My mother had a rule when we got married. She told us, “You love them, you married them, and now they are family, so if you don’t like something they do tell them, not me.” She was strong in her conviction, and I believe it was my mother who helped support my marriage as well as my siblings’ marriages more than anyone else. A big mistake many couples face is when they gossip and talk badly about their partner. It causes problems on many levels, including the fact that you begin feeling more negatively about them, and you begin to see more and more derogatory behavior manifested from them. All of sudden you cannot imagine feeling turned on or sexual toward your partner.

 When you are talking badly about your spouse, they know it even if you do it when they aren’t present. I’m always a bit shocked when girlfriends get together and begin complaining about their husbands. Their complaining may begin as humorous and fun loving, but it doesn’t take long before someone begins complaining about years of pent up resentment, and obvious issues that should be dealt with. It may be healing for them to get these feelings off their chest, but probably much more healing to their marriage would be if they calmly sit down and talked to their partner about ways they each could change to address the obvious issues. When you continually talk badly about your partner, they begin feeling that no matter what they do they cannot please you, so they resort to doing and behaving exactly as you say they do. Words create actions, and although you may think it’s harmless banter with your girl or guy friends, it more likely is affecting your marriage in a negative way.

None of this is rocket science, but it seems complex for couples to understand what their words do to their partner. Many of the couples I counsel talk sweeter to their dog and or a stranger than they do to their spouse. They will attend cocktail parties saying sweet nothings about their dogs, cats or children, but treat their spouse with total disregard and lack of respect. What they don’t say with their body language, they usually tell their friends. Your girl/guy friends may be your best friends, but they cannot heal your marriage.  You can though by your choice of words, and whom you say them to.

If your marriage has fallen into the trap of talking bad about your spouse, these suggestions may help you turn it around. It’s bad enough to have a marriage end due to situations out of your control, but perhaps worse is when your inability to communicate directly to your spouse in a positive way creates someone you cannot love or live with any longer.

1. Men and women are wired differently and that means everything with communication. Tell your partner what you need and want directly. Hinting does not work with men. It has nothing to do with love; it has to do with brain chemistry. The majority of women’s resentment seems to come from women not understanding this one major difference.
2. If you want his attention, limit distractions. The majority of men have more difficulty multi-tasking than women do. If you try to talk to him during a game or anything on TV, it is going to be difficult. It has nothing to do with love, but it may have a lot to do with him getting lazy and feeling defeated. If he thinks a talk is going to be about blaming or criticizing him, he isn’t going to want to engage.
3. Before you ever bring up anything negative, begin with what is going well with your partner and the relationship. This is a golden rule with most discussions and relationships. Both men and women need to know they are appreciated in a relationship. If you are at the point in your marriage where you cannot think of one positive thing, then your lack of communicating with your spouse cannot be put off one more day.
4. There is nothing more positive than saying in front of your spouse to someone else how great they are. Be specific with your compliment. Also, tell your spouse in private when they do something that means a lot to you. The majority of husbands I have worked with have a strong desire to please their partner, and they need to know when they do. Being aware of the things each partner does to make the relationship stronger, and commenting on these can change the marital dynamics overnight.

Many TV programs have high ratings due to their ability to express the funny parts of men and women. We laugh at them and they make us feel validated that all men are this way, and all women are that way. The problem lies in a subtle twist of this theme. When you know your partner intimately, and you begin sharing the negative intimate parts of your spouse, it doesn’t matter who you share it with, it is a form of betrayal. I discourage this among couples. To truly love someone, and be intimate with them, they need to know you will protect their vulnerabilities and weaknesses. If you are sharing their weaknesses with your friends, your partner will most likely retaliate by acting out the loser you make them out to be. Be careful with your words, and focus on building up your partner, rather than using their weaknesses to destroy them and your marriage.

“I’ve seen your act, know the facts, and I’m still in love with who I wish you were.”- Kate Voegele from the song “Wish you were here.”

One of the things that make divorce so difficult is that couples remember who their partner was and anticipate they will stay that way even when they are with someone new. This is one of the most difficult areas in moving on; as what every couple should know prior to a divorce is that their ex will no longer be calling the “shots “ in regard to their financial agreement, the kids, or what is fair. The person calling the shots most likely will be the new woman the man is involved with (this doesn’t seem as problematic when the role is reversed). I have heard the ex-wife more than once complain that her ex-husband is no longer the man she once knew under the influence of the new woman. In fact, many times, the problems with the kids could be averted if the new partner would let mom and dad fight their own battles (after all, this is their child), and stay out of it completely.

