With the recent happenings in Boston and Texas, I am reminded of our “little ones.” If you are a parent, your child monitors their reaction by watching yours. Here are a few suggestions to help you help your child.  

1. Parents are a barometer for their children, and children are skilled with reading their parent’s emotions. So, before you talk to your children, make sure you know how you feel about what happened, and if you are anxious or not ready to help your child feel secure, delay talking with them about it.
2. Don’t mention the trauma part to your children and don’t assume what they are afraid of. Rather, ask them specifically so you won’t introduce another possible fear. If they mention they are afraid that something bad may happen to them, validate that by saying it’s natural to feel that way, but also tell them you are going to do everything you can to keep them safe.
3. Limit the news in your home regarding the tragedies. Children don’t understand the replays and they may be at the level of thinking each time they view the incident that it is happening again. The visual parts as well as the audio accounts of the recent tragedies once seen and heard may create anxiety, nightmares, and depression in children.
4. As much as possible, stay on your routine at home. This will give your child stability and reduce anxiety.
5. As a family, draw cards, send letters, and/or bake cookies for the families or people in the community where the tragedies occurred, or for someone needing them in your own community. This helps your child see that there are more good people than bad.
6. This is an excellent time to set up an emergency plan in your own home. Go through what you each will do if there is an emergency. This empowers children and helps them feel more in control. Remind them of a time something happened and what they did to help. Also remind them of how proud you were of them.
7. Take extra time at night to read stories, watch movies, or say prayers. This helps kids feel safer and it is also a time when questions come up that parents can use to help understand how their child is processing the tragedies.
8. This is a good time to bring your spiritual beliefs to the forefront. Things such as having a mass said, lighting a candle, or planting a tree for the people who lost their lives is important. It helps your child see that no matter what happens people do care and they do remember. Spirituality is also important because it gives us strength beyond our human capacity.
9. Listen to your children.  Children’s brains work differently than adults, and by careful listening you can better ascertain where your child is having a difficult time with the recent events.

10.  Grieving with your child will help them heal. Children grieve much differently than adults. Their time frame isn’t the same as ours. They may be playing and jumping around one minute, and sitting alone by a tree the next. Grieving in children isn’t normal for adults to witness and we want to cheer them up. This is a time to acknowledge when they are sad and then brainstorm with them what they can do (with your help) to feel better. Always identify with trying to do something good with your child for others.

Parents should always answer questions and tell their children the truth. However, wait for the question and answer in simple ways that are age appropriate for your child. Grief takes time and if you are worried your child is not working through their grief, take them to their pediatrician and work with someone they suggest for emotional support. When bad things happen the greatest source of encouragement comes from mom and dad and family.

The majority of my clients are couples. The majority of the couples I see come to me requested by the man. This is a bit unusual for psychotherapists as women are typically the ones who make counseling appointments, doctor appointments, teacher appointments, and all appointments unless you consider car dealers. The men who are seeking help via counseling many times are referred by their physician, but not always. Last week the couple I spoke with brought up an issue that has become more and more of a problem within the last two years. This problem looks like the typical marriage breakdown in communication, less time spent together and less intimacy shared. However, the exact issue lies underneath the way it presents. The real issue is the wife has become a mother to her children, and to her husband. In a sense, he becomes one of the kids. She begins talking to him with simple directions just as she does with the kids, she teases and tells her friends she has three kids (including her husband) and she no longer desires him at night because she views him as a kid needing attention, and not her lover.

This may sound extreme, but in a very real way it is happening in many homes all over the world. Part of it is media. The TV shows, movies, music and many of the shows on Disney, which our children are watching, depict men as single super heroes or as clumsy, bumbling dads. He may be funny, and media makes him look sensitive at times, but overall he never knows what’s going on in the home, and without his wife he would be lost. There is no doubt on the majority of shows America is watching dads look incompetent compared to moms. What I find interesting is men don’t react or seem offended by it. On the contrary, they may complain but they go along with it. We all see parts of ourselves when we watch something humorous that plays off a stereotype, but when it becomes part of what is destroying marriages, or what our children are seeing and couples are living, it’s time to reflect on it, and look at our own families.

