Moms are the backbone of our families, and if they are unable to stop their own anger and unable to say no, they risk a heightened risk of hypertension, diabetes, and raising children with a lowered sense of self. How does this happen? Moms who don't take time out for meditation, relaxation, and simple pampering routines become stressed with schedules, worries, and their relationships, which manifest in their health. These same moms forget the importance of exercise and begin to gain weight. This weight gain leads to diseases, such as diabetes and arthritis, which cripples their ability to exercise and participate further in life. Soon they become too tired to join her children at the park, or uncomfortable attending events with their husbands where people may notice their weight, and become depressed because they feel like they are no longer worthwhile.

We begin seeing the effects on children of mom's inability to say “no” because she is so busy saying "yes" to everyone else's demands that the only one hearing “no” is her child. Her children simply note that mom is no longer available to them. Children personalize everything and begin to think they are not worthy of mom's attention. This leads to the child's poor sense of self. Moms who are stressed with too much to do don't talk well about themselves either. The child is constantly hearing mom berate herself for her thunder thighs, big belly, etc...The child personalizes these statements too.

Tips for learning to say "NO" to everyone else and "yes" to you:

1. Practice meditation/prayer, or quiet time every day.
2. Take a 10 minute walk three times a day.
3. Before taking on a new task, ask yourself...who will this benefit? If you or your families are not on the list, say "NO." If you must add something to soften it, say "NO, I am taking time out for myself and my family."
4. Get pampered with something you like at least once a week.
5. Schedule a time when it is just you and your child...all phones and computers off.
6. Hug your partner at least once a day.
7. Have a chore chart and only do the chores you are listed to do. Appoint a manager of household chores (don't volunteer).

To raise healthier families, moms need to care for themselves and not feel guilty. Much of the conflict in a family is caused by undue stress mom feels about not having time for herself and her inability to say “No.” Dads can help by pitching in with chores and focusing on the marriage more. Moms who are in good marriages have a tendency to stress less and handle daily demands with healthier coping skills. The best ways to teach your children to manage stress well is to teach them by modeling appropriate self-care tips. Taking time out for you will help your child understand that giving back and nourishing our own body and spirit is as important as busying ourselves by taking care of others.

Cheating is destructive in any relationship. Men and women both cheat for varied reasons. Women seldom cheat for the physical reasons and almost always cheat due to emotional attachments. This makes sense as women are emotional beings. Most sex, as well as intimacy, happens in our minds long before it happens to us physically. We play all sorts of “scenarios” in our head of how making love to this person would be, and we entertain words we want to hear as well. Women look for different types of people to cheat with than men do.

A man may choose someone primarily on their looks or sex appeal. Women look at what the man does, how he behaves, as well as how emotional he can be with us. One of the primary reasons women cheat is because we feel that we aren't getting the attention we need or deserve from our partner. A woman gives up a lot of her power to her partner. This partner is responsible for making us feel desired, adored and loved. If this partner fails at displaying enough attention or reconfirming that we are most important, we become depressed and/or angry. We tell ourselves that we need to find someone else who will recognize our beauty and significance. This may put women in a position where an affair is likely.

There are other reasons that women cheat, including revenge, excitement, power, money, romance, falling in love or a difficult marriage (or relationship). When you look at all the reasons, it usually boils down to one very large and unavoidable issue. Having an affair has a lot to do with a low self-esteem. However, this reason won't stand up in the courts. Nor will it make your husband or partner any more forgiving. But, it is true.

Many of my female patients struggle with their self-esteem as well as their confidence. Some of the struggle is physical, including their body image, such as their feelings about their looks and their feelings of how those close to them feel about their looks. The struggle is also emotional. This includes their ability to feel educated, confident or worthy to their family and friends. When counseling a couple after the woman has cheated, the husband usually remarks, “I told you every day you were beautiful, so why did you do this to us?” She did it, because although he told her how beautiful she was, she couldn't believe it. She is a vase with a leak in it. No matter how much water he pours in, it will leak out. The vase has a leak, and in this marriage the wife has a leak that neither her husband nor anyone else can fill. She doesn't believe she is a worthwhile person.

