Everywhere you go people are struggling with financial challenges. It is scary--patients come in because they need help with issues and they are worried about how they will continue to care for their families. This stress can lead to depression, anxiety, hypertension, chronic headaches and, ultimately, to heart disease and cancer. People’s jobs mean a lot to them. It’s how they validate themselves for having a skill and being appreciated and it also establishes security for their families.

Many people are feeling what is called “burn out” right now. This doesn’t start immediately, but rather it builds gradually as they took on more work, were asked to perform different jobs, watched their friends get a pink slip and became anxious that they would be next. Just as it doesn’t begin quickly, it doesn’t leave quickly. In fact many of the feeling associated with burn out take years to work through. Job burn out doesn’t affect just one person either. If one person has it, it grows and soon the whole milieu of the department struggles with it.

How can we identify those people with burn-out or how can we recognize it in ourselves? It begins the same way in most people: normal feelings of depression, anger, frustration, dissatisfaction and anxiety. These are normal with all of us and it usually goes away. With burn-out though, it doesn’t go away. It becomes worse. It turns into a “why bother” attitude. You may acquire physical symptoms such as headaches, hypertension, and stomach problems. There is a feeling of depression or despair that things will never improve. Burn-out stifles creativity so that you can no longer think of new ideas or concepts that would improve your company. Substance abuse and personal problems become more likely.

Suggestions for working through burn-out

1. The worst possible job is the job you have to perform with absolutely no control. You must change this around so you have control over your performance of your job. Ineffective leaders send their employees on wild goose chases working on something that is never going to matter. This can be frustrating because the person performing the job knows it will never matter. A better idea is if you cannot reason with your boss then do the job assigned but also do something creative with your job in another area. When the right time comes show your team or boss what you have worked on. If the boss is not threatened they will appreciate that you have been trying to make the company better.

2. Take better care of yourself. Learn to reward yourself for a job well done. Take time to organize your day. Organize your work area as well as your meals at home with your family. When we develop burn-out we also let go of all areas of our life. Your family needs you to be involved in caring for them. Keep the job at work and your personal life separate.

3. Learn to manage stress. This is the single most important area of taking control back and alleviating “burn out’. When your boss says something that begins to make your head ache or your blood pressure shoot up, take 5 deep breaths. Let them out slowly. Have a favorite mantra or prayer you can repeat to help calm you. Remind yourself “this too shall pass”.

4. If you cannot manage the stress of the job anymore you can always talk to your superior or HR and tell them how the job is affecting your health. If this doesn’t work it may be wise to begin the search for a new job. A job is a way of rewarding yourself and using your skill or talents to make other’s lives better. When it ceases to do that, you may need to sit down and weigh the pros and cons of continuing work at a job that no longer provides the outlet for you to improve your own as well as other’s lives.

MJo

On a recent morning show it was discussed that 15% of men cheat on their wives. This is an approximation as there is no way to know that number for sure (although I believe it is higher then that for politicians). The latest research with the National Opinion Research Center reports as many women cheat as men. In fact in my office I have more women cheating then men.

No one really knows how much either sex cheats; most cheating relies on “self reporting” and we know men report cheating more than women. Men also get caught more then women. Society does not punish men the same way in which it punishes women who cheat. Women are more able to deny it and hide it mostly because their husbands cannot imagine their wife cheating. Men tend to think “if she doesn’t like sex with me how could she possibly enjoy sex with another man?” Well, they do enjoy sex with another man and many of them are experiencing sex with another man.

What kind of women cheat? There is not a set profile on a wife who cheats. There are several characteristics they share and one or several of these will be talked about in counseling when I meet with them.

1. Wives who felt their husbands are inattentive cheat more than women who are married to attentive men. This means that if you don’t comment on your wives looks or compliment her she may feel like you are being inattentive. Women need to be noticed by their husbands and they need to feel like you still desire them.

