One of the most common problems to be diagnosed with if you are a woman over forty living in the United States is low libido. I have to qualify this statement because the problem of low libido is a common problem in the United States, but not so problematic in other countries. The U.S. is also very youth driven and not only do Americans have difficulty aging, they seem somewhat shamed about it. When you compare our culture to Asian Cultures or to Europe you will notice a strong difference. Women in Japan don’t know what a hot flash is, and in Italy you wouldn’t have to look far to see a fifty to sixty year woman flaunting what she has on a nude beach. In the U.S. her counterpart may do the same but not without her share of surgical scars, implants, and other adjustments. This brings me to the fundamental problem of low libido. The emotional effects of low libido don’t only affect the woman herself, but they affect her partner and her children because like it or not, we are teaching the next generation how to age and remain vibrant. 

My work as an intimacy/sex counselor has taught me that intimacy and sex have a huge impact on a person’s health, managing their stress, their relationship and their self-esteem. Sex and intimacy only become a problem in life when one of these three areas is not functioning as they should. The physical side of low libido is complicated. Medicine has determined the possible causes and the list includes: arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, neurological diseases, and infertility can also lower low sex drive. Along with medical illnesses, causes can stem from medications taken such as antidepressants, blood pressure medications, chemotherapy drugs, antihistamines, and birth control pills. Vices people use can also cause low libido such as alcohol and drug abuse, which includes marijuana. Obesity can affect blood sugar levels which influences sex drive, and is a huge libido killer.  Many women don’t understand as little as five pounds can make a huge difference to your libido. Not only medically but also emotionally, because women’s self-esteem is wrapped up in how they feel about their body.

Just as impactful as the medical aspects of low libido are the emotional aspects. Whenever I lecture for a group of women low sex drive consumes a big part of their conversation, and they liken it to menopause or getting older. This concerns me, because there is a cause and effect thinking that as women grow older their sex drive will decline. Women all over the United States accept this as part of their reality. They should not. When we have a culture telling our youth this happens, and we tell ourselves it happens we begin to wait for it to happen. Is it any wonder it does happen? To be sure hormonal imbalances change the way a woman feels about sex, her body, her life, and her partner. But accepting a low sex drive because you are a certain age is the same as accepting diabetes drugs to control your blood sugar level when you could change your diet, lifestyle, and exercise regime, and feel better about yourself and manage your blood sugar without medications or minimized medications.

Addressing the emotional causes of low libido should be the first step you take in addressing why you no longer desire sex, your partner, or your intimate life.  

1. How is your mental health? Anxiety and depression must be ruled out.
2. Stress level. Do you have stress regarding work, finances or lack of sleep?
3. Poor body image (do you feel less attractive)?
4. Low self-esteem. Did you just lose a job or is one of your children floundering?
5. A history of physical, verbal or sexual abuse lowers libido.

Relationship problems must also be ruled out prior to asking your doctor for help with medical interventions.

1. Do you feel emotionally connected to your partner? Physical distance is not as important as emotional distance.
2. Are there unresolved conflicts or do you fight about the same things and feel hopeless after?
3. Does your relationship suffer from not being able to talk about your sexual needs or preferences without feeling shamed?
4. Infidelity is a huge libido killer and it takes a long time to mend the emotional aspects of cheating. Cheating is not just sex; it can be a betrayal on any level.

Speaking with a counselor in regards to any of these issues you find yourself struggling with can help put the zing back into your relationship. If your libido is low and you are strong and together as a couple, then it is wise to seek help from an Urologist specializing in sexual dysfunction. Many women ask their general gynecologist for help in this area. However, an Urologist specializing in sexual dysfunction is more specialized, and pursues more of the tests necessary to accurately diagnose the problem of women suffering from low libido.

Men and women suffer equally from the emotional and relationship affects of low libido. Women who believe men have it easier in this area or that men aren’t emotional may be surprised to know my counseling practice has a higher ratio of men who suffer than women. It is clear that when one of the partners isn’t happy with their sex life, both partners are negatively affected.