Most men, like women, love attention from their spouse. They want to be desired, cared for, and respected. Women naturally have more nurturing hormones, and the emotional expression of those behaviors may come more naturally for her. Husbands typically have an easier time expressing the physical aspects of those qualities. The problem for marriages is when a woman is caring for her children, and she generalizes that her husband is like a child rather than her partner, it is more difficult for her to be sexually attracted to him as her lover. The problem isn’t his fault or her fault. The problem is both have to change their behaviors, and their thinking will usually follow. Below are some suggestions that can help women and men become co-parents and maintain their intimacy within the marriage:

1. Become one another’s fan again. Take every opportunity to comment on little positive things your spouse does for the family as well as for you on a personal/emotional level.
2. Take time for the two of you ONLY. Kids are not part of date night. When dads make arrangements for the babysitter it mentors to the children the importance of mom and dad going out together, and it tells your wife that she is a priority.
3. Dads who jump in and help with domestic chores are teaching their child leadership begins with leaders doing the same work they want others to do.
4. Don’t criticize your spouse, especially in front of the kids. Women’s verbal skills are such that the way they lash back when they are tired or upset is with hurtful criticisms. When you talk to your spouse in a demeaning or demasculinizing manner you are not only hurting him, but you are making him less desirable in your mind.
5. Guys, for women to feel sexy they need to escape in their minds. The best way for them to do this is for you to take them away, or take the kids away for a couple hours. Women get turned on by what you do for the family. The more she sees you taking an active role with the kids and yet whisking her away to be your lover, the easier it will be for her to not view you as one of the kids. 

In the fifties, dads’ primary role was to be the provider. Times have changed and both women’s and men’s roles have changed. I work in the medical field, media and private practice world. In medicine, no matter if both husband and wife are physicians or scientists, the woman typically is still the number one person responsible for the kids. In media, popular shows depict men needing women sexually, as well as mothers to their children and to themselves. In private practice, I see couples getting divorced because they no longer desire one another and/or feel as if they are no longer desired. The one constant theme in all three is that couples must prioritize their relationship. This can best be done when parents co-parent, and both people view one another as lover or sweetheart and not as mommy or daddy. You are a mommy and daddy to your children only.

The school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut has us all asking the same question…Why? Understanding why something of this magnitude happened may help us feel more in control with our own surroundings, but it won’t alleviate our children’s fears.  Twenty 6 and 7-year-olds were gunned down while they were in a place considered safe and their world. Six adults who represented important people to these children also lost their life. A tragedy beyond our scope of understanding how something like this happens, and what needs to be done to prevent it from happening again will be discussed for a long while. As the discussion goes on, we will also see more and more children who were and continue to be emotionally affected by the tragedy. What also bears reminding is the fact that the children who attend Sandy Hook Elementary won’t be the only children affected. This tragedy will affect children in every city in every state as they watch their parents watch the happenings of December 14^th play out on the news day after day.

This brings us to the talk we have to be prepared to have with our children. How do we talk to our children about what happened, and help them feel safe and reassured that it won’t happen to them? This is one of those issues that parents find so difficult. Every parent I know wants their child to be safe in their environment and when something such as a school shooting occurs the parents have little control. Beyond our comprehension is the fact that when random violence happens no one has control. When someone wants to kill, and is prepared to die themselves then the best anyone can do is to protect themselves from the mad man’s rage. In this case, the mad man was recognized as a familiar person to the school, which shows the extent of his hate that he would strike back at his “own.”