When I talk to couples at National meetings it is not uncommon for them to come up to me after the talk and tell me their divorce experience. What is also quite common is for them to tell me that if they knew then what they know now, they would have tried to work it out. Apparently, what couples sometimes experience is their belief that if they had known to give each other space, if both had gone to counseling apart and together, and worked through the things that were causing distance, resentment, and sexless days, months and later years they would still be together. What also becomes apparent when talking to them is the distance and hurt felt years after the divorce. The hurt isn’t always correlated with the divorce, but rather being under the influence of another woman who wants the ex all to herself. The majority of men will go to a great extent to live in harmony, and if their new love convinces them that her harmony means totally cutting off the ex, then most likely the man will do that. His apparent cruelty cuts extra deep to the ex who was once intimate with him, a mother to his children, and his life partner with a spoken vow.

To stop loving someone is much more difficult than to begin loving someone. With kids and financial obligations, it is never clear when or if a relationship is over. One aspect we do understand is the difficulty in making good decisions if you have another person involved who is making decisions on your behalf, not always in your or your children’s best interest (but more likely theirs). The new partner may feel as though they are in an insecure position when they date someone or become involved with someone with children and a recent ex. To secure their position they begin trying to “help” by handling some of the details. This is usually a mistake, not only on the new love’s part, but on the parent’s part that allows it. If you are the one going through a divorce, and they are your children, it behooves you to handle your relationship with your ex and other parent of your children.

When a divorce or breakup happens, if you have children, it is incremental that you handle what each parent’s involvement will be in their life. Divorce is tough for a couple, but especially so for the children. Having a parent leave and hook up with someone new makes it doubling difficult for children. They don’t understand why a parent is leaving, and they cannot understand how a parent could leave their other parent as well as them behind (most kids do feel as though they are being left when a parent leaves, no matter how the parents try to rationalize the situation). These suggestions may help the children feel more secure in the process of a divorce, but unless there is abuse in your marriage, it is wise to try and make the marriage work.

1. Just as important as hiring a lawyer is sitting down with your partner and discussing the plans regarding your children. If there is a new person involved in one of your lives, this person should not be part of the discussion.
2. The children should be able to talk to both parents about the plan, and what will happen at least two weeks before it happens. Give them time to cry, ask questions, and show them what their new rooms will look like. Kids do much better when they have a plan.
3. Both parents should make an agreement on a phone number, email, or text contact that is secure and will be answered in a timely manner. This contact access will be set up in a way where any and all matters with the children will be handled only by the two of you.
4. Both exes should protect the other parent from the new person in their life. Talking to your new partner about how bad your ex was makes you look bad. After all, we attract what we put out there. If you got someone crazy, what vibes were you putting out?
5. Divorce hurts, and it continues to hurt both people for a long time. No child wants to believe their mom or dad was a bad person. When a marriage is sick, it makes everyone look and behave badly. Much of the time the anxiety kids manifest with a divorce is the acting out of the parents while divorcing.

When you say, “I Do,” you believe in all of your heart you know this person standing at the altar with you. The truth is, you know only one side of this person, and that is what is great about a marriage, it grows and evolves to reveal many parts. If you quit talking, sharing, and being intimate, you close down essential parts. When those parts are revealed with someone new, the person you loved or were married to was who you wished they were.

If you think it’s just you who has noticed all of the recent shootings and suicides, it’s not. August is a lethal month, and in the field of psychology it is noticed as one of the highest months for suicide and homicides. People don’t randomly kill others; the majority of killers struggle with some form of depression. Nearly 15 million American adults, or about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older, is affected with a major depression in a given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.

Depression is the number one reason for suicide, and yet successful treatment for depression is widely available. With so many treatments available, why don’t more couples and family members secure treatment for their loved one? One of the primary reasons is denial of how depressed their loved one is, and secondly, how do you convince a loved one that depression may not go away, and if they begin medications, they may have to stay on them?