Much of a counselor's job is trying to help the individual seal a leak. Childhood is where many of the leaks form. That's why we believe parenting is so vital. If you find yourself married to someone with a leak, or you personally feel like you have a leak, don't despair. There are ways to super glue your leak and feel whole again. I offer suggestions for you to begin today. Try to adapt them into your current lifestyle and also use them with parenting. The worst thing is not having a leak, but rather creating a leak in someone else.

Ways to glue a leak and maintain a healthy self-esteem:

1. Make a plan today to take better care of yourself.

   a. Go for a walk.

   b. Eat two more veggies today.

   c. Eat two more fruits today.

   d. Listen to your favorite music for 15 minutes.

2. Write someone a letter that has the truth in it. The raw, real truth about something that has been bothering you. Don't send it immediately, wait 24 hours.
3. Clean out one old drawer that you have been putting off.
4. Find one token of appreciation such as an award or where someone said something good about you. Get it out for display in your home.
5. Re-read thank you cards you have received. If you don't have any, do something nice for someone and you most likely will receive one.
6. Go to a prayer website and submit one prayer for yourself or someone else. God is big and He can handle many; you only need to submit one.
7. Do one simple wonderful thing for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it does have to be for you.

Living your life and never feeling fulfilled is a terrible way to live. In a marriage it may cause “tit for tat” behaviors, which can be a reason for cheating too. Begin today to fulfill yourself instead of expecting other people, friends or family to do it for you. Not getting what you needed as a child is unfortunate, but you are an adult now. It's time to add your own water.

I have a friend who constantly looks at herself in any and all mirrors. She is not conceited or even what I would call vain. In fact, this friend is one of my most beautiful friends but she doesn't see that in the mirror. She complains constantly of growing older, getting more saggy skin, and how she would like to have a surgeon give her a body lift and face lift. One day when she was looking at her reflection as we sat down to lunch I hinted that maybe she should quit her obsession with looking at mirrors. I suggested it may be the mirror that was the real culprit to her lack of confidence with her looks. She turned to me with her eyes wide as she took that in. She had never thought about this concept. Apparently she looked to the mirror as a constant valuator of all she detested about her looks. She turned to the mirror to make sure nothing had gotten worse than the last time she checked.

My friend regards “looks” like many women I know. Women know too much about the influence of their looks. We know from numerous studies that beauty determines much of our life. We understand that attractive children are more popular with classmates and teachers than unattractive children. We understand that in a court of law the more attractive you are the less guilty you may be found. In all areas of life the more attractive the person the more that same person is thought of as good, intelligent, and popular. We become obsessed with how we look. Women are also much more critical about who is and who is not attractive.
Men are much healthier than women in the assessment of their own attractiveness. Men look in a mirror and judge themselves as better looking than they actually are. Women look in the mirror and see the Ugly Step Mother. In fact, women who look in the mirror excessively are most likely not looking for vanity reasons, but due to insecurity. Where is this coming from, or why is it getting worse? We look to the media to project our blame. The media is no doubt part of the problem. They show thin women who are made up or digitally altered to look so beautiful that we can never match it in real life. Our standards of beauty have become narrower and much less flexible. Whenever you lose the flexibility in what is beautiful, and who is beautiful you create an image that everyone must try to fit into. Pictures of what is accepted as beautiful are on billboards, TV, Internet, and magazines. We see them so much we begin to think of these images as the norm. We, along with our families and friends, don't fit these images so we judge them and ourselves as inferior. We also become susceptible to what the ads are promoting, or commercials are saying in regards to how we can become beautiful. Weight loss ads, skin care commercials, and surgical enhancements are all part of this. The more critical we become regarding our looks the more vulnerable we become to these ads.

In a recent survey, 80% of women who were asked to rate themselves in a mirror did not like what they saw. That is a sobering 8 out of 10 women. Lesbian women and African American women were less harsh with their judgment. These two groups had a more flexible image of what determines beauty. The white Caucasian women were the most inflexible with their judgment. More than any other group, they seemed to have a definite concept of beauty and most of them could not measure up. Their main criticism was aimed at their bodies, especially their stomachs, hips, and thighs. Does this mean we are doomed to continue this cycle to our daughters for generations to come? If not, what can we do today to stop the body hate for the next generation?