The recent story of Manti Te’o has anyone who has ever fallen for someone online feeling a bit squeamish. Parts of the story are sketchy, but the part that isn’t involves the concept of falling in love with someone you only know virtually. How do you and can you love someone you have never been in the same room with, kissed or felt their skin against your skin? The answer is yes, you can fall in love or what you believe to be in love with someone you speak to frequently on the phone and talk to on your computer screen. However, this love you feel, or the attachment is to whomever is responding back, and what you must remember is that person is only as real as their story and responses are.

According to recent posts by dating websites, approximately 15 to 20% of all online relationships lead to marriage. Marriage experts agree that there are a few benefits with online dating that far outweigh traditional dating. For example, many people find it easier to be more vulnerable with their emotions online, and the courtships can last longer for couples that talk online. Experts agree that having intimacy and sex before you know the person well can damage the relationship.  Depending on when the meet up happens, these couples may actually know one another on a more intimate level than people who date face to face. The biggest concern is that people who are dating online have an easier time being deceptive.  It’s easy to fool someone if you are never face to face with them. Leading them on or scamming them is also more likely as they only know what you tell them or what they see via a possible Skype.  Relationships that don’t progress to an eventual meet up are not normal. Humans want to see the person they believe they love, they want to touch them, and they want to connect physically with them. In fact, resisting a meet up after months of talking daily would be a sign that there is something amiss with the person you met online. For example, problems with commitment, abandonment or fear of being vulnerable would stand out as likely with this group.

As with all things, the bad can outweigh the good when you are online dating. Te’o’s story has much more explaining to uncover as parts of it make no sense, but that aside, I listen to people who have been scammed by someone they thought there was a chance for a future with. If you are online investing your time and your heart with someone who is taking advantage of you, you may end up losing more than a potential love. The scam experts recommend the following red flags. Taking caution is my best advice, and question oddities.

1. The online dater wants to call you personal pet names too soon. They begin calling you honey, baby, love; the list goes on and on.
2. They encourage you to leave the dating or social network site you are currently on and communicate instant messaging or some other site.
3. They send you too many photos too soon, using their child, their dog or other personal touches. They also want more photos of you (BE CAREFUL).
4. They want your address immediately and back it up by saying they want to send you flowers or court you in an “old fashioned manner.”
5. They give you numerous excuses of why they cannot meet you in person.
6. Things always come up that need to be dealt with immediately. This is where they will begin needing money or some other assistance from you. They are slick about the timing with this and usually wait until you are “hooked.”
7. If you are wise enough to catch them, they continue to lie by telling you that although they weren’t in love with you, through the process of getting to know you they have completely fallen in love with you. Do not believe this.

The people I have talked with tell me that their scammer experience ended with legal issues as well. Scammers have access to photos of the person they scammed. They can blackmail with those photos; so once again, you must take caution with anything you send them. They are usually after money, and they have their victim in a vulnerable position emotionally.

I have gone to several wedding where the couples met online. Their marriages seem committed and more so they are as matched as couples who found someone and dated for years. The courtship part of online dating is very healthy to building a solid relationship. When couples get to know one another well before having sex, the focus is primarily on the emotional aspect of one another. This helps build the friendship that is so important with successful marriage. Understanding that lies and scamming happen anywhere, especially in the virtual work, it is wise to take your time, and if the person online seems too good to be true, they probably are.

Episode #6: This show focuses on what couples need to know about orgasms and ejaculation. Some of the most prominent  problems with intimacy and sex involve not being able to achieve orgasm, and not being able to ejaculate. Dr. Mohit Khera and Mary Jo Rapini explain what happens with couples, and how to resolve these problems before they destroy your relationship. Released November 14, 2012

To access all of the broadcasts in iTunes click here.

If you don't have iTunes, it's no problem, click here.

Episode 5: Couples Struggling with Low Libido. For couples who struggle with loss of sex drive, loss of intimacy and loss of feeling sexual. Dr. Mohit Khera MD and Mary Jo Rapini talk to couples in a way that encourages them and empowers them to engage with one another and learn new ways to feel and be sexual partners. Released November 7, 2012.