Depression kills people, but it also kills marriage and relationships. Everyone who is married to a depressed person can attest to the challenges of living a lifetime with someone who is so down they can no longer function with day-to-day activities. Depression doesn’t only affect the depressed person, it affects the whole family. Children raised by someone who is depressed often suffer depression as well. About 60% of all marital problems I see are due to depression. Depression doesn’t cause a divorce, but not admitting it and getting help may. Many of the excuses such as, “We just grew apart,” are due to an underlying depression in one of the partners.

There are signs that your partner may have depression, but you must remember that simply asking them if they are depressed or why they are depressed may not be successful. Many times, people don’t know why they are depressed. It may be a chemical imbalance which comes without reason or cause. Here are frequent signs, but this list is incomplete. If you notice any of these with your partner (or yourself) and it has been consistent for more than 2 weeks, you would be wise to make a doctor’s appointment today.  

1. A sense of your partner withdrawing from life. They may develop an “I don’t care attitude.”
2. A change in their eating pattern. They may begin eating more or not at all.
3. A sense of confusion. Your partner can no longer think to have meaningful conversation the way you once did.
4. Irritability. Your partner may have less patience, not be able to focus, and develop more anger.
5. Loss of intimacy. It’s tough to be intimate if you don’t care about anything.

Many times, if the non-depressed partner lives with a depressed partner, they begin feeling as though they are doing it all. They pick up the slack for their depressed partner, and due to a lack of intimacy, they seek comfort outside the marriage. This is commonly a cause of affairs. It wasn’t the depression causing the affair; it was the withdrawal, and the “I don’t care” attitude. The silent, non-depressed partner became so lonely they reached out for someone else.  

Couples who work as a team and seek treatment for depression as a team are much more successful with managing their loved one’s depression. All of us get depressed from time to time. Losing a parent, a family member or the loss of a job can make anyone depressed. Typically, after a couple of weeks we work through it. If your partner has been depressed several times, it may be due to brain chemical changes, and medication will be helpful in managing the depression. Below are suggestions when dealing with treatment of depression in your marriage.

1. The gold standard for managing most types of depression is talk therapy and medications. Typically the depressed person prefers going alone, but if the depression has been chronic, couple’s therapy will be very helpful.
2. A family doctor is helpful at referring you to a psychiatrist who specializes in managing depression. Sometimes the psychiatrist will have a counselor in mind that is skillful at working with depression, but if you have a counselor with whom you work and trust, continue treatment with them.
3. The relationship problems that come about due to the symptoms of depression need to be dealt with, but getting the depression under control first is a primary focus. Depressed people cannot focus on fixing anything when they are depressed.

No matter what illness a person has, if treatment is available, they usually take the treatment. This is not true with depression, because there is a stigma attached. Depression is like diabetes or hypertension. If you don’t take your medications, complications will ensue, perhaps leading to your death. If you or your partner suffers from depression, putting off treatment will likely lead to death of your relationships. Deal with your depression now, if not for you, then for those you love.  

I was out for dinner last week. My husband and I went to a family restaurant we both really like. It’s low key, just the right amount of noise, and the food is wholesome and fresh. The restaurant attracts families because of the prices, but the families eating are much different than they use to be. Family dinners are fun because the whole family gets together and talks about the day’s events and who said what to whom. Moms and dads can be heard laughing at their kids’ antics and expressions. This particular night there was some of that interaction, but also a new interaction that I call “electronic parenting.”

 At several of the tables we noted kids with iPads or phones engaged in their activity. There was absolutely no communication between mom, dad, and the kids. The kids were careful not to spill food on their electronic devices, and what seemed to make the biggest impact was one time when one of the moms almost dropped the ketchup on the child’s iPad. The kid became animated and basically scolded mom. I was hopeful that if the electronics were babysitting the kids at least mom and dad would have some intimate time, but no, that wasn’t the case. Mom and dad didn’t really engage with each other either. Dad was fidgeting with his phone or mom looked frazzled. I thought about this scenario for several days because I am concerned what these kids’ concept of family will be.

Family dinners are so important for continuing communication among the family members. Dinnertime is a time we listen to one another, are reminded of table manners, and also mentored about appropriate behavior between mom, dad and kids. You don’t have to eat at home to have a family dinner, but a family dinner is so much more than eating. It’s important that families realize the invaluable opportunity to have an electronic free meal. Parenting has a lot to do with setting boundaries, saying no, and also making sure you teach your child appropriate social behavior. If your child is on the phone or iPad during dinner, they are in their own virtual world and not engaged with the family. 

