I wanted to say a quick thank you to Richard Zwolinksi, who interviewed me recently for his Therapy Soup column on PsychCentral.com.  I enjoyed speaking with him and felt that his article did a great job of telling my story.

Here is a link!

Edit (2-11-10): Here is a link to part 2 of the interview.

Have a great weekend.

My best friend is a sculptor. I don't mean the kind you do with a knife on wood or ice, I mean with her husband. She never talks bad about him to me or any of her other friends. She changes any topic to bring out how great he is. She does that to his face too. In fact, the other night at dinner he said something funny (it really wasn't but we all laughed), and she responded with, "You are so funny, I just love it." My husband adores her because she is so kind to her husband. I love her, because I leave every encounter with her feeling happy that she loves him so much. Her husband adores her too because she brings out the very best in him. He brags all the time that she is the one who worked on his head so he could actually complete medical school. I am not sure if my friend ever saw a flaw in her husband, but I am sure if she did she would turn it into an asset that would benefit him.

My friend is not a scientist, nor is she in the field of psychology. She most likely has never heard of the "Michelangelo phenomenon." This Phenomenon that was studied by Eli Finkel, and Caryl Rusbult shows that when close partners affirm and support each other's ideal selves, they and the relationship benefit greatly. When the spouse sculpted the relationship well the relationship functions better, and both partners are happier. So why is this different than just being a loving, supportive partner? Many times when you are loving or supportive, you aren't effective at helping your partner achieve their highest goals. If you think about it, you are sculpting away the flaws in your partner to help them develop their own dreams, aspirations and other traits they hope to learn. For example, if your wife wants to go back to school, you sculpt her so she can be a better organizer and task completer. You find out what it is you can do to make going back to school easier for her. If it means you pick up the kids, make dinner, and help the kids with their homework, you do that while telling her how great she is doing in school. Telling her how wonderful she's doing can help her keep up with everything, including her homework. You help your partner see how skilled she is so she won't feel the stress and become overwhelmed. The more confident she becomes, the more she will feel in control.

Tips in learning how to sculpt

1. Find out what your partner's dreams and/or aspirations are. Trying to make the person into someone you want, and not someone they want to be, is called controlling, not sculpting.

2. When you find out which areas your partner wants to be stronger in, or the areas in which they feel the most vulnerable, ask them how they see you being able to help (you are asking for guidance here).

3. When your partner says something or presents a situation where you see they need a little help, you encourage them by reminding them of another time when they were able to do this. For example, if your partner usually forgets names at a party, and they feel badly about this, the next time you go to a party with them, say the person's name for your partner. Then when your partner meets this person and can say their name, you give them a little hug and say something like "You are so good with people." You don't remind them of how you helped them. Your partner begins to build more confidence with this and doesn't get as anxious about it at the next party.

The idea behind sculpting is that you do this for a long time. The craft of sculpting takes years of chipping away to encourage your partner to become their true self. The difficulty with sculpting is that it must be done without trying to make the person change to make you happier. Sculpting someone (chipping away at them) to change something you don't like is called "nagging." It usually causes food addiction, alcohol addiction and/or divorce.

It was inevitable, women kept going to school (at present more women are going to college than men), stopped getting married young to have children (women are at present taking less time off from their careers to have children and care for them), and now four out of ten women earn more than their husbands. Let us not forget that even though women are making more money than before, we still earn, overall, 77.9 cents for every dollar earned by men.

Women who are in primary bread winning roles in their family are on their own. They are reinventing a family life very different from the one in which they grew up. Many couples find the need to redefine their roles and they may feel more comfortable if these roles remain traditional. In reality, there is no way a woman can (or should) imagine she can work a twelve hour day and come home to face kids and laundry. This leads to a stress in the marriage and a breakdown in communication between husband and wife. Many couples look for the solution to who will do what? It sounds easy, "you take the trash out and I will wash the dishes." If men are not working outside the home, or are the house dad at home, they may cling to the more traditional male roles as a way to continue their masculine self-image. These feelings may not be rational at times, but honoring them may be marriage saving. In several studies, men whose wives earned more than they did actually withdrew and isolated themselves from chores unless the more traditional roles were established. This may be due to him needing to feel like the head of the home, or it could be his wife needs these traditional roles so she can feel like she has a man who does manly chores.