To access all of the broadcasts in iTunes click here.

If you don't have iTunes, it's no problem, click here.

Before the job I have now I lived in Lubbock, Texas and worked as the head of the psycho-oncology unit at University Medical Center. While there I received training with Hospice as well as going through a Clinical Pastoral Education program. This program taught me how to support dying patients with their end of life concerns. Many of the patient’s concerns centered on guilt they felt in their intimate lives with their significant other. This letter I received last week was a reminder to me of the importance people feel in regard to guilt, their religious upbringing and their sexuality. For the most part, many of us grew up in homes where sex was thought to be sinful, and our parents may have told us terrible things about hell and sin when the topic of sex came up. Here is the letter I received.

Dear Mary Jo, I have struggled with this issue in my past and it continues to be a problem in my present relationships. Because of my strong religious upbringing (Catholic), I am dealing with an overwhelming amount of guilt when it comes to sex. It was a factor in my failed relationship with my ex (although it is not an excuse for his decision to cheat). What sort of advice would you give me or anyone like me who has a belief system that sex is sinful? How do we go about getting over this belief so we can experience healthy relationships? Thank you, Jill

Dear Jill, This is not an easy question to answer as it involves morals, religious upbringing and our beliefs in what happens when we sin. You don’t explain, and I don’t know if your feelings of guilt involve sex with a boyfriend or if they expand into feeling guilty about having sex with a husband. Guilt about having sex may generalize into marriage, and I counsel married couples who feel intense guilt when they enjoy sex with their spouse due to their religious upbringing.

Although we are raised to believe certain rules and moral codes as children, when we become an adult it is important that we rethink our childhood teachings. What were our parents trying to teach us, what were they trying to protect us from, and what does our own belief system and worship of God teach us? Blaming our parents or our religion for our feelings is not taking full responsibility for our own growth and re-evaluation. Most people grow up, and evaluate what their parents did right and what they did wrong. After this evaluation, they decide what they will do differently in their lives, and the way they parent their children.  What happens with guilt is oftentimes different. No matter how we change our thinking, we may continue to suffer guilt when we engage in something that we grew up thinking was verboten. Sexual guilt is one of those areas that affect many couples’ lives. As with most issues in a relationship it will be easier if you address and talk about it with your committed partner.

There are things you can begin doing now that may help you understand why you feel guilty in your intimacy/sex life, and how you can use those feelings to actually deepen your relationship with your partner.

1. Guilt is not the worst thing in the world. In fact, a healthy amount of guilt is part of being a compassionate person. Begin by talking to your partner about how you were raised, and what part of the messages you remember actually helped you choose your partner. Your partner will be more understanding if they can understand and value the good parts of your guilt feelings.
2. Get honest about your guilt and what it is protecting you from. Are you afraid of being intimate and using the guilt as an excuse for not exploring all parts of the relationship?
3. Understand that God is not part of your guilt. It’s the interpretation of God’s message that can have a strong effect on the meaning. I once heard a theologian say if Christ were here, he would be saddened by how all of the people who say they are Christians behave.
4. If you have a strong belief that sex is bad even while in a committed relationship, it would behoove you and your partner to talk to a Reverend, Rabi, Priest or counselor of your choice to better understand the interpretation you are clinging too. Frequently, people who suffer from sexual guilt also suffer from childhood emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse. Talking to a religious leader and a counselor about this can help support your ability to heal.
5. Any physician can tell you that healthy sexual relations between loving couples is heart healthy as well as emotionally healthy.  For some of us that means you must be married, and for others that means you must be committed and monogamous. Everyone has different viewpoints with this issue, but what is important is both you and your partner understand one another and resolve to work toward helping one another feel comfortable expressing themselves intimately.

Experiencing guilt in your intimate relationship does not destroy the relationship. Not communicating the guilt and feeling too embarrassed about your feelings, and avoiding your partner may. Guilt thrives on feelings that are locked inside, and intimacy thrives on sharing and expressing feelings. If you want an intimate relationship, begin by sharing the feelings of guilt.