There is no doubt that we are moving in a more electronic wave for the future. Smart phones are smarter than many humans, and as we continue to evolve and grow with technology, it will be more and more important that families keep their boundaries strong to preserve the unity of family. The only way to do this is to stay engaged with your kids and your spouse, and keep sacred some of the family rituals such as family meals. Below are some suggestions to keeping your family together and engaged. Your kids may groan, but believe me, in time, they will come back and thank you.

1. As much as possible have family meals during the week. These don’t have to be done at home. However, they should include your whole family.
2. Have a plate or a container where all electronics are dropped prior to dinner. Make sure you silence them as the noise of a text or email incites the mind and distracts from family.
3. Conversation at the dinner table should be kept at a level where everyone can hear one another and you can also enjoy the food.
4. Make sure you remember you are parents at the table and not your child’s friend. If a derogatory word or motion is made at the table, correct your child/spouse. The dinner table should remain family friendly.
5. Continue to show respect and manners with your child at the dinner table. One of a parent’s most important jobs is socializing their child so that the child can feel confident in their ability to demonstrate manners and respect for others.

We cannot go backwards in time, nor should we, but as we continue into the digital age there are some rituals we must keep sacred as a family. Family dinners are one of those. A family is only as strong as its leaders, so parents, it’s time to parent at the dinner table. Electronics can never teach your child family values as well as a parent.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the weekend or a weekday, when you have an argument with the one you love you cannot think of anything else. Once upset, the argument may seem to take a on a life of its own, and you can’t get it out of your mind. You keep going over it and over it…but nothing changes. You said things that were hurtful and so did they, and now you cannot think of anything else except the argument. You are anxious, frustrated, want to forget it and move on, but you cannot. Why?? Because in the back of your mind, you just want to tell them one more thing. You convince yourself that if the person doesn’t understand this one important thing they may lose their love, and the fear of loss is what fuels the excessive thoughts and panic brewing in your mind.

The problem with that “just one thing” is it probably won’t matter, and you are spending way too much time thinking about it. Is that what they wanted…for you to suffer the morning after? You aren’t sure, but you don’t want to forfeit another night’s sleep feeling worried sick. Here are some sure cures for feeling better.

First things first, you deal with stress the way you saw modeled in your family. So if dad withdrew and mom openly banged pots and pans around, realizing which of these you have a tendency to do will help you get a handle on it.

1. You need to take a walk or engage in a physical activity to help get rid of the stress. If you have animals, try walking the dog (or cat) with your favorite music on.
2. Write down what you want to say. If you can get it out of your head, it won’t keep going around and around.
3. Talking to a good friend who is also a good listener is paramount in helping diffuse your hurt and anger.  
4. Close your eyes and think of a place that makes you feel relaxed. Go there in your mind and try to feel the feeling you get there.
5. Think of the very worst thing that could happen (they may never speak to you again), and realize that with time that would be ridiculous, and if they used that tactic, it would say more about the other person’s lack of maturity than anything else you may have done.
6. If you owe the person an apology, think out of the box. A handwritten note to that person often times breaks the ice and makes them feel better.
7. If it is a spouse or partner, make plans to spend time with your partner to clear up the argument. An apology dinner or night out can give both of you a break away from the stress of home, and allow you to focus on what happened and why it hurt you so much.

Every argument is actually an opportunity in a relationship to grow closer to your partner or friend. The security of the relationship can help you clarify the miscommunication, and also acts to stabilize the couple as they work through the argument.  Simple gestures or reaching out to the person after an argument is difficult, especially if you think you are right. The problem is that your right or truth may not be the other person’s. The more transparent you can be in your relationship, the healthier the relationship will be.  If your partner hurts your feelings, you will always resolve it quicker if you say up front, “That hurt my feelings and this is why.” A partner or friend who loves you doesn’t want to hurt you, and understanding your sensitive areas will help guide them.  No one can read your mind, and making assumptions only leads to further miscommunication. Taking care and managing your own anxiety after a fight or argument is going to put you in a better position to talk about the problem in a calm, rational manner. The outcome will more likely lead to better understanding of one another than a desperate call in the middle of the night.