2. Wives who felt like their husbands wanted them to be a certain way instead of who they actually were had more of a tendency to cheat. This usually looks more like a control issue. Women who report being married to “control freaks” have more of a tendency to cheat.

3. Wives who work with someone who is emotionally available (while their husbands are not) also tend to cheat more. Women fall in love with people they connect to verbally and emotionally. If they work with someone who is empathetic and compassionate and they are married to someone who is cold and aloof at home they may cheat.

4. Couples who work together or are together all of the time seem to have a higher incidence with the wife cheating. Working together, sleeping together, eating together, living together can get monotonous. Unless you take time to plan novel and exciting events, you may become bored with each other. This can lead to cheating, mostly because she feels she isn’t getting the attention she needs.

The divorce rate in the US is 50%. Women initiate greater then 80% of all divorces. If you have a wife who is withdrawn from you, is highly critical of you, and is never home it would be wise to schedule a time to sit and talk to her in regards to her behaviors. Most of our societal beliefs about females (that includes your wife) are distorted and many are also erroneous. Women cheat for the same reasons men do—they know they can, they believe no one will find out, and they deserve to be happy . The fact that cheating will not lead to happiness is very rarely considered.

MJo

Everyone feels jealous at times in their life. We have to, it is an innately human feeling and it usually attacks us when we are feeling down about ourselves. If you feel jealous and talk about it you keep this feeling in perspective and it doesn’t threaten you or your relationship. There are people who feel ashamed when they feel jealous. They judge themselves as being bad or childish and because of their judging they have to deny they feel jealous. This is where jealousy can get dangerous. If you don’t admit to feeling jealousy it will not go away and usually it will appear in your actions. Fights have been started and people have been killed due to the jealousy that was denied and acted upon.

Jealousy is caused by insecurity within one’s self. We compare ourselves to someone else and we make a judgment that the other person is better. This judgment can be assessing the persons, weight, hair color, clothes, car, etc. It can be personalized as far as the other person’s personality or it can be materialized as far as what they own. If you are a confident person you can admit to feeling a bit jealous and you will be comforted by the person you confide in. If you are not confident you may appear angry or mad when this individual of your jealousy is around. Because you cannot talk about it, the person you are with feels uncomfortable and they cannot console you nor do they want to. This should be a warning sign to you that you need to deal with your reasons for feeling jealous and get support so you can deal with them.

Many people have a lot of difficulty with this emotion. I have a few suggestions if you are one of those people. Hopefully the next time you are feeling jealous you can go through these suggestions and find one or two that work for you.

1. Whenever you feel jealous admit to the feeling and then make a list of your positive traits. Remember confident people usually do not feel jealous very often. What are the things you are doing great? This is a great time to write these down.

2. If you want to control a person, that is a sign of jealousy. You have already compared yourself to someone else and you are feeling like you lost. By controlling your partner or a friend you believe you can prevent them from seeing this other “much better” person. This is ridiculous. You cannot possibly control who your friend or partner finds enjoyable to be around 24/7. Get a grip and work on trusting.

3. Sometimes jealousy is your “inner voice” telling you the person you love or your best friend is not loyal. This is a good time to write down why you think the person you are with is honest. It is also an excellent time to talk about how you are feeling and tell that person you need their support.

4. Ask yourself the most difficult and yet necessary question, “am I over reacting and why”. This question can help you come to possible old hurts that have never been healed as well as issues of abandonment, isolation and possible abuse in the past.

Jealousy, like most emotions, are felt most strongly when we are down, scared, or worried about losing someone special in our life. No matter who you are with, if you can tell them “I feel jealous because you are so special and I am feeling like I may lose you” the jealous feelings will most likely dissipate.

MJo

I loved Michael Jackson's music. He was unbelievably skilled, and I cannot imagine trying to parent such a gifted child at such a young age. Keeping the balance would have been difficult but not impossible. In Michael's case, it did not exist.