I'm truly excited to share with you my first in a series of podcasts called, "Sex & Intimacy with Mary Jo."

Episode 1 is Keeping It Hot with Small Kids at Home, which deals mostly with couples' communication and sex when they have small children underfoot.  

Released: Oct 24, 2012

Please check back often as I will be adding the podcasts to my blog each time a new one is released.

To access all of the broadcasts in iTunes click here.

If you don't have iTunes, it's no problem, click here.

I recently did an interview for a local radio station about the possibility of swinging helping your marriage. It’s difficult to secure studies about swinging while in marriage because the studies are done with active swingers. Due to swinging having a high failure rate within marriage, there are approximately three fourths of them who drop within a year. Experts have projected that as many as 15 million Americans swing on a regular basis. There are various websites you can connect with if you want to swing, and they are happy to help you get started. The founders of the websites will talk about the healing effects swinging can have on your marriage, but that is not what I have seen in my practice. In fact, although swinging couples talk about honesty being a crucial factor, if you are going to swing, they fail to understand that honesty changes as one experiences novel events. What one of the partners may have believed prior to engaging in swinging may change quickly once the swinging begins.

Infidelity is a major concern for almost every couple with whom I work. Facebook as well as texting and other forms of communication have invaded marital boundaries that once were sacred. Swingers will be quick to say that swinging is not cheating. Both partners are together in the process of deciding who to swing with, and they remain a marital couple throughout the swinging. However, an intimate sexual encounter with your spouse is not entertainment. It is an expression of love and commitment. Recreational sex, which is more associated with swinging, may conflict with the intimate sex in which married couples usually engage.  Many times, it is the man who presents the idea of the swinging and the woman goes along with the idea. Things change though, and the emotional side of swinging (and there is, no matter what the websites report) may begin to make the couples feel differently about one another. Jealousy and resentment build, and those two emotions can damage couples’ feelings for one another. What may have begun as a way to spice up a lackluster marriage, can destroy it within months.

Marriage is tough in the best of circumstances. Keeping it alive and connected requires work from both partners. I cannot imagine seeking stimulation from other couples to help me reconnect with my spouse. I have always been a strong proponent of going to the source of any issue. If sex is dull, then I believe going to see a physician together, a sex counselor, a tantric loving course, intimacy/sex products, or taking a marital retreat together would be much wiser choices for adding spice to your marriage. However, if you are still considering swapping partners or swinging, there are several things you should know prior to engaging in such a lifestyle.

1. It is wise to remember that STDs happen when there are a variety of partners. Therefore, evaluating your own sexual health and those with whom you swing, with appropriate laboratory tests, is advisable. Condoms or other protections should be considered. Under no circumstances should you ever rely on trust with other swingers to keep you healthy. It’s your body and your responsibility to keep it STD-free.
2. Honesty is an important factor with all marriages and becomes even more important with swingers. Asking your partner why they want to swing, or what their reservations are prior to engaging in swinging must be discussed. It is also wise to have a plan in the event both partners aren’t happy after the experience. If you are honest about wanting to stay married, then protecting your marriage should always be a top priority.
3. Remember, jealousy and resentment are two of the main reasons swinging fails. Sometimes your partner may not realize they can have these emotions. It is advised that you talk about this prior to swinging as well.
4. The majority of the couples who come to see me prior to engaging in swinging don’t follow through with the swinging. I have suspicions why this happens, and since I am an advocate for the sacredness of marriage, they understand my bias up front. I believe many people who think about swinging are bored in their marriage or with themselves, and they are shopping for options. Engaging in swinging is one of those things that once you do it, you cannot go back. Even if you quit, you will have the memory of one another in the act of swinging. Just as infidelity wounds the partner who visualizes it after the event, swinging and seeing your partner engaged in sex with another can turn into a hurtful, disgusting memory if you suffer resentment or jealousy after the event.