I often write about marriages, the sacredness of marriage and the act of infidelity within a marriage. Of course, everyone knows cheating is wrong and when it happens in a marriage we often times ask, “Who would cheat with someone else’s husband or wife?” What kind of a person would try to date or have a relationship with someone they know is married? We label them as whores, home wreckers and other derogatory adjectives, and maybe they do fit into some of those categories. With the divorce rate being half of American marriages, and with the influence and ease of porn, affairs and other temptations, it is important that we explore who cheats with a cheater. I received this letter last week. She asked me to write an article about this topic. It took me a couple of days to think about it, but I have decided that understanding, as in all matters, helps unravel the mess that infidelity creates.

Dear Mary Jo,

You address the issue of infidelity quite frequently in your column, but I rarely see you address the issue of the "other woman and/or man." I was the "other woman" for about three years and words cannot express the hurt, anger, and pain that resulted from my involvement with this married man. I have been out of this relationship for about a year and a half, and I have sought therapy on and off during this period to deal with the issues that have surrounded this, and while I think there has been some progress, I feel that it is something that will take me a long time to fully get over.

Many people, including you, may say that I should have known better. I did know better, but a close friendship with him slowly started to get out of control, and before I knew it, things were a mess. I think at first you ignore the situation that you are in and enjoy the time that you spend with this person, because it is always surrounded by fun things and physical intimacy. As time goes on, you realize that living in secrecy is very lonely, and it is even lonelier when you realize that the whole situation is affecting who you are and has changed you as a person. You also realize that no matter what, you are not the number one priority of this man. He is not there when you have a bad day and you need someone to hold your hand, on holidays when you want to be surrounded by the people that you love the most, and to put it to the point, he is not there to experience life with you. In my situation, I felt like when I tried to back away, he would come on stronger, and acknowledge the sacrifices that I made to be with him. It was my mistake to not walk away in all of those times that I had intended to do so.

I guess what I want to say to you, and for the people that read your column to understand, is that you should never cheat on a spouse, significant other, or partner. The lives that are hurt include both parties, and in some cases, if it is a lengthy affair, the person with whom the affair was had. Have the strength to be honest with your partner about the problems that you are having or the needs that are not being met. If you are with someone with whom you can't address these things, then you really shouldn't be with them in the first place. If someone isn't willing to work on things to make a relationship better, then why would it be a relationship worth keeping?

I also want people to know that the "other woman" is usually not some dumb floozy. I am a smart, professional woman who made a terrible mistake during a very vulnerable time in my life. I wish that I could take it all back and do it differently. I paid a really high price for my involvement in the relationship. People make mistakes and it doesn't make them bad people. Thank you for listening, Kathy

I have no reply for Kathy as she knows what happened, and I think her insights for all of us are heartfelt and sincere. However, what Kathy cannot feel are the sleepless nights the wife spent having suspicion about her husband. She will never experience or feel the times his children may have lost with their dad due to her being involved with him, nor will she understand or feel what his wife knows about his ability to love someone enough to marry them, and then break a vow and lie. Kathy is hurting, and she regrets her actions with him, but she will have difficulty healing until she can forgive how her actions affected his wife. When a man or woman cheats, it isn’t hurting the person they cheat with; they are hurting the spouse and children. If anyone needs an apology, it is the spouse of the cheater, and they need the apology from both the cheater and the cheater who cheated with the cheater. 

This letter is full of pain and remorse, but more importantly, what it points out is the fragility of our relationships and marriages. If you don’t nurture your marriage every day and prioritize it, the pressures life presents may be too much for it to be healthy and to last. Remember, marriage isn’t natural, but a healthy marriage is still the best way to raise secure, successful children and stay healthy. If you want a happy, healthy life, marriage is the way to go but, not without careful attention to your ability to communicate and nurture its growth.

It doesn’t matter what magazine you pick up and hastily go through, you will find a mom who just had a baby and is looking buff with six- pack abs and a sleek toned head to foot body. Is it a coincidence that girls age 6 to 9 report feeling fat, undesirable or ugly? More than half of the US population struggles with obesity, and is it any wonder that depression and anxiety continue to grow with our young children due to body image problems? Moms want to blame the media, and no doubt the media deserves a lot of the blame. However, moms and dads should also accept a part of the blame.