Men with working wives take on more housework than men with stay at home moms. However, they still lag behind by five hours a week. In families with small children, the gap becomes even wider with women spending 17 more hours per week than men on household chores.

If you are in a family where you earn more than your husband, or your wife earns more than you, these suggestions may help ease the transitions of who does what. After all, the important thing is that the chores get done.

1.  You are in it together.
   How much you earn is not the issue. The issue is who is going to do what to keep the family together. You will have a less stressful marriage if you work it together. Organize a weekly calendar and put it up in a central location. Let the kids pitch in too. Everyone has to work together to keep the family happy and healthy. Do not let yourself get caught up in who does more, or who makes more. You are both contributing to the same goal (a happy, healthy marriage and family).
2.  How much you make should not prevent you from doing your fair share at home.
   Boasting that you make more money and therefore your spouse should do more is not a good idea if you want a healthy marriage. No matter if your partner makes $26,000 a year and you make $150,000 a year, both of you are still working 40 hours a week and contributing. Most likely, you both have the same amount of free time. Demeaning your partner's job and elevating yours is a sign of arrogance, not a cooperative partner. Make a schedule that gives each of you some playtime, and also time for chores that need to be done.
3. Don't forget date time.
   Most of us work at our jobs to better our families and our situation. We cannot work without taking time away. This time away with your spouse is so important. Many times couples fight when they are stressed and feeling overwhelmed. It is not about the chores or family income that precipitates divorce. It is a loss of connectedness to one's spouse. All the money in the world will not matter unless the person you are married to loves you and wants to share their life with you. Take the time to get away and let go of chores and other demands. They will be there when you get home.
4. Socialize with other couples with the same lifestyle as yours.
   Socializing with other couples lowers your blood pressure and your risk of heart attacks. Get out with your spouse and enjoy laughing and sharing dinner with friends. Couples who play together really do share chores and work together more effectively.
5. The recession is impacting men's jobs more than women's.
   My daughter's professor calls the recession the mancession. More men have been affected by the recession with layoffs and cuts than women. Therefore, just because you do earn more than your hubby, it does not mean you are better or more qualified. Be grateful you have a job no matter how much you make, and celebrate his job or what he is able to accomplish at home. Men derive self-esteem and self worth by the work they do. Losing their job is much more difficult for a man to deal with than it is for a woman. Your man may need your support and assurance that he is still the "man" of the house no matter who brings home the bacon.

I came from a home where my mother was more educated and earned more than my father. He worked nights at a menial job and earned half of her salary. They worked together, and they were able to hold us children accountable for doing chores so we could survive. My dad was my primary caretaker during the day. The guy slept about 4 hours at night (from the time my mother came home to the time he went to the graveyard shift). They raised nine children. I evaluate every man by my father's strong, sensitive, nurturing abilities. A man's (and woman's worth) can never be judged by what they earn.

The segment on The Today Show this morning went great, and is now available for on MSNBC.com in case you missed it.

Here is the screen shot from The Today Show's website.

I am really excited that tomorrow morning, I am going to be on the Today Show with Dr. Jeffery Long.  The focus of the interview is going to be on my Near Death Experience which I chronicled in my first book Is God Pink.  If I know in advance what time the segment is going to come on, I will update this blog post!

Update: The segment is scheduled to air at approximately 8:41 am tomorrow.  I hope you will be able to tune in!