Genetically, men and women can love many people and have many partners. This is one reason I caution couples prior to marriage. If you want a great monogamous marriage, you have to work on keeping it close and intimate. Learning new ways to do this can be fun and exciting for the couple. It must be a priority that you always put the marriage first though. Once you violate the sacredness of marriage, there is little recourse. Swinging is an option. However, there are many options that can spice up your marital intimacy/sex life without violating monogamy. The challenge of monogamy for both men and women is one of the reasons I most believe in marriage. I believe it makes couples stronger when they work together for a common goal of a healthy marriage. 

When you watch TV, your favorite show on your iPad or look through a magazine, one thing appears very clear. Others are having great sex. If you are feeling as though yours doesn’t compare, you may begin wondering what is wrong with your sex life. This would be an error in your thinking, because TV sex, magazine sex, and other media forms of sex are rarely true. They are airbrushed and taken in short, carefully scripted clips. There is no passion on the set, and the actors don’t have bad breath, stinky socks, or bad timing. Real life includes all of these scenarios and more, leading to bad sex.

The longer you are married to the same person the more chances you will have to experience bad sex at some time. Whether you drank too much, didn’t brush your teeth, forgot deodorant that evening, or were in too big of a rush, your partner will be your final critic, and most likely they will label the event as “Bad Sex.” We all give bad sex to our partner at some time within our marriage. If our mind is on other things, or we are taking our partner for granted, or we want the stress relief with as little effort as possible, we are the makers of bad sex.

Bad sex isn’t contagious. You cannot catch it from your partner nor can he catch it from you. However, if bad sex continues day after day, week after week, the marriage is sure to become infected. You will know when that has happened because one of the partners is totally turned off and no longer wants sex with their partner. They may continue to read romance novels, playboy or playgirl magazines, but when it comes to having sex with you, they seem to be continuously busy. If you don’t intervene as soon as you begin being aware of this, your marriage may not survive.

Talking about sex isn’t easy, and it is never wise to talk about sex when you are angry for not getting any sex. Talking about sex should be done when both people are relaxed and enjoying their time together. Asking your partner why they don’t want sex will make them defensive. However, if you ask them what you can do in order to help them want sex more with you, this may open them up to begin talking. You may find out it isn’t you, but something you are doing or not doing that is shutting them down. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation can also cause couples to turn away from sex. Hormone imbalances may affect the mind as well as the physical body. A trip to see the Urologist, Gynecologist or Primary Physician may be all that’s necessary to minimize a problem a couple has suffered for years. The biggest problem with bad sex is getting over the embarrassment of talking about it with your partner and a health care professional. Below are suggestions of how to begin the intervention of communicating with your partner about bad sex before it infects your marriage.

1. Understanding that a healthy sex life is as much a predictor of your overall health as a healthy heart is the first step.  Both women and men must own their sexuality. If you feel that you don’t really care or deserve to have a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse, that feeling alone can infect your marriage and ruin your sex life.
2. Guys have to approach sex as a way of expressing their love. Men frequently say that semantics isn’t as important to them as it is to women. This may be true. However, if you are married to a woman, you better be able to express your sexual self with words of endearment that can help turn her on.
3. A big question men ask that only a woman can answer is: “If you like the orgasm and we have fun with sex, why don’t you want to have sex more often?”  The answer is: The orgasm was good, great perhaps; however, women need more to push them over the edge and make them want a man again and again. This push happens the minute her man gets up in the morning: what he says and does, and it lasts until bedtime. This has nothing to do with what’s fair; it has to do with the truth.
4. Ladies need to know their body and what feels good. No man can discern this no matter how many women he has had unless you guide him. Every woman is wired differently and it has much to do with the mind and spine, such as where the nerves connect. Women who don’t touch their bodies or don’t know what feels good to them, miss out when it comes to good sex. If you fake an orgasm, you are going to have to fake it the rest of your life, because he is going to touch you in the SAME place each time you have sex.
5. Married sex can get boring and monotonous. As a couple you need to have better hygiene than you would if it were a one night stand, and you need to spice it up more than you would if you were simply dating. This is your life partner…treat them with the best of you.