In a recent study reported in Sex Roles, young girls ages six through nine were given the choice to choose the most popular paper doll. The two choices were an average body doll with trendy clothes, and the other choice was a doll with tight clothes and cleavage revealed sexy clothing. Most of the girls chose the “sexy doll” as the one who had the most friends and was the most popular. Interestingly, it wasn’t the consumption of media the girl had at home that determined her choice, but how the girls’ mom displayed self-objectifying tendencies. In other words, the more moms worried about looking pretty or sexy, or the more she worried about what she wore, the more likely the daughter would try to be sexy and pretty to feel popular or worthy. In my office when I am counseling parents, it is all too frequent that dads will talk negatively about their daughter who wants to be natural rather than fixed up the way he thinks a girl should look. In a time when we never needed dads more to be engaged with the family and supportive of their daughters, can you imagine the effect of his disapproval with allowing his daughter to be fee of the trappings of “media approved beauty?” Dads have said to their daughters in front of me, “You should fix yourself up like the other girls. Fix your hair, makeup and clothes.” These are not college kids; these kids are age nine to fourteen.  

It seems that the pressure to be “sexy” never ends, but when there is an emphasis on being sexy after giving birth, it easily shifts to the new mom feeling depressed, angry and overwhelmed. How can any new mom go to the gym, care for her newborn, be a loving wife, a loving mother and have any time or peace of mind for herself? She can’t. Something has to give and it is usually her attitude about herself. She becomes sad, overwhelmed and critical, not only of herself, but of others. She puts emphasis on what is important, and if being sexy is what derives most of her acceptance and feeling good about herself, that is what she will try to accomplish. If she has a daughter, the daughter learns to follow in mom’s steps. After all, dad seems to like it. If she has a son, he believes this is all women, and this is how it should be. Of course, this is simplified, but it is the majority of the people I am now seeing for body image help.  

Sexiness is not something we create. It comes from a deep sense within us. It is raw, it’s alive and it’s acceptance and comfort with being in one’s skin. Media sexiness is constructed for those of us who are numb to true sexiness. They have gone overboard. It reminds me of the numerous books for dummies. They have dumbed true sexiness down by filling it with fillers, implants, and air brushing.

If you are a new mom and you want to enjoy being a mom and a beautiful, sexy woman in your own right, these suggestions may help validate your path. You will be against the stream of society, but many times those who are swimming upstream are the strongest.

1. As much as possible get rid of the magazines that promote a narrow view of beauty for women.
2. Exercise every day, but also include your child for walks at night or bike rides. Make sure your child understands exercise is part of a healthy lifestyle.
3. Put good food in your mouth. Eating diet food tells your child that there is something wrong with their body and regular food.
4. Make sure you encourage the other parent to be involved with their child. This will help you fall in love more with your partner, and it will also be the best thing you can do for your child to ensure they grow up feeling good about themselves.
5. Keep your love life alive. Being a woman, and feeling sexy has everything to do with feeling desired and loved by our partner. Women do need sex and intimacy, but they need the connection with their partner for the greatest benefit.
6. Wear clothes that make you feel the best about yourself and define your personality. Do not look to media or others to define your own feeling about the woman you are. This requires you to have confidence in yourself, which is where it all begins.

Being in the field of intimacy and sex, I am convinced that most of us have lost our sense of what true intimacy or sex appeal is. It’s so easy to label a magazine cover as having a sexy model, because we don’t have to think about what being sexy means to us or our children. Children are powerless, and they sense that powerlessness. If we as a society promote, give power to and value “sexy,” whether it’s sexy moms, teens, or tweens, the children are going to try to achieve it. Maybe it’s time we give kids a new idea of what being sexy really is?

In 32 percent of U.S households men are the main shoppers. This report was just announced by Nielsen and the NPD Group, which is very important for advertisers and marketers. What was specifically noted was that men are much different than women when trying to appeal to their wanting to buy a specific brand. For example, they found that when they show sexy, good looking guys to men, the guys would most likely become annoyed and say, “I don’t want to be that guy.” This meant that it was the end of the relationship with trying to convince the guy that they could look like this guy. Women, on the other hand, were the opposite. When women were shown a sexy woman, she would buy the product in attempts to look like that woman. Also interesting was the fact that women would actually compare themselves to the gorgeous woman and criticize themselves because they weren’t as pretty, sexy, or as desirable. Women may lament that advertisers objectify them, but guys often times take the actual next step, which is walking away from the product. They seem more offended by seeing overly developed muscular men than women do when they look at gorgeous women.

