ of marriage more than their never married counterparts.

The marital research in the U.S. does not support the U.K.’s puma-thinking philosophy. Marital research in the U.S. gives second marriages a more doomed future than first marriages. Psychology Today stated that 60% of second marriages fail. They fail more quickly than first time marriages. After ten years, 37% have dissolved compared to 30% of first marriages.

Marital research suggests that couples that wait at least three years after a divorce to begin dating seriously, and eventually getting re-married, have a better chance of staying together and being content. Below are several suggestions that can help you secure your marriage a second time if re-marriage is in your future.

1. Know and accept responsibility for what happened in your first marriage leading to divorce. People who marry still believing it was their ex’s fault that they divorced are not good spouse material.
2. Have clear rules and boundaries with the ex, and understand your parenting role if there are children. Re-marriages cannot support weight of baggage from your first marriage.
3. Money is the main issue that causes breakup from a second marriage, so make sure your finances are talked about, and handled responsibly.
4. People who are in second and third marriage are less likely to be forgiving and believe in the commitment of marriage. Therefore, they walk away sooner. This makes sense if you put yourself in their position. They can no longer honestly say, “Divorce is not an option.” It was an option in the past, and it can be again. If you want total commitment, you have to work harder to protect it than you may have in a first marriage. 

Just as premarital counseling helps secure first time marriages; it can also help secure re-marriages. Counseling helps the couple define the areas of struggle and provides healthier options to deal with them. Being divorced one time can happen, but if there is a second or third time, the problem may not be your ex. Look in the mirror and be honest prior to re-marriage.

No matter whom you are married to, live with or work with, the one thing you can anticipate is conflict. Unhappy, angry people have conflict just as happy go lucky people do. The difference is the happier ones know how to use conflict resolution to draw closer, whereas, the unhappy people use it as a wedge to deepen their hatred trench. If you want to be successful in business and relationships, then dealing with conflict in a healthy way is a must. In a recent article from the New York Times the author talks about the field of conflict resolution and domestic diplomacy. Being a certified anger resolution therapist, I was intrigued. Learning how to understand conflict and teaching couples how to use it as a way to enhance their marriage and in their work place is something relatively easy to teach.  

One of the first things I like teaching couples is the importance of how they address themselves within the marriage. For example, there is ample research to support that couples saying, “I” or “we” are happier. Those who say, “you” are not. For example, saying, “You feel this way” or “You always say this” is going to start a conflict, because it sounds accusatory.  Compare that to, “I think this” or “we went away.” This makes whoever you say it to feel acknowledged and helps them be receptive to what is next. As Dr. Pennebaker, a well-published psychologist says, “If you want to stop conflict in your relationship, quit saying YOU.” Two other words to avoid for family peace are NEVER and ALWAYS.

The second key for success in your relationship is one researched by Dr. John Gottman, a guru in the field of couples therapy and one I talk about frequently, which includes the ratio of how many good things you say to one another versus the number of negative things said. Gottman’s research has shown that the first three minutes of each conversation determines the most important points of positive vs. negative. After that it gets louder but the content is repeated. Couples who are aware of this can be careful with their first three minutes, and if they feel angry, rather than using words to negate or hurt, they can ask for a time out. Getting space changes everything. This plan rubs off on the kids too, and you will see less conflict among the kids when parents focus on how they manage their own conflicts.

A third and very important point stated in the NYT article as well as most couple’s therapy sessions is to remember the importance of coming and going. The majority of family fights occur when members are coming together or saying goodbye. For example, getting your kids to school, and leaving for work in the morning, and coming home in the evening. More fascinating is that men and women agreed that the time from 6 to 8 p.m. were the most stressful times. Men said they were excited and happy about coming home, but women said they were stressed due to the anticipation of all the things required at home such as taking care of the kids, and housework. Knowing this, try enjoying quiet time when you first come home, and teaching this to your children as well. Get everyone fed, and allow family members time to change clothes and relax prior to digging in to the night time activities. 

In the business world as well as home there are little things that can make a huge difference when talking with someone. For example, if you want someone to feel relaxed and open, have them sit in a cushioned chair. When you sit in a hard chair you automatically become more rigid and defensive. Every home and office should have a couple of chairs that are padded well, and comfy. It is no surprise that in almost every counseling practice there are ample soft chairs.

We become so wrapped up in our beliefs and getting our way that we forget it is much better if both of us get our way. This is not only possible, but it predicts the happiness within a marriage, family and work place. You don’t need counseling to achieve conflict resolution, but you do need a willing partner or colleague. Sometimes, negotiating this does require therapeutic intervention.

With the recent happenings in Boston and Texas, I am reminded of our “little ones.” If you are a parent, your child monitors their reaction by watching yours. Here are a few suggestions to help you help your child.  

1. Parents are a barometer for their children, and children are skilled with reading their parent’s emotions. So, before you talk to your children, make sure you know how you feel about what happened, and if you are anxious or not ready to help your child feel secure, delay talking with them about it.
2. Don’t mention the trauma part to your children and don’t assume what they are afraid of. Rather, ask them specifically so you won’t introduce another possible fear. If they mention they are afraid that something bad may happen to them, validate that by saying it’s natural to feel that way, but also tell them you are going to do everything you can to keep them safe.
3. Limit the news in your home regarding the tragedies. Children don’t understand the replays and they may be at the level of thinking each time they view the incident that it is happening again. The visual parts as well as the audio accounts of the recent tragedies once seen and heard may create anxiety, nightmares, and depression in children.
4. As much as possible, stay on your routine at home. This will give your child stability and reduce anxiety.
5. As a family, draw cards, send letters, and/or bake cookies for the families or people in the community where the tragedies occurred, or for someone needing them in your own community. This helps your child see that there are more good people than bad.
6. This is an excellent time to set up an emergency plan in your own home. Go through what you each will do if there is an emergency. This empowers children and helps them feel more in control. Remind them of a time something happened and what they did to help. Also remind them of how proud you were of them.
7. Take extra time at night to read stories, watch movies, or say prayers. This helps kids feel safer and it is also a time when questions come up that parents can use to help understand how their child is processing the tragedies.
8. This is a good time to bring your spiritual beliefs to the forefront. Things such as having a mass said, lighting a candle, or planting a tree for the people who lost their lives is important. It helps your child see that no matter what happens people do care and they do remember. Spirituality is also important because it gives us strength beyond our human capacity.
9. Listen to your children.  Children’s brains work differently than adults, and by careful listening you can better ascertain where your child is having a difficult time with the recent events.

10.  Grieving with your child will help them heal. Children grieve much differently than adults. Their time frame isn’t the same as ours. They may be playing and jumping around one minute, and sitting alone by a tree the next. Grieving in children isn’t normal for adults to witness and we want to cheer them up. This is a time to acknowledge when they are sad and then brainstorm with them what they can do (with your help) to feel better. Always identify with trying to do something good with your child for others.

Parents should always answer questions and tell their children the truth. However, wait for the question and answer in simple ways that are age appropriate for your child. Grief takes time and if you are worried your child is not working through their grief, take them to their pediatrician and work with someone they suggest for emotional support. When bad things happen the greatest source of encouragement comes from mom and dad and family.