It’s a busy time of the year, but taking time to help your child process this now will help prevent them suffering emotionally in the future. If you consider this as a process and let it unfold rather than force the conversation, your child will be able to understand or at least feel less fear from it happening to them as time goes on. As a parent your immediate concern is with the safety of your child, and having a plan or something you can do will help both you and your child feel better. I have suggestions below that will help you help your child. If you notice your child being anxious and fearful for more than two weeks consistently, it will be helpful to talk to your pediatrician and perhaps a counselor.

1. Parents are a barometer for their children, and children are skilled with reading their parent’s emotions. So, before you talk to your children, make sure you know how you feel about what happened, and if you are anxious or not ready to help your child feel secure, delay talking with them about it.
2. Don’t mention the trauma part to your children and don’t assume what they are afraid of. Rather, ask them specifically so you won’t introduce another possible fear. If they mention they are afraid of the bad man shooting them, validate that by saying it’s natural to feel that way, but also tell them you are going to do everything you can to keep them safe.
3. Limit the news in your home regarding the tragedy. Children don’t understand the replays and they may be at the level of thinking each time they view the incident it is happening again. The visual parts as well as the audio accounts of the shooting once seen and heard may create anxiety, nightmares, and depression in children.
4. As much as possible, stay on your routine at home. This will give your child stability and reduce anxiety. The holidays have many traditions, keep those alive as much as possible.
5. As a family, draw cards, send letters, and/or bake cookies for the families or people in the community where the shooting occurred, or for someone needing them in your own community. This helps your child see that there are more good people than bad.
6. This is an excellent time to set up an emergency plan in your own home. Go through what you each will do if there is an emergency. This empowers children and helps them feel more in control. Remind them of a time something happened and what they did to help. Also remind them of how proud you were of them.
7. Take extra time at night to read stories, watch movies, or say prayers. This helps kids feel safer and it is also a time when questions come up that parents can use to help understand how their child is processing the tragedy.
8. This is a good time to bring your spiritual beliefs to the forefront. Things such as having a mass said, or lighting a candle, or planting a tree for the children who lost their lives is important. It helps your child see that no matter what happens people do care and they do remember. Spirituality is also important because it gives us strength beyond our human capacity.
9. Listen to your children.  Children’s brains work differently than adults, and by careful listening you can better ascertain where your child is having a difficult time with the shooting.

10.  Grieving with your child will help them heal. Children grieve much differently than adults. Their time frame isn’t the same as ours. They may be playing and jumping around one minute, and sitting alone by a tree the next. Grieving in children isn’t normal for adults to witness and we want to cheer them up. This is a time to acknowledge when they are sad and then brainstorm with them what they can do (with your help) to feel better. Always identify with trying to do something good with your child for others.

I find comfort in what Mr. Rodgers’ mother use to tell him when tragedy struck. She would say, “Look for the helpers. There are always more helpers than bad people.” I see this acted out in truth all of the time, in situation after situation.  Good in the world must always be more powerful than bad; we all need that right now.

More than fifty percent of all children are raised in single parent families in the United States. During the holidays this can lead to additional stress because kids are joining their other biological parent to celebrate, and many times this parent has another family. Blending families is never easy, and in fact the leading cause of divorce among second marriages is the children involved. Blending families doesn’t have to be a nightmare; it can be an opportunity to show a child that love extends beyond problems between their mom and dad. Step-parents or loving partners that a child may encounter after a divorce, separation or death of parent, play an integral part in a child’s life and can provide insight into the depth of a healthy, loving relationship.   

If you are a step-parent or entering a relationship where blending with the kids is important, there are important things to remember, especially during the holiday season. These suggestions may help you help the children you love in establishing a bridge of peace in your home:

1.  Whoever has the children should, as much as possible, follow the daily routines the child has from the home they live in most of the time. Kids draw stability from routines, and when their routine is not followed this may lead to increased anxiety and acting out.

2.  Never force your stepchild or your partner’s child to bond with you. Bonding takes a long time, and it requires time, not money or gifts. You cannot buy a child’s love.