There are many women who are in their late thirties and forties who would like to find someone with whom to have a relationship and get married. Some of these women are accomplished, bright, and pretty, and as they tell me they cannot find someone, I am flabbergasted. I meet great men all the time.  It only takes one man to get married, so what is the problem? Well, the longer you talk to these women one thing becomes very clear. Many of them are looking for Mr. Perfect. Before I go any further let me define what I mean by Mr. Perfect.  I am not saying that you should not be picky. I am saying that before you judge you should be very honest with yourself. What do you have to offer? What are your weaknesses? What are your strengths? If you are looking for someone with ambition, are you really looking for someone who will work so you can stay home? If you decide not to date someone because he is too short, is his height more of value to you than his heart?

I recently read a book titled “Marry him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. The author (who is 42 years old and has a child from a sperm donor) now realizes she wants a husband with whom to share her life. She talks about all of the good enough men (who look great now) she knew in her twenties and thirties that she let go of due to some minor defect (height, weight, what they did for a living). She now sees them with their wives and children and she feels envy for the wife. She didn’t realize the importance of having a husband, and before she knew it she was forty.

When this author was asked why she and other women who ended up unmarried at forty didn’t marry she replied that she thought she was resistant to compromise. She said she felt entitled to having a Mr. Right that looked a certain way, had a certain job, and was able to express romantic gestures in a certain way. Yes, you are entitled to that thinking. However, that thinking is going to leave you very much alone.  People don’t come with microchips that you can program. They come to us scarred, and sensitive to emotions we may not understand. They may present to us as good looking at first, but that can change quickly when we see them act cruelly to us or to someone else. 

If you are alone and want to be married by the end of the year there are several ideas you may want to consider.

1. What makes you someone that someone else would want to marry?
2. What can you tolerate in another, and what can’t you tolerate in another person? If there are things you cannot tolerate, try to get that list below 2 or 3 characteristics.
3. What areas of your life are you unwilling to share? The shorter that list, the better also.  Many times people will answer that question without complete honesty. Be aware, others feel vibes of those areas even if you aren’t able to admit them.

Marriage is not perfect, and the only reason to get married is because you find someone you want to share your life with. There is no better way to understand you than to be married. It will show you every selfish, cruel bone you have in your body. It also has an incredible way of showing you every ounce of compassion and tolerance you have in your heart. To be married to Mr. Good Enough is preferable for me because what growth would there be for me if I were married to Mr. Perfect?

I work at the Methodist Weight Management program. It is not uncommon for women to tell me they became morbidly obese after they got married. In fact many women will recite that they were thin until the birth of their first baby. They are frustrated and do not understand what happened. Many of these women feel guilty because they believe it is the way they eat or not enough exercise. Certainly behavior changes do contribute to weight gain, but maybe it has more to do with the couple and what they are doing together that leads to weight gain for the wife?

Annette J. Dobson, a professor of biostatistics at the University of Queensland in Australia reported that adjusting for other variables on average a woman who weighs 140 pounds who has a partner whether she lives with him or is married to him gains up to 20lbs in ten years if she has a baby, 15 pounds if there is no baby and no partner she gains only 11 pounds.  The number of women with a baby but no partner was too small of a sample size to draw statistically significant conclusions (link to the NY Times Article).

Scientists cannot come up with a reason to believe that having a partner would cause metabolic changes so they are lead to believe that the weight gain among the childless women with partners must be caused by behavioral changes. The weight gain seemed to be steady during the whole 10 year study so whatever behaviors they were changing just kept getting more constant.

This study was done with 6,000 Australian women over a ten year period which ended in 2006. It was difficult studying such a large group over that period of time. By the end of the study more than half of the women had college degrees and about three quarters had partners and half had had at least one baby. Almost all the weight gain happened with the first baby, while subsequent births had little effect. Also by the end of the study there were fewer smokers and risky drinkers than at the beginning. There were fewer women exercising and less of them were working outside the home. But even after adjusting for all of these factors and more, the difference in weight gain among women with and without babies and among women with and without partners remained. This study included only women but the researchers cited one earlier study that showed an increase in obesity among men who had children, adding evidence that behavior changes occur to both partners. Healthy and unhealthy lifestyles affect both men and women.