For a young child working toward a goal can be fun. Working toward a career is a whole different concept. He (Michael) was a kid, he couldn't see far enough ahead to think of his career. He needed time to be with friends, to dream, to play. He got none of these things. He had very few friends and when he did make friends he chose people much older. He became so out of touch with whom he was that he had no idea of what it would be like to relate to a peer his own age. Where did his parents go wrong? How did it happen?

It is complicated. There are concrete building blocks your child needs to be healthy no matter how gifted they may be. I have listed several below:

1. When you guide a child into making the right decision you will raise a more successful child than one who has been told what to do. Parents need to understand what their child wants and then help them find a way to achieve that without dictating what you would do. There are more than 100 ways to complete a task...your way is not the only way.

2. When a parent dictates they raise a child who has to inevitably rebel. Your child is not you; they will have their own interests. Pushing your interests onto them leads to resentment and failure to achieve.

3. Let your child do their own work and find the answers without helping them. You can support them, and let them know you will help them find the information but let them find it. Congratulate their effort and sing their praise when they accomplish the goal they have set.

4. Friendships are very important. Have your home open to their friends; this is how your child learns sharing and compassion. Your child's friends are helping them build self-esteem and teaching them their own self worth. Support your children's friends; make your home a "safe place".

5. Your child needs to learn early, that no one is good at everything. They learn this from you. Be honest with your child in regards to what you are good at and also what you fail at. They will not judge you, they will love you more.

       The first thing I notice when I have a couple in my office is their personal hygiene. I'm not talking about the cost of their clothes, shoes, handbags, or watches, but rather their cleanliness-their care in dressing and in grooming themselves. I notice their hair, their health, how they smell and how comfortable they are in their "own skin". Hygiene is one of the first things we notice about each other. It is one of the first signs of mental illness, depression or excessive stress.

       I am always a bit surprised that the longer couples are together the quicker they seem to let their healthy grooming habits go. I would think it would be the opposite. You would understand how important certain hair styles, smells, or clothes are to your partner and you would want to continue with these styles. Many times as couples become less close with each other or resentful they may purposely begin to feel like it is "no use" and instead of trying to be their best they let themselves go. This creates a dysfunctional pattern because they are depressed with their looks as is their partner. It is a form of self sabotage that no relationship can endure.
Here are a few tips that may help you as you take an honest look in the mirror to assess your personal hygiene.

Men

• Make sure your hair and teeth are clean.
• Check your breath (ask your partner to take a whiff).
• Wear good cologne (a nice one is Tom Ford "yummy").
• Wear deodorant.
• If you have a beard then trim it, otherwise a shave is very attractive.
• If you are going bald don't do a comb over. Just trim your hair short. Most women will not judge you for going bald.
• If your back looks like a gorilla you may want to trim it. The majority of women do not like it, but if your partner does...it is a-okay.
• Weight control is best done with healthy life style changes.

Women

• Make sure your hair and teeth are clean.
• Check your breath (asking your partner would be a nice gesture).
• Wear a perfume that makes you feel sexy and that your partner comments on.
• Facial hair is a "no no" for women. There are many methods for removing facial hair and all are fairly easy to apply.
• Long hair looks nice, but only if the hair is healthy. If it is not healthy it looks dry and old. A short cut can make you look "sassy and cute".
• Women usually feel prettier and sexier with shaved legs and arm pits. However this is a cultural area. Do what makes you feel clean and attractive and this will make your partner feel good.
• Women store more fat naturally and our hormones affect our body's ability to retain water more then men. Weight is usually an issue for us at one time or another. Weight is also a big issue in many relationships. Usually women who give up in the area of weight gain are overwhelmed or feel defeated. The first step is "owning the problem" and then taking the necessary steps to lose excessive weight.