 

1. Try to limit looking in the mirror to once or twice a day.
2. Watch your “self talk.” What you say to yourself becomes who you are, and what you say to yourself is what your children hear and will later say to themselves.
3. When you see a reflection of yourself, rather than judge it harshly, remind yourself that you actually look better than what you are thinking (I am borrowing from the men here).
4. Stop all weight loss diets and adopt a lifestyle that involves movement every day.
5. Focus on your relationships rather than your looks.
6. Getting a massage or pampering your body is a way to nurture it and does much more than an expensive face cream ever will.
7. To secure a relationship with your partner, put your focus on enjoying each other with intimacy and sex more than trying to look better (when you are connected with intimacy and sex, how you look becomes less important).
8. Stay away from magazines or websites that promote an inflexible standard of beauty.
9. Stay away from friends that focus on their outer beauty rather than what they can do to benefit other's lives.
10. Be honest with your partner if their behavior or words make you feel judged or unattractive. Most likely, they were insensitive to what they said and how it may have affected you.

 

Aging is difficult for everyone to some extent. Aging is especially difficult for women who have focused most of their attention on their looks rather than their interests. Begin today finding new interests, and ways you can give back and make someone else's life better. The best cure for insecurity with one's looks is having confidence that what you do is valued and needed by others. You don't have to be “HOT” or "ATTRACTIVE" to be a beautiful person.

The War of the Roses was a movie about angry couples who tried to punish each other with extreme and devious plots. I see a simplified version almost every day when counseling couples. We all get angry at our partner from time to time, and wish we could punish them in some way that would eliminate their annoying or hurtful behavior. The problem with punishing someone is it cannot be done rashly and is not wise to do when you are angry and upset. Punishment is most effective when it is a natural consequence. An example of that would be if your husband refuses to grocery shop when you are out of town or away on business. When you get home and want to cook up a feast (because you want to please him) and there is no food in the house rather than running to the grocery store yourself, you eat leftovers. Leftovers are easier for you and he will learn that if he wants a nice dinner he has to do his part of the meal preparation. You don't need to yell; you can talk it over and explain. The War of the Roses' version is you get into a huge fight and end up yelling at him with a knife in your hands as you are chopping vegetables. Not productive and not changing anyone's behavior. Or maybe you are separated and your spouse wants the kids for the weekend. You pack their overnight bags with the baggy clothes (to show you need more money) or you send your child to your spouse with only half of what they need. You aren't happy, your spouse isn't happy, and the child is caught in the middle. No one wins in this mess. Is this your relationship right now? Ask yourself these questions:

 

1. Do you let yourself go because your partner is constantly looking at other attractive people and mentioning your weight is a problem?
2. Do you drink too much because you just want to feel numb or you want your partner to know you don't care?
3. Are you having an affair because your partner doesn't pay attention to you or has cheated on you in the past?
4. Do you not get your hair, nails, or any other self care because you don't want your husband to know you care?
5. Have you given up on yourself because you want the other person to know how much their words have hurt you?
6. Do you use sex as a weapon or form of punishment?
7. Do you turn to the children to have an emotional relationship because you are angry with their other parent?

There are many forms of punishing someone you love, but remember that they hurt your own self too. If, when you punish someone, it harms you or is unhealthy for your marriage and family, then I encourage you to engage in different behaviors.

Three effective behaviors to use instead of punishment:

 