Sex can infect a marriage, but only lack of intimacy can kill it. Bad sex happens, sometimes during prolonged illness, arguments, and other challenges we all face in our marriage. If you can touch, talk, and listen, there is nothing you cannot work through with the right support (except abuse). Bad sex happens, but it doesn’t happen forever unless you stop the intimacy. Changing a bad sex partner for a good sex partner is an option many people choose in real life, but being a therapist has usually proven to me that you cannot wipe out bad sex by changing partners. After all, if you are in a sexual relationship with a woman, you need to know how to use your words for good sex.

One of the main reasons we don't take care of our intimacy needs is due to feeling embarrassed. MiddlesexMD offers professional guidance and products, as well as intimacy support, for women, men and couples. Your ability to feel intimate and sexual with your partner is an essential part of self-care. Click here to learn more.

Kinsey Institute last reported that 13% of married couples reported having sex a few times a year. 45% reported having sex a few times per month, 34%reported sex 2-3 times per week, and 7% reported having sex 4 or more times per week. These numbers are being more and more affected by the dual income, no sex population, which continues to grow. The majority of the couples I see come in with sexual/intimacy issues and they should, that’s the kind of therapy I specialize in. However, the problems they are concerned about are no longer the ones involving the mechanics of sex; the problems are due to the timing of sex. Couples are frustrated, tired, overwhelmed, and although sex is a great cure for coping with stress, it only works if both partners have the energy to engage in sex. For many couples, this leaves one or both partners avoiding sex, because they are too tired or disengaged with their partner.

The majority of couples I work with have a scenario where the man is frustrated because he wants sex so he can feel intimate with his partner. His partner wants to feel intimate so she can desire sex.  This scenario is played out with anger, resentment, and stress, and often times the couple growing so distant that the only way they can enjoy sex is to leave on a vacation. This in itself may not be a bad choice if you can get away frequently. However, for most of us who get a vacation once a year, and then take the kids with us, that is not enough sex to keep our relationship, our minds, or bodies healthy.

With couple’s sex, there really is no normal number of times to have sex. The important objective is both partners should be satisfied with the number of times they engage in sex within their relationship. Partners who don’t have enough focus on it, and it can become the elephant in the room that both partners feel, but neither knows how to talk about it without irritating the other partner. The majority of the time, the more sex you have in your marriage, the happier the couple reports being. Also, having an active sex life is healthier for your body and mind, and there is usually a deeper soulful felt connection reported. Understanding this, it is strongly encouraged to prioritize intimacy and sex within your relationship. If it isn’t working for you and your partner these suggestions may help.  

1. Begin with a visit to an Urologist who specializes in sexual issues. Both partners should go, as many times the worst thing about going to the doctor to talk about your sex life is the embarrassment. If you have your partner with you, it will help cut through the denial or things you feel too awkward to say aloud (a complete history is an important part of getting to the bottom of the real issue, if you cannot say the history, write it down, and hand it to your care taker).
2. Guys, remember that women have to escape to feel sexy. Women are not socialized to be outwardly sexy (although the times are a changing) and they get too involved with our domestic duties to consider their own sexual desires and needs. You don’t have to change cities, but you do need to create a new environment. This can be done without spending money if you help her escape by changing rooms, duties, lighting, your clothes (keep them on from the waist on until she wants you), music, your scent, and your words.
3. Ladies, your man needs you to initiate once in awhile. Guys need to be wanted and they need to know they please you. If you don’t know what pleases you, quit being passive and find out. It is only half of his fault if he cannot please you; the other half belongs to you. Just as he can create a new environment to help you escape, you can motivate him (with your actions and words) to help him understand how important this is.
4. Compromise, sexual intercourse is only part of intimacy and sex. There are so many other things you can do. If she wants sex every night, and he is too tired, a massage or a bath together with bubbles and soft music and lighting before bed can be just as erotic and achieve that feeling of connection. I have a list of ideas on my website of things you can do to make you feel connected besides having intercourse.

Approximately one quarter of all men, and one in eight women report some form of sexual dysfunction in their lives. In dual income couples, the largest problem is finding the time, and therefore this statistic will most likely increase. If you don’t make time for sex and intimacy, or if you don’t prioritize your sex life, it will be replaced by other things that need to be done. Those other things may be important, but the intimacy and sexual connection within a relationship is the number two reason for marital discord. Number one is communication. Usually in a failing relationship the communication becomes talk about why we aren’t having sex.