 

MJo

       I am involved with counseling in the Weight Management Center at Methodist Hospital. One of the main issues I deal with is body image for women undergoing obesity treatment. I cannot stress enough how a woman's body image dramatically affects her ability to be sexual and to enjoy her sexuality. Women who are overweight feel embarrassed about their bodies and unworthy of having someone love them or desire them.

      For the most part every woman struggles with her body image from time to time. Our bodies fluctuate more than men due to hormonal imbalances. As women, we also retain more fluid and fat in our bodies than men. This is to insure our ability to get pregnant and also is what makes us women. Our skin is softer, we have more curves, and we are more emotional when compared to men. Women are judged harshly by society-particularly where weight is an issue. Studies done in the 60's and 80's revealed that small children would rather play with someone in a wheelchair or missing body parts than someone who was obese. The depth of the problem begins at a young age and gets more severe as we grow older.

       Many of the women I counsel go to extremes to hide their weight from their husbands. One patient told me her husband has never seen her naked. How sad as the biggest "turn on" for most men is to see their partner naked. Another patient told me when she takes a shower she lines the glass walls with towels so her husband cannot see her. Women don't go to these extremes without feelings of shame and guilt. The media makes it clear about the body types women "should" have. Women who cannot achieve this body type (99% of all women) tend to tell themselves that there is something wrong with their body and, therefore, try to hide it with clothes, towels, or etc. Sometimes obesity covers that body and is used as a defense to keep others away. The underlying motivation is the same: your body must be punished for not fitting in with other more attractive bodies.

Suggestions for re-discovery and loving your body:

1. Write down who taught you that your body wasn't okay. Who were these people (if it was a magazine or article) and who gave them authority over you?

2. Find pictures of bodies that look more like yours. Begin to look at these bodies. Evaluate them. What do you like about them, what don't you like about them (it is easier to evaluate fairly when it isn't your body).

3. Begin to explore your own body. What parts of your body respond to touch? What parts of your body bring back bad memories when you touch them?

4. If you are married or have a boyfriend/girlfriend ask this person what they like about your body. Write down what they say and post it somewhere you will see it frequently throughout the day. Re-read it and say these positive messages aloud. Create "new tapes".

5. Remember...everyone no matter their size, race, or creed has a right to enjoy the pleasures of their body. Before you begin to change your bodies through surgery to achieve a "more perfect one" consider changing your thoughts!

 

      This month all of my blogs are focused on you dads. I think your presence is so important to your daughters in almost every aspect of their life. We know that one out of six girls-ages 12 to 18-take a vow not to have premarital sex. However, 90% of those girls will break that vow and engage in sex. If dad is present in the home and engaged with his daughter it is more likely that she will not have sex before the age of 18.

      Dads who are involved with their daughters will offer their daughter a male's perspective and become a role model. Dads usually are responsible for playing physical activities with their daughters. Games like catch, tag, and basketball may change allow your daughter to play sports in school and being physically active. Girls who are more physically active feel more confident about their bodies and are less likely to get pregnant, drop out of school, or put up with abusive boyfriends.

       Girls who have a dad in the home don't feel the need to be promiscuous to go out and attract a boyfriend. They don't need a boy because their dad is usually the first member of the opposite sex they will seek for knowledge or understanding about guy relationships.

       Every dad who has a daughter realizes how dangerous the world can be for a woman. They also know they cannot protect their daughters or shelter them from all harm. Talking to your daughters about this and setting an example for them (in regards to how a man should treat them and what respect feels like) is a lesson your daughter will use to judge every man she encounters. Limiting pornographic literature in the home as well as celebrity magazines that glorify women as sex objects is one of the single most helpful methods. This will help your daughter understand that her body is not to be used or touched by anyone else until she is mature enough to enter a relationship where possible consequences can be dealt with and talked about.

      The number one way dads help prevent teen sex before the age of eighteen is to take her desire to wear a purity or promise ring seriously. Ask what a purity/promise ring means to her. Ask her how you can help.