3.  Never talk badly about your child’s biological parent.

4.  Don’t try to discipline your stepchild; this is the biological parent’s job. It is wise to talk to the child’s parent in privacy and come up with a plan together while the child is with you that will work for both of you. As a family you should talk directly with your child the next day.

5.  When you talk with your stepchild, be sure to listen to them, and encourage open, honest communication. Lecturing never works with biological or stepchildren.

6.  Gift giving should be discussed prior to the child joining your family. This is not a time to “win the child over.” This is a time to show grace and love, and demonstrate that small things matter most. Trying to outdo the other parent usually backfires and hurts the child.

The holidays are for children, and you can help create special memories that will last forever. If you are a step-parent, your stepchild will love you most if they feel that you understand and accept where they came from. You establish this by listening, and rather than trying to change them, help bridge the gap of emotion they may feel, but be unable to express.

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Divorce is painful for the involved couple and their kids. For the most part we talk about couples counseling, support groups and support for the children.  One set of people we haven’t talked about are the parents of the couple. Very seldom do we hear about support groups or parents counseling for the parents of the struggling couple. This is unfortunate because the parents suffer in silence and to keep peace within the family their silence is deafening. Afraid of losing their son or daughter’s love, as well as the possible chance of losing a child-in-law that they have accepted as their own is excruciating. They worry about their grandbabies, the holiday get-togethers, reunions and their own internal struggle of “Why is our child getting a divorce?”

When children are unhappily married it may be their parents who notice it first. Parents have seen their children pass through every stage and they, more than others, know the subtle frowns, eyebrow raising, and false smiles. They have seen their child defeated in sports and that defeated posture is impossible to hide from parents. When their child is not eating well, or complaining about headaches, stomach aches and other bodily complaints the parent cannot turn off their awareness to the situation at hand. Parents will tell me: they knew from the beginning the marriage wouldn’t work, or that their son or daughter was not ready to marry.

One of the major difficulties for most parents is, “What can I do to make the situation better?” Since there are usually no answers when they ask this question, their only option is to support the decision made by their son or daughter. Every parent is afraid of becoming an obstacle and risking the loss of their child or grandchildren. This accommodating behavior, due to fear of loss or making things worse, is not what their child/couple may need. It would be wonderful if the kids would come to their parents and say, “Hey mom and dad, we are having trouble, can you help us?” I don’t know of one parent that wouldn’t do everything to try and help their son or daughter work things out in the best way possible. For example, something as simple as parents taking the kids for the couple to get counseling would be an incredible help for most couples with marital problems.

If you find yourself in this situation and you know something is wrong with the relationship, but still not sure if you should or shouldn’t offer your support, these suggestions may help: 

1. Talk directly to your child, touch their arm or shoulder in a familiar mom or dad way and without blaming them or being critical, and tell them you feel that something isn’t right. Follow that with this comment, “If there is anything your dad/or mom can do right now to show you love and support please let me know.”
2. If your child confides in you, offer to pay for counseling sessions and/or take the kids while they go.
3. Depending upon with whom they counsel, retreats may be advised and are available on weekends. Offer to take the grandchildren so your child and their partner can focus on strengthening their relationship.
4. Reach out to the in-law child as well as your own child. Reassure them both that they are loved and you understand marriage is difficult and requires constant work.
5. If your own child is being traumatized in the marriage, then focus your attention and support on your child. If your child is in a traumatic marriage…with abuse (physical, emotional or sexual), your child must get out. Make sure you will help with finding a safe living situation and offer support, love and guidance for your child and any children involved.

Our children are our children all of their life (and our life). Just as a marriage is forever in good times and in bad, your children are with you forever also. Helping them through the tough times is as important as celebrating the good times with them. The worst part about a divorce or relationship break up is the extent to which the whole family is affected. If you have been “mom or dad” to your son/daughter and their spouse, then continue being “mom or dad” as long as they need you to be. Having kids means learning to let go, watch them grow, and yet somehow be the net underneath them when they fall. For many of our kids, failing at a marriage is a fall. Let them know…home is always going to be home.