1. Talk to your spouse. If you are angry, wait until you calm down. Write down what the problem is because that helps keep it clearer in your mind. It also takes the emotions out of it and you have less of a tendency to act irrationally. For example: “I am hurt that you left and we cannot work out our marriage. I don't think it is good for the children and every time I send them to you it is a sign that I failed.” This may be true or false, but if you feel it then it is honest and needs to be said rather than acted out.
2. Be flexible. Things don't always go our way. Sometimes your mate cannot do a chore (going to the grocery store) because they had to prioritize other things. If you are rigid or close-minded in your thinking, you will have a difficult time being married. Life is not black and white and sometimes the best intentions go undone.
3. Never forget your children are watching you. Did you know that bullies watch their adult parents punish each other? They know how to punish and many times they practice what they watch on someone they see as weaker than themselves. Wouldn't you rather have your child watch you forgive and accept your partner's faults?
4. Tone of voice and lack of affection may hurt your partner, but it can kill you. Studies support that anger, tone of voice, being hurt and not feeling or giving affection are traumatic to the heart. Yet, when we get angry or hurt these are the first weapons we use. We withdraw affection, intimacy, sex or use a harsh voice. How long do you need to punish someone with these tactics? The longer you use them, the more they will hurt you. Your partner may or may not feel punished.
5. Self-care is vital to your existence. When you stop taking care of yourself the ONLY person you are hurting is yourself. You are telling yourself that you are not a worthwhile, loveable person, and your children are watching. Children personalize what their parents say, not only by their words, but what they see their parents doing. Not taking care of you, whether it involves drinking, drugs, or becoming obese, are all ways people try to get back or punish someone. Many times anger and rebellion are underneath these behaviors. Your behavior may make your partner feel guilt, shame, or sadness, but what is it doing to you?

Most marriages would be healthier if they quit trying to punish each other and began to focus on trying to understand. Work with each other's strengths as well as their weaknesses. We all feel the need to punish our partners at some time. However, trying to punish someone else is missing the point. Instead, focus on caring for yourself when you are hurt by someone. Let go of the hurt and treat yourself to something that will make you feel cared for and special. Buy yourself flowers, or take a walk in a garden. Look at beauty, sketch, get your nails done, or meet a friend for coffee and a chat. The feelings of needing to punish someone will dissipate, and you will be more ready to talk after you have filled yourself up by doing something positive.

I work at the Methodist Weight Management program. It is not uncommon for women to tell me they became morbidly obese after they got married. In fact many women will recite that they were thin until the birth of their first baby. They are frustrated and do not understand what happened. Many of these women feel guilty because they believe it is the way they eat or not enough exercise. Certainly behavior changes do contribute to weight gain, but maybe it has more to do with the couple and what they are doing together that leads to weight gain for the wife?

Annette J. Dobson, a professor of biostatistics at the University of Queensland in Australia reported that adjusting for other variables on average a woman who weighs 140 pounds who has a partner whether she lives with him or is married to him gains up to 20lbs in ten years if she has a baby, 15 pounds if there is no baby and no partner she gains only 11 pounds.  The number of women with a baby but no partner was too small of a sample size to draw statistically significant conclusions (link to the NY Times Article).

Scientists cannot come up with a reason to believe that having a partner would cause metabolic changes so they are lead to believe that the weight gain among the childless women with partners must be caused by behavioral changes. The weight gain seemed to be steady during the whole 10 year study so whatever behaviors they were changing just kept getting more constant.

This study was done with 6,000 Australian women over a ten year period which ended in 2006. It was difficult studying such a large group over that period of time. By the end of the study more than half of the women had college degrees and about three quarters had partners and half had had at least one baby. Almost all the weight gain happened with the first baby, while subsequent births had little effect. Also by the end of the study there were fewer smokers and risky drinkers than at the beginning. There were fewer women exercising and less of them were working outside the home. But even after adjusting for all of these factors and more, the difference in weight gain among women with and without babies and among women with and without partners remained. This study included only women but the researchers cited one earlier study that showed an increase in obesity among men who had children, adding evidence that behavior changes occur to both partners. Healthy and unhealthy lifestyles affect both men and women.

How to prevent or minimize weight gain as a couple:

1. Get into an exercise program and do it every day (consistency is the key). Don’t focus on the amount of time; try to take mini intense workouts. Walking very fast for 10 minutes is better than walking slow for 20. No time to exercise? Fit walking in whenever you can.
2. When you go out to eat, watch portions. If your husband weighs 200 pounds and is 6 feet and you are 5 feet 2 inches and weigh 140 you should not be eating the same amount of food he does. Cut down half of the portion the restaurant brings you.
3. As much as possible do not eat after 7 p.m. in the evening.
4. Have sex frequently. I don’t know why it works, but it does for burning calories. It also will help with your body image which will help you control your appetite.
5. Pamper yourself with things other than food. Most of what I do at my job is to teach people alternative behaviors to relieve stress that don’t include food.