To your daughter you are the greatest man she has ever known. Every man she encounters after you will be compared to you for better or worse. Are you being the man/dad you want to be?

MJo

            From the moment she says "dada" she is under your influence. Dads give their daughters many things, security, confidence, but perhaps the most important gift (or lack thereof) is their body image. They sometimes do this by what they focus on or what they do non-verbally, but mostly by what they verbalize. As soon as your little daughter is placed in your arms her sense of whom she is as a girl and, later, as a woman will be greatly due to what you have said to her. I work in a weight management clinic at the Methodist Hospital in Houston. I hear story after story of "defected tapes" that daughters can recite at the age of 52 years like they heard them only yesterday. These tapes sound like this "If you don't lose weight you'll never find a man who will have you" or "If you don't quit eating so much you will look like your mother (or aunt or sister who is obese)." But perhaps the most hurtful is the dad who decides he won't engage with his daughter at all since she doesn't reflect what he thinks is important for a woman-beauty.

              Although your daughter will grow up to begin to care for herself and start a family, she will always carry these hurtful tapes with her. In her heart she will always be full of anger toward you, her dad, for not loving her or accepting her for herself. No father wants to hurt his daughter. He wants her to become successful, find a companion, raise a family, and be happy. Yet, they continue to have a standard for beauty and although their sons may be overweight they seem to be more harsh and insensitive when it comes to their daughters. The problem is daughters already have so much pressure to be thin and beautiful so when dad starts reminding them that he, too, wants this they feel unworthy and unloved. Every daughter who is overweight knows she is overweight. You don't have to remind her nor do you have to warn her that boys may not date her due to her weight. This isn't rocket science. What an overweight girl may not know and need to hear from you are the following:

1. How you felt the first time you held her? How she was so perfect, and how you felt so proud to be her dad. This is a good time to tell her that you knew your life would never be the same because of her.

2. Become invested in things she enjoys doing. Even though you are her dad and she wants to be with you doesn't mean she doesn't get bored doing the things YOU enjoy. Part of being a parent means sacrificing your time for your child.

3. Get the whole family involved. If you see your daughter has a weight problem and you don't want to focus on that (and you shouldn't) try getting the whole family to start an exercise and healthy eating plan. Encourage her when you see her making healthy strides, but don't draw attention to her in front of others.

4. Let your daughter explore her own interests, skills, and become all she can be. Your daughter should never be pressured to have a boyfriend in order to be complete. She is perfectly fine developing herself so she will understand who she is and what she is capable of.

5. Lastly, she needs to hear that you love her and believe in her totally...period...case closed. 

MJo

      Father's day is right around the corner and don't be surprised if I write several articles about the importance of this day. We often breeze over it too quickly and never celebrate it to the extent of Mother's day. I had a great dad; he raised five daughters and four sons (although one of my baby brothers die, my father always counted him anyway). I guess putting him in the ground qualified my dad as being responsible to the end. My dad wasn't just playing a part of being the man of the family; he was the back bone of our family. He was able to be playful even in the midst of terrible financial strife and the chaos that comes from having nine kids in a house with only 1,700 square feet. He was remarkable and he had a way with me for sure. He was able to make me feel special-like I stood out even though I was number six of nine. I don't remember a time when I told him my dreams that he didn't encourage them (with some teasing...some of my dreams were crazy). He was not educated, but his ability to listen overcame his inability to teach me algebra or literary geniuses.

     When I hear patients tell me they don't have a dad, didn't know their dad, or their dad divorced their mom it breaks my heart. Although these patients tell me this as a matter of fact, they will lack the character that an engaged, present dad gives a daughter (or son).

What are the gifts a dad gives their children better then anyone else?

1. A dad gives their child security. Dads are bigger then moms physically in a child's eyes. They need their dad to feel protected. Children that grow up without a dad always feel like they have to take care of everything on their own. This causes anxiety and a sense of loss as they grow older.