In a recent movie titled, “Magic Mike,” if you ask men what they thought about the movie they openly replied, “I didn’t go,” or that was for my wife. If advertisers are going to market to men, they need to understand that many guys don’t like looking at gorgeous guys, and they will break their relationship with the advertisers if that is how their gender is depicted. This is interesting when we focus on body image. The majority of men do not feel as bad about their bodies as the majority of women feel about theirs. Women will constantly talk about their fat arms, legs, tummy, and yet their husband who has a tummy growing over his belt doesn’t usually suffer the same self-criticism. Nor is he subjected to the same open rejection from the opposite gender as a woman who has extra weight on her. Maybe guys have the key? Maybe the guys understand that their own feelings about their appearance are what dictate a positive body image? Maybe women need to walk away more from advertisers when they see an impossible female model advertising a product that is snake oil?

No matter what gender you are, it all begins with what you decide is making you feel better (or worse) about yourself. I did my own survey by asking 50 guys to give me feedback in regards to what they believe women do that promotes poor body image. This is the list. It isn’t scientific, but it was random. I also think the points are valid for both men and women.

1. Confidence is not determined by ones looks, but by their own conviction of who they are and what they stand for. If a woman goes for anything, and is afraid of being alone, she will usually appear desperate.
2. Women have role models that are celebrities. Guys think this makes women feel bad about themselves. They think women should admire successful women instead of pretty faces or bodies.
3. Guys think women have negative tapes in their heads that keep beating them down. More than half of the guys thought women had poor parenting, especially from the men in their lives.
4. Guys believe women believe air brushing is real. It is not. The guys did admit to looking at the airbrushed models, but preferred their girlfriends/wives looks.
5. Women give too much power to what others think of them. They give guys too much power, and other women, to determine if they are pretty. Most of the guys believe women dress and act to please others instead of themselves. 

In truth, both men and women suffer from poor body image. In our society women’s value is more highly correlated with women’s looks. This could change if women became more confident about who they were, rather than what they looked like.  We change advertisers; it isn’t the other way around. If we become complacent and continue our narrow pattern of allowing advertisers to tell us who is and isn’t pretty, we are all doomed. Celebrities should not be the people we admire. We should be admiring the peace-makers, the leaders in science, literature, math as well as those who are making our families stronger and healthier. All of this contributes to our own sense of body image, who we are, and how we fit in.

A recent article in USA Today reported that almost 60% of people who responded to a survey said taking a vacation no longer relieves their stress. Apparently, our laptops, iPhones, and iPads are following us on vacation, and rather than using them to find romantic dinners, excursions, and activities to enjoy at our vacation destination, we are using them to keep up with what is going on at work.

A company called Fierce Incorporated sent out a survey which over 1,000 employees and bosses filled out. They found that 41.6% percent of workers checked in with their office at least every other day, 6.5% checked in multiple times a day, and less than 25% did not check in at all while vacationing.  What may be even more stressful than being in the office is being away and getting emails or phone messages of things going on at work that you have no ability to fix because you are on vacation. This leads to feeling frustrated, anxious and short tempered with the people with whom you are on vacation. This sabotages the whole concept of getting away with the ones you love on vacation.

If you are on your way out of town, and you want to share a wonderful vacation with your family, it is best to begin prior to leaving. Since so many of us are attached to our phones, the Internet and laptops, if you take a couple of days to prepare for your shutting down while away, you may return from your vacation feeling more rested and ready to dig in at work. The following are a few ideas to help you prepare for your next family get away:

1.  Prepare what you are leaving behind for your trip. Prior to going out of town, tell the people in your immediate circle at work that you are not taking your work with you. Preparing them helps them understand that you need to escape, and it can also boost their confidence if you tell them you are leaving them in charge. Most of us tell the people we work with that if we are needed, to call, and then we become upset when they call. Tell them up front and directly calls will not be answered.  

2.  Have something you can do when you shut everything down on your vacation. If you follow through and you don’t take your laptop, iPad, or phone for work, your vacation world can feel lonely and boring. This is part of the de-stressing. You should feel totally empty and then after that feeling subsides you will begin seeing and appreciating the “more valuable sides of your life…your family.”

3.  What would you do if you weren’t working? Do you have a book, jewelry beading, wood carving, or knitting project that you never have time for? Doing these types of things on your vacation can be relaxing while providing a feeling of completion with something you value.