As couples become comfortable in a relationship they may develop the attitude that they don’t need to stay slim anymore. This is not only untrue but it is dangerous. Most diseases are worsened or precipitated by weight gain. Instead of using food as a measure of comfort couples would be wise to use a new measure such as hugs, snuggling, or massages. In the New Year make it a goal to find a new activity you can do as a couple that doesn’t involve eating.

The government and every advertiser understand that we are all afraid. You know this because you watch TV and I read the newspaper; most of the stories and commercials are centered on our fears. Our fears are growing old, losing our children to drugs or alcohol, losing our job, or maybe being sick and having no medical coverage. Our fears of getting obese and losing our sense of esteem. So many fears and all of us, every single one of us are being affected. I see my own, I see yours, and so I write this as a reminder to myself and you that we DO NOT have to be controlled by our fears.

Most of what we fear never happens. When it does, it is the "tape" we tell ourselves that scares us most. We say "If that ever happened I would kill myself or shoot someone". This is "crazy talk" and although we don't mean it, we say it, and it scares us. A lot of my work is teaching patients how to "re-tape" their own fears. Below are some examples to get you started. You can chose any topic and walk yourself through a plan. The best way to overcome fear is to have a plan or a tape that you can recite. This is my personal tape and it works well if you can recite it frequently: "No matter what happens, I will deal with it".

Sample Fears

• Being without a man. This sounds trivial but many women fear this. They tell themselves that they will never have a husband and children and will grow old with no one to care for them. They know it is not rational but they are still terrified.

Overcoming this fear:

First write down exactly what you are afraid of (eating alone, shopping alone, sleeping alone, etc...). Now begin to focus on doing those things you have said you are afraid of. Go shopping alone and enjoy it (add whatever you need to in order to make it fun). Eat alone (go to a fancy restaurant and enjoy each bite, look great when you go). The idea is to practice these things you are afraid of and overcome them. Not all at once.

Next begin to re-think being single. What have you told yourself about being single? If you made it negative, begin to look at the positive aspects (no abuse, no divorce, watching what you want) and always think of how you can get your fears conquered in a healthy way. If you don't like to eat alone, invite someone to go with you. Or have a party. If you want children, baby sit for your friends; make someone happy by reading at a school or volunteer for a boys and girls club.

• Gaining weight

Overcome this fear:

Write down exactly what you are afraid of (your eating is out of control, you will not be able to date, you won't be able to walk, you will be teased). Now begin to focus on doing the things you are afraid of. When you eat, take more control by having smaller plates, eating at home instead of fast foods, plan what you are going to eat. Have "cheat food" (carrots and celery) available at all times. Begin to go out on evenings. Put yourself out there—join on line dating, go dancing. Begin to walk and WALK EVERY DAY. What do you notice when you walk? Think of "come backs" when/if people do tease you. Write them down. Practice with delivery. Be assured that you are taking care of yourself. You are being your own advocate.

Next, begin to re-think what you have told yourself about being overweight. What words have you called yourself or heard people say to overweight people? What did your parents say to you when you were overweight? Write them down and get them out of your head and on to paper. Don't lose weight for others, lose weight for yourself. Don't focus on a size, but on an activity you want to be able to participate in once you lose weight. How can you help yourself or others going through the same struggle or fear? Participate in support groups, volunteer for a Children's Obese Camp, join or organize a "walkers group". Get active.

The key is to write the fear down and then come up with at least 5 things you can do for each of those fears to alleviate them in a healthy way (this usually means serving/helping others with the management of your fear).

Fear thrives on inactivity and talking about your fear. It cannot thrive on writing down elements of the fear nor can it thrive if you become active. Chose a fear, and begin to act on it today!

MJo

Many of my patients find out many interesting things about themselves after weight loss surgery or any other major health transitions. As they become healthier they realize they are in a relationship which is no longer healthy but that they are dependent upon. Their main concern is how they will make it financially on their own. To stay in a relationship for any other reason than love or commitment to the family is not recommended. This is especially true if the relationship is humiliating, demeaning, or abusive (physically, verbally, or sexually). Due to the fear of poverty, many will avoid taking actions to get out of the relationship. Their children are exposed to abuse throughout their childhood and many times go on to live a life exactly like what they experienced growing up. At some point one must decide to make it on their own to save themselves and their children.