How to prevent or minimize weight gain as a couple:

1. Get into an exercise program and do it every day (consistency is the key). Don’t focus on the amount of time; try to take mini intense workouts. Walking very fast for 10 minutes is better than walking slow for 20. No time to exercise? Fit walking in whenever you can.
2. When you go out to eat, watch portions. If your husband weighs 200 pounds and is 6 feet and you are 5 feet 2 inches and weigh 140 you should not be eating the same amount of food he does. Cut down half of the portion the restaurant brings you.
3. As much as possible do not eat after 7 p.m. in the evening.
4. Have sex frequently. I don’t know why it works, but it does for burning calories. It also will help with your body image which will help you control your appetite.
5. Pamper yourself with things other than food. Most of what I do at my job is to teach people alternative behaviors to relieve stress that don’t include food.

As couples become comfortable in a relationship they may develop the attitude that they don’t need to stay slim anymore. This is not only untrue but it is dangerous. Most diseases are worsened or precipitated by weight gain. Instead of using food as a measure of comfort couples would be wise to use a new measure such as hugs, snuggling, or massages. In the New Year make it a goal to find a new activity you can do as a couple that doesn’t involve eating.

I am very excited that today, at 8pm central (9 eastern) on Discovery Health the show "I Was Dead" is premiering.  My near death experience which is the basis of my first book "Is God Pink" is one of the story's that the show features.  Check out a preview of the show here.

Here is a link to a nice write-up that the Houston Chronicle posted this morning about the show.

New Year resolutions are made because we are ready for a change. We all have areas in our lives we want to improve, knowing the changes would make us healthier and happier. First, you must decide what you want in your life; get clarity (80% of being successful is being clear about what you want) on your ideal life. See it and create a mental picture of who you would be. There are several questions you need to ask yourself before making a resolution:

1. What do you want to change in your life and why? (The fewer things you want to change, the better. Start with one and build from there).
2. Are you making a resolution for yourself or are you pleasing someone else? Resolutions that are successful are done because you want them to work for you.
3. If you are making a resolution for yourself because it affects others, can you count on them to support you? For example, let’s say you want to lose weight so you can be more active in your kids’ lives. This is a great resolution, but make sure your kids are in on it so they can help by being supportive.
4. Do you have a network of support people who will help you stay on track with your resolution? If your diet is the area you are going to work on, do you have friends who can share healthy recipes? Are your friends willing to engage in different activities with you rather than going out to dinner? Will your friends be able to help motivate you to get back on track when you have fallen off?

Now, after this part of your work is done and you are clear, it is time to begin the change. The tips provided below will help you be the person you envision becoming:

• The first thing you must do is decide why the behavior you are trying to change needs to be changed. You must make a commitment that it will end today. Let’s say you are a smoker. Today you must decide you can no longer live your life as a smoker.
• Next, choose a behavior you can engage in instead of the unhealthy one. For example, do you yell at your kids? A new behavior to replace this with would be whispering at them when you are angry. You may also see that they listen better to whispering instead of yelling or screaming.
• Many of the behaviors we are trying to eliminate are the ones we do during social gatherings. Change the atmosphere and you will help change the cues that make you want to do the destructive behaviors. Drinking, smoking, and over-eating are some of these destructive behaviors. Maybe meet for a walk with friends, or go to a movie, or meet at a coffee house. You can still socialize, but you won’t be as likely to sabotage your healthier behavior.
• Each day, write down the behavior you chose for the day and how you were successful or unsuccessful. It is important that your new behavior continues for at least 30 days so you can become more and more familiar with it. New behaviors are difficult until they feel “natural.”
• Make sure you reward yourself each time you choose a successful, healthy alternative behavior. In a small way, you are learning to “re-parent” yourself by setting a goal and rewarding yourself after you achieve success.