4.  Whether you are a single parent or dual income couple, vacationing with the kids can be exhausting if you are used to having child care. It’s so easy to lose touch with the people in our home, and it takes us all a period of adjustment to wake up without distraction and spend day after day together. Knowing this, let the little things go, and since you don’t have to do anything, allow yourself the options of pillow fights, long walks at night, and sleeping until noon if you want to. Board games, computer games, as well as hiking and fishing can all be done if there is nothing else to do.

The more complicated and technical our societies become, the more we are working wherever we go. This may be good for our income, but it takes a toll on our relationships and families. If you only have one week a year to be with the people who share your name, make the time to be completely present. You cannot do that if you keep your work cubicle in your pocket. Some of the best memories come from a summer vacation.

I received a Fox viewer question this week with which many other couples struggle as well. I thought in my helping Caleb, I could help many of you going through the same dilemma in your marriage. It is important that you remember communication is responsible for more divorces than infidelity, as reported by Smart Marriages. In fact, some couples report their marriages improving after going through intensive work restoring their relationship from an affair. I want to begin by encouraging you not to throw in the towel or run to the lawyer right away. It is wiser to breathe, get some space and pursue the issues after giving a lot of reflection and thought to what happened.

Here is the viewer question:

Dear Mary Jo, I have been married for fifteen years and made a HUGE mistake. I was unfaithful to my spouse. How can I expect her to ever trust me again? I will do whatever I need to restore her faith and trust in me again. She has decided to stay with me, but she is so hurt, I don’t know what to do. Can you help?  Thank you, Caleb.

Dear Caleb, it is going to help you to understand more about cheating, as many times men don’t know why they cheat. In fact, 56% of men who cheat report being happily married and report being motivated to cheat for more attention and sex. Helen Fisher Ph.D., of Rutgers University, has written several books regarding this, studying the difference in men’s and women’s affairs. Women usually cheat due to feeling lonely. Their cheating is much more likely to break up a marriage because women more likely fall in love with the person with whom they are cheating. Dr. Fisher found that 34% of women who cheat reported being happy, and within that group, the children may have affected their score more than it did the men’s.

There is a natural tendency for couples to not talk about infidelity as it creates suspicion in couples. However, this is a mistake. Couples who talk about infidelity become clearer about expectations, and how each partner feels in regards to infidelity. They also can begin working on the issues that create distance or feeling taken advantage of in the marriage prior to cheating occurring. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, as well as other marriage experts, discourage “spying” on one another when there is suspicion. Their thinking is that while you may prove infidelity exists, you can never disprove it, and these constant assumptions and checking on your spouse will destroy trust and communication. This usually begins the ending of the marriage.

Restoring trust and communication must be the first thing you work on with mending your marriage, and it takes a long time. I have suggestions below that will help you. Try to remember that the person who was cheated on is the person who decides the time table for when they have recovered the betrayal. The person who cheated must always put restoring the trust as a top priority. Anything else may serve as only a band-aid for a gaping wound. Here are my suggestions:

1. Counseling must begin and it always works best if you go together and present as a team. Just as you encountered other trials in your life, this one will be more easily dealt with if you do it together.
2. As much as possible, block out all others and pay attention to your spouse. Ask them what appropriate communication during the day is. The only way to restore communication is to communicate. Trying not to talk about it, because you don’t want them to cry is only an option if they request it.
3. Ask your therapist for referrals for marital retreats.
4. Get a babysitter, and if your kids are old enough to realize you are gone a lot more together or you seem mad at each other, talk to them. Tell them that you and mommy (or daddy) are going to someone who is helping you work out problems that will make you feel better about each other. Kids understand this, and they want you both to get better.
5. Keep the details of the problem between the two of you, except for a spiritual leader, a loved family member or other mentor. People love to talk, and many people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” This is untrue.
6. I have a YouTube video about this topic, and 8 steps to take immediately after you find out your partner has cheated. This may be too late for you now, Caleb, but it may be on time for others.

Many of the couples I work with are feeling more trust with their partner who cheated after 2 to 5 years. Some say they will never get it back completely, and still others say they feel closer to their partner after the affair because their confidence in the marriage is stronger as they have learned to talk about all issues. There is no doubt cheating is destructive to the blind trust you may have once had, but with constant work, forgiveness and a desire to stay married, your marriage can survive and continue growing. Caleb: give your wife time, and continue to show her with your actions that you are a faithful, loving husband.