How do you know if you are in a good relationship that just needs a little bit more work or a relationship that is not healthy? Here are a few questions to ask yourself to help you evaluate your personal situation.

1. Is money the only good thing in your relationship?

2. Do you spend most of your day worried about money, bills, and expenses?

3. Does your significant other threaten you with "cutting off money" or support?

4. Do you feel humiliated or abused in regards to your lack of contribution of money to the relationship?

If you answer yes to any of these, you have a red flag in your relationship. Make a date to talk to your significant other in regards to how you feel about this. If you are the primary breadwinner and your partner is draining your savings account as soon as you make a deposit you MUST talk about it. Relationships are a two way street. Many people avoid dealing with relationship issues and medicating with food, alcohol, or drugs. As we become healthier we realize these methods are all inadequate in dealing with the situation of financial security in a relationship. Get active. Write down your concerns and make a date with your partner today. Get the issues out in the open so you can begin to tackle them one step at a time.

MJo

"But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

--Earnest Hemmingway- The Old Man and the Sea.

Life can be cruel. If you watch the news you see heart breaking stories and you ponder the purpose of life. For so many there is not purpose. They see their life in days they have to get through.

Although life can be cruel and bad things can happen, people can be incredible. They can be honest, inspiring, selfless, and tireless for a cause. People make the difference in life. I have worked with people who have lived a life of shame, abuse, rejection and isolation and, yet, they live their life doing good for others, being helpful, and giving more when many of us hold back. What makes this difference? Why are some people undefeated no matter what happens while others “throw in the towel” with the least bit of frustration? I would like to say it is the way you are raised, but this has not proven true. Parents do affect how children grow up, but some children grow up with nothing and still give everything. I think the difference is that people that feel a need to be better and find a purpose have a faith that many of us cannot comprehend. They believe in something much bigger then themselves—whether that is God, a cause, or a principle they embrace it and live their lives in a manner that will manifest the purpose.

How can we be more like those kinds of people? We must begin with finding our truest sense of what it is we want to accomplish here on earth. We have to begin to tell ourselves every day that we are here for a limited time. We must quit thinking of owning our lives and think more about giving back our lives.

A few tips to finding your purpose and living a more meaningful life.

1. Find one area that you believe you can improve. This should be something small that you think you can begin and finish. Small steps will lead to big ones and completing small ones builds confidence as you focus on larger ones.

2. Take one risk every day. Feel that risk and tell yourself how proud you are of yourself for doing it.

3. Make a dinner and have others over. It doesn’t have to be a big dinner, it can be simple (chips and drinks). You are doing this as a way of listening and serving others. It is one of the easiest and most tangible ways of getting people out and exploring new ideas.

4. It is human nature to focus on the bad or terrible news, but that helps no one. Begin to focus on one good thing that has happened to you and/or another and repeat to yourself at least three times a day “thank you for letting that happen”.

5. As much as is possible focus on today. We get stressed about what commitments we have in the future, but life shows us there is no guarantee of a future. Do what you can today to make a difference.

What a difference we can all make in one day. One day is forever!

MJo

I was reading an article about Barbie. A recent study out of Canada resulted in the finding that 99% of girls (age 3 to 10 years old) had a Barbie doll. That is not really remarkable except for the fact that these young girls want to look like their Barbie. It isn’t the same as boys wanting to be like GI Joe. Little boys think if they have a dart gun or fatigues they look like GI Joe. If they are screaming and shooting a toy gun they become him. Little girls really want to be Barbie to the extent that it is frightening. They want the hair, the shoes, the tops, but mostly they want the body. Barbies’ proportions, for example, found that her back would be too weak to support the weight of her upper body and her lower body would be too narrow to contain more then half a liver and only a few centimeters of bowel. A real woman who was built that way would suffer from chronic diarrhea and eventually die. Eating disorders affect almost half of all teenage girls in some capacity. Who is responsible—media, TV, girlfriends, boyfriends, genetics, web sites, parents? It’s all of us. We all have ways of judging people and in this society we usually judge what we see first.