One of the main reasons we don't take care of our intimacy needs is due to feeling embarrassed. MiddlesexMD offers professional guidance and products, as well as intimacy support, for women, men and couples. Your ability to feel intimate and sexual with your partner is an essential part of self-care. Click here to learn more.

Not everyone who is over thirty-five and single wants to marry. If you are that age, and single it may seem that you have missed something that everyone else “got” because strangers ask all the time, “Why aren’t you married?” Most single people I know hate this question (especially the women) because they feel a tinge of guilt as to why they aren’t. They may grow defensive, say nothing, or walk away muttering bad comments about the person asking the question, but the thing those of us who are married don’t get is why they would feel responsible enough to care. They feel responsible because many of these people have a list of what they will not settle for. Whether it’s an internal promise to themselves or a bad experience from their past, this list is very powerful. When they hear the question, “Why aren’t you married,” they reflect on the list and question it once again.

There are things you should not compromise on with selecting a future husband or wife, but it is also important to remember you cannot have it all. Just as you may imagine the perfect child while pregnant, when meeting your newborn for the first time, they probably didn’t look like the image you held in your mind. Your love, nurturance and understanding worked together to create them into the perfect baby for you. Marriage in its truest form should do the same. You should look for someone you can work with, understand and grow together. The older people become, the more they begin picking apart at a possible partner. Many unmarried’s (wanting to marry) have been single for a long while, they may have accumulated material wealth, and with age comes a certain degree of caution (for most emotionally healthy adults). They should be picky about sharing that with someone who potentially could hurt them.

The three areas you should be most picky about are the three areas that destroy most marriages. For some reason these areas are not the ones men or women are most picky about. This is why many times people will say, “I think you are just too picky.” They see the things you are choosy about and they inherently understand these are “fluff.” For example, how the person looks or how they dress may be important initially, but the quickest things that change over time is how your partner looks or dresses. Below are the three most important issues not to settle on.

1. Communication. The number one quality you must have in a partner is the ability to communicate. You must be able to tell them when you are happy, sad, frightened, and angry. Not only is it important to be able to say what you feel, but it is important to feel their support and concern when they hear what you say. If you feel belittled, teased, made fun of, or dismissed, then dismiss this partner prior to settling.
2. Sex. Sex is the glue to a relationship, and as important as having sex, the way you express your intimacy is extremely important. If your partner cannot make love to you in a way that you feel loved, it will only get worse in a marriage. Couples who are happier have more sex, and more sex creates more happiness. Do not settle in this area. If you cannot talk to your partner about sex without a heated argument, then let this person go prior to marriage.
3. Money. In every study I have read, sex and communication trumps money in regards to marital satisfaction. You don’t need to be a counselor very long before you understand that wealth cannot buy love.  I have worked with more than my share of people who have millions, but are miserable in their relationship. It is important however for couples to have enough money to live a lifestyle they agree on. Money issues cause divorce because couples may not have explored what money symbolized for one another. If you want a partner who is ambitious, but the person you are dating lives by the day with no thought of working or saving, you are not a match made in heaven. If you are dating someone who lives with their parents at the age of thirty, there is a good chance this person would live off of you as well. Saying I didn’t marry someone due to money issues can sound harsh or shallow, but statistics would back you up with proof that you had made a wise choice.

People are getting married later and later, and finding it more difficult to find a suitable partner when they are ready. Some of the difficulty can be circumvented if you will individually get clear about where you stand on these three issues mentioned. It may be easier to project the blame on someone else, or continue saying, “I won’t settle.” What usually happens is you will settle, and if you settle in one of these areas, you most likely will live to regret that you settled.

One of the main reasons we don't take care of our intimacy needs is due to feeling embarrassed. MiddlesexMD offers professional guidance and products, as well as intimacy support, for women, men and couples. Your ability to feel intimate and sexual with your partner is an essential part of self-care. Click here to learn more.