When I was a child my parents use to say, “We’ll see,” when they couldn’t commit to a promise, either a “yes” or a “no.” The dreaded, “We’ll see,” use to leave me feeling anxious and hopeful that it would evolve into a clear yes or no depending on what I was requesting. I didn’t place much value on my parent’s commitment to keeping their words until I became older and realized that the whole world didn’t function like that. In fact, much of the world is okay with saying definitive Yes and No’s that hold less value than the air it took to force them out of the mouth they came from.

One of my areas of work is in media, and if you want to hear a lot of yes and no’s with little value, this line of work will keep you well supplied. It is so common to not keep your word in media that when I find someone who actually commits to their word, I send them flowers, candy or promise to take their kids for the weekend (keeping my word). Part of the empty promises is due to the fickleness of the business. Things change fast, and what was true yesterday is not today.  My concern with the media field is that when truths are rare and lies become so casual, the teller of the lie no longer feels as if it is wrong. Many of them don’t trust one another and they aren’t trustworthy themselves. I am not sure how they are with their real lives, because I no longer trust who they say they are, nor do I believe they trust themselves.

It’s one thing when promises are made and not kept at work, but when broken promises and untruths are brought home to your family and friends it is destructive. Children, parents, friends and family members form expectations and plan their days around what those closest to them tell them. If you promise an aging parent that you are going to spend the day or part of the day with them, and then you don’t show up or even call, it is experienced as a letdown for the parent. Your parent most likely told every grocery clerk or postal service person who would listen that you were coming.  Along with your promise, they imagined things they wanted to share with you, getting a hug from you, and feeling important enough that you would want to spend time with them. Your promise was more than your word; it was an anticipated experience for them.  When a divorced parent promises their child that they are going to have a great weekend together, that child may talk about it to their friends and teachers with great excitement! Can you imagine how that excitement fizzles if you don’t show up? Or maybe worse, you pick your excited child up, but drop them off with a babysitter or parent because a “better offer came up?” This happens frequently. You are teaching your child that your word means nothing, and they interpret your behavior to mean they are nothing to you either.

If your word means nothing, you neither have nor stand for anything and it keeps building. There is a better way, and it doesn’t involve saying yes when you mean, “I cannot commit to you, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” Being honest with what you can and cannot do, and then following through (no matter what offer comes up) is the solution to being a trustworthy person. Here are a few more suggestions to rebuilding your trust with people you have let down.

1. The next promise you make, tell the person up front that you are sorry you have not kept your word in the past. Acknowledge how that must have hurt them. Ask them if you can try again, and commit to a smaller promise (share breakfast instead of a whole morning) this time.
2. If the answer is going to be NO, just say it. The person hearing no is angry at the word, not you. They become angry with you when you say “YES,” but were too weak to tell the truth.
3. If you are going to be late with a promised meeting or agenda, call the person in advance. Don’t leave them waiting by the door or the phone. That is just plain rude. You are no longer just untrustworthy; you are also an insensitive liar.
4. If unfulfilled promises have a financial impact, you are wise to get any and all promises written with a legal document. Somehow when people know they may have to pay for an unkept promise, they are more motivated to keep their promise.
5. 5.     Usually when a promise is made to someone and not kept there is a fall back person (the person who picks up and builds up the person you let down). If you continually make promises you don’t keep, you may want to consider apologizing to the fall back person as well. They won’t believe you because they most likely have lost their trust in you, but you do owe them an apology.

Every human I know has made at least one promise they didn’t keep. Hopefully, it’s only one or two. If this is a consistent pattern for you, it’s time to work on this. If you destroy someone’s ability to trust you, you have destroyed someone who had faith in you at one time. With each year that passes, you will realize there are less and less people who have faith in you. Life gets lonely when no one trusts you anymore. Life becomes hell when you don’t trust yourself anymore.