Men are more visual and I use to think if we change men’s thinking or educated them about the importance of the way they talk to women and about women we could turn this body image epidemic around. Although men could be educated more in regards to women’ bodies and what they experience in relation to hormones and body fat, they are not really the problem. Most men marry a woman that is average height 5’4’’, and weight twenty to forty pounds over their desired weight. Men talk about beautiful women, but they go deeper than our look when they are talking about love or marriage (how deep is up to negotiation). I think women are the real problem. We hold ourselves up to impossible standards. Men are sick of hearing about our thighs, our wrinkles, and our hair.

It is women who have to make the change. We have to understand that the concept of beauty is driven by an advertisement industry. This industry is all about making money. We women fall for it hook, line and sinker. We buy products to boost us up, hold us in, cover our age spots, and define our waists. We don’t only judge ourselves, but we judge our daughters and we judge our daughters’ friends. We make foolish mistakes by trying to make our daughters the most beautiful in the class so they (or is it us?) can be popular. How do we get out of this mess?

1. Before you buy anything look at it carefully. What is the advertiser trying to convince you of? If they are trying to sell you something that is going to make you more beautiful do you really believe this is going to change your life? Wouldn’t everyone buy it if it were so powerful?

2. If your man really wanted a “Barbie Doll” could he get one? If he could why is he with you? If you aren’t sure, maybe you should ask him.

3. What would improve in your life if you were as thin as Barbie? Would you have more confidence? Would you feel more accomplished? Maybe your looks are not the problem. Maybe it is deeper and the fact that you have a flaw (a little overweight) makes it easier to not deal with the real issue.

4. When your daughter does something special reward her with your time, not by buying her something that “will make her look more beautiful”. She is beautiful enough and so are you.

MJo

       I was reading an article that stated 75% of the population is not aware of their true passion. That means there are a lot of people walking around not understanding themselves and feeling aimless in regards to what they can do and how they can make this world a better place. In fact this also correlates with another study that reported that many addictions, depression, teens acting out, and marital affairs come about by people feeling lost. The article was saying that when people feel bored or that they don't have a reason to get up in the morning they turn to other forms of acting out. This behavior may appear as someone who acts wild, gossips, or is overly dramatic or judgmental. People who gossip may do it because it makes them feel better about how small they see themselves. It also adds excitement to what they consider their "boring existence". If you feel like you are one of these people who uses other's lives to enhance your own and make it more exciting here is a suggestion for you.

       The first suggestion is congratulations for being aware enough that you can own this behavior and be honest with yourself. The second suggestion is "STOP". Why would you want to live someone else's life? No one is exactly like you and, therefore, you need to develop your own gifts and talents to the fullest. Quit living through others and create something new. Lastly, quit all the drama. That doesn't make you more exciting, but rather it makes you difficult to be around. You are at your best when you are focused on your own path, not anyone else's.

 

 

1. What makes you happy? Usually the activity or events that make us happiest also bring us a sense of peace. It is part of the reason you are here. Begin to write those things down. An example of this is buying flowers and planting them. You begin to notice whenever you are working with flowers you are at peace. You could begin to arrange flowers or press flowers. Start a business or perhaps look at landscape architecture for a career.
2. What comes to you naturally or is very easy for you? These gifts are just that, but they also define your passion. I love to speak and teach. Lecturing is something I have enjoyed since I was small. I can do it now and it has provided opportunities with media, teaching patients, and being a therapist.
3. What interests do you like to talk about? My daughter enjoys cooking. Each time she comes home she wants to try a new recipe. She has been like this since she was small. She loved trying new recipes and putting foods together. This is part of her passion. She makes dinners for our whole family and pleases so many people with something that is so pleasurable for her.
4. What would you regret trying if you died tomorrow? Don't put off finding what your true passion is. Take risks and don't worry about doing it wrong. The only wrong thing is to continue talking about other people and judging what they are doing because you are too bored to try something yourself.

       I know so many patients that didn't find their passion until they were in their sixties or seventies. It is never too late, but do start today! Have a wonderful week!

MJo