Being successful with making New Year’s resolutions permanent is 99.99999 percent dependent on how bad you want it. Want it, begin it, continue it, and you are it!!!

We all suffer from some version of the same story. Why we do it more at Holidays I don't understand. Is it the stress of shopping? The stress of us being all together for extended periods of time? The stress of "newness with our dates"? According to Elizabeth Scott M.S. there are five basic types of fights we have during this time of year. Although people come in with many of these problems throughout the year, the holidays have a way of bringing every one of them out in a short period of time. . The problems are as universal as the Holidays themselves, but the solutions are not. The tips offered may work for some of you, but for other’s you may benefit from more personalized counseling.

1. Couples either fight about being abandoned at a party or they fight for more space feeling like you are territorial or clingy. This is a complicated problem, because we all have different needs. When you are at a party where you know people you may leave your partner (actually that means you are secure and don't need to hang on to each other). If on the other hand you don't know anyone at a party and your partner does, you may follow them or "cling "to them. You may personally find this distasteful, and due to this feeling you avoid these sorts of parties. The problem is that your partner may like you clinging to them and following them. They may become upset if you begin boycotting their parties just because you aren't comfortable with how you feel. Possible Solution: Talk to your partner prior to going to the party. Make some sort of a "shared signal" so your partner will know you are feeling "alone or abandoned". When they see the signal they can come “rescue you. This way you won’t have to feel clingy and they won’t have to risk feeling like you are monitoring their every move. Many couples opt for taking their own car to the party. This can be a good idea if couples are secure and not threatened by being alone or leaving their partner alone.

2. Couples become upset with how their spouse acts around their family. Do you feel like your husband becomes a little boy again? Or does your wife go into telling her family how "bad you treat her?" Does your spouse change political views, or morals just to be accepted by their parents? These issues and many like them present over 50% of all arguments during the holidays. No wonder, families are together sharing meals, beds, and rooms. The tension is so thick sometimes you can cut it with a knife. Possible Solution: Have a talk to your spouse before you go, and tell them what you notice in regards to their change. Sometimes we are not aware of this change, and when it is pointed out to us we become more conscious of it. Also, tell your spouse how it makes you feel if they criticize you in front of your family or theirs. Usually (hopefully) if spouses know what you are sensitive to, they will not repeat the behaviors that hurt you.

3. Whose parents do you visit for the Holidays? One spouse may be resentful because they feel like you always go to your families. The other spouse may have issues with their family and want to spend the holidays with just you and the kids. Possible Solution: It is wisest to take turns. No one likes to go to the in-laws every year. Alternating families adds excitement, and also a sense of how much your family means to you. It also helps you understand your spouse a little bit more when you spend time with his or her family.

4. One spouse feels angry because they have the responsibility of doing all of the shopping. This spouse thinks it is unfair that they have to buy for their family as well as yours. They want you to buy for your own mom and dad. How did they get stuck with this task anyway? Possible Solution: Make a list as a couple together. You can do all of your shopping on line together, or set a date to go shopping with or without each other. When you establish a list, divide it in half and each of you gets the person on your list a gift. This can be fun! If you stay at home ad order on line put music on, drink hot cider and shop (ordering on line is more efficient and you don't have to fight the crowds). If you each decide to shop on your own, make a date for a lunch together, or stop at a wine bar you have been waiting to try at the end of the day. Make it a romantic outing.

5. Couples feel not appreciated when that they never receive the gift they wanted. Possible Solution: Ladies, if you are thinking Santa's magic is going to make your husband a mind reader at this time of year (when it hasn't happened before) you are sadly mistaken. Tell your spouse directly what you want, or better yet, make him a wish list. This will help you get what you want, and it will make your spouse happy that they were able to please you.

The holidays are a time when everyone is focused on good will toward all. Sitting down and communicating with your spouse before the holidays can help make this a peaceful and wonderful experience for the whole family. Small children love the excitement of the holidays, but they love mom and dad to be happy most of all.

MJo