2. Dads play with their kids. Dads usually engage in physical interaction and they achieve this by playing rough or running around with their children. This tells children, "you are fun and I like playing with you". Kids feel valued.

3. Dads instill a sense of confidence in their child. Dads who notice their child's interests and comment on how interesting their child is create a sense of worth. This allows the child to become confident of themselves and their interests.

4. Dads discipline and help structure their child's life. They make a list of chores and work with the child at accomplishing these tasks. Kids emulate this because they like feeling they are contributing to the family. Moms usually make a chore list also, but surveys show kids are more aware of dads enforcing it. Moms are usually more relaxed with finishing the goals whereas dads have a deadline.

5. Dads love their child's mother. They teach boys how to respect and love women by example. They teach their daughters what a respectable, sensitive man looks like. Both kids are getting mentored for what kind of man they will become or marry. Real dads don't leave their children. In the event of a divorce, real dads stay connected to the child. They pay their child support and they don't judge how it is spent. Real dads see their child as their responsibility to love and raise-there is nothing that can keep them from their child. Real dads step up to the plate and realize that in the life of their child, a father is irreplaceable.

Happy Father's Day to all you real dads!!

MJo

     The school year is coming to an end and many of you must leave close friends, girlfriends and boyfriends behind. There is anxiety mixed with a flood of other emotions. Can we continue this relationship? Is it strong enough to make it through the summer months when we may not see each other? Do you care for me enough to trust me? Do I care for you enough to trust you? Many patients tell me they decided never to date because they refused to participate in a long distance relationship. Sometimes this fear of living so far from the person you date is understandable.

     However, I think it affords a couple advantages to deepen communication and develop strengths and individuality. I think it is a great opportunity, but you must be realistic and agree on the vision from the outset. Below are some ideas that I believe will help you develop a closer and deeper relationship while you are apart:

1. Communication is the key. Communication is the single most important factor that every relationship needs to survive. It becomes more important when couples are apart. Therefore communicate every day. This can be a text, sending your loved one a song via, writing a love letter, or talking with a web cam. The method isn't as important as the action.

2. Take time apart to focus on the relationships close to you. While you were in school you may not have had as much time with family and friends. Make a special meal for family and friends, go shopping with your sister, and make it a point to nurture all of these relationships that you didn't have time for while you were in school.

3. Use the time apart to develop interests or hobbies. When you are dating someone you often forget who you were before this person came into your life. Keep yourself interested in ideas and skills you want to develop more. This will make you more interesting to your loved one who lives far away.

4. Use this time to really "court" your loved one. Everyone is in such a hurry and this has carried over into our most intimate relationships. Living far apart is an effective way to slow down and really get to know the other person. The physical longing to hold each other makes the relationship stronger. When you do finally live closer to each other or when you see each other again you have a knowing sense of who this person really is. The relationship becomes more about who you are rather then what your body makes me feel.

5. Begin a "savings jar". This is a big jar or box that you put money you would spend on a date into. This can be used when you do see each other again. It is wonderful because you both can participate and you both have a common goal. It can lead to brainstorming about what you will do when you see each other. Maybe you can decide on a movie you will see, a theatre production, a fine restaurant, etc...

6. Tell each other every day how you feel toward each other. Be open and honest about how difficult it is. Also, be clear about ways you feel stronger.

7. Have an idea from the beginning of how often you will see each other. I usually recommend every two to three weeks. Over the summer that may mean you will see the person four times. Brainstorm meeting places and most of all remember life happens. You must stay flexible. Sometimes two weeks may have to stretch to three or four.

8. Share a common "Vision" for the relationship. By that I mean try to have one to three goals you share in regards to your future with this person. That could be supporting the other studying for an exam, supporting each other during a long and difficult internship, or perhaps support while in preparation to purchase of an apartment or home. What the vision is doesn't matter as much as you sharing one together.

 Good luck, enjoy the distance and it will make you stronger.

MJo