Last week I went to a healthy happy hour with a couple of my closest friends. We began visiting about life, relationships and our work. One of the women was talking about her elderly mom who lives on the east coast. This dilemma of having an elderly parent far away and worrying about them is a common issue right now amongst many. My friend’s mom is there all alone, and my friend and her family and support people are here. Of course mom doesn’t want to move, but is too elderly to live alone. My friend offered several options for her mom. She could find an elderly gated community that offered medical necessity care and social activities, move to an assisted living home, have someone come into her home to help with caring for her, or move in with her daughter down here.

I have never met my friend’s mom, but I believe I would like her. For an eighty-eight year old woman she is sharp as a tack. She very rationally told my friend why she did not want any of the options offered. They were well thought out answers and made a lot of sense. When I am eighty-eight, I hope I can reason as well. Her reason for not wanting to come and live with her daughter was my personal favorite. She told my friend, “I love your husband too much, and if I move in, you will never have sex with him again.” My friend turned red; the thought of her eighty eight year old mother saying such a thing embarrassed her. My friend also admitted that part of the embarrassment had been that her mother is able to look through her, and knew the truth about her. My friend would not have sex again if mom moved in. In fact, my friend isn’t alone. Most women cannot have sex if parents are in the vicinity. This goes back to the fact that women don’t have sex when they are stressed. By contrast, men need sex when they are stressed, because sex helps relieve their stress.

When parents move back in with their kids as they become older, it places stress on the child and spouse. This happens even if the child wants to care for mom and/or dad. There are all kinds of reasons why this happens. Mom and dad are more fragile in old age, and the child is forced to worry about them, but there is still the conflict that mom and dad are still the authority. It’s difficult to take that away, to take over managing their life. Many of my baby boomer couples haven’t had sex in months due to the stress of having to take away a parent’s car keys due to their limited eyesight and immobility. When a daughter’s elderly parents are underfoot in their home, they no longer are their husband’s lover, they are a care taker. The thought of making noise while having an orgasm where mom or dad may hear is something most female boomers will blush about, even if the TV is so loud your neighbors can hear it. Women need an atmosphere conducive for enjoying sex, and home isn’t it anymore once the parents move in.

My upbringing taught me it is an honor to have one’s parents live with you when they grow older and feebler. I am a relationship therapist and an advocate for marriage, so I also believe the couple’s marriage must take priority. If you have the privilege to care for your older parents and you don’t want to harm your marriage (sex is the glue of a healthy marriage), there are things you can do that will help. Here are a few that I advise, but your parent’s health care facility social worker may be able to offer many more.

1. If at all possible, give mom and dad as much independence as possible. An apartment in the backyard or a small room away from the rest of the family will help maintain your privacy as well as theirs.
2. Scheduling sex means sex will happen, and so schedule it during your parent’s favorite program, radio show, or nap.
3. Contact senior services in your area. Many times they will have a shuttle bus that comes around and picks up seniors and takes them to activities especially relevant to their social needs.
4. Talk to your spouse about getting away more often. There are many people who sit with elderly clients so caretakers can get out of the house. There has never been a more necessary time to get away with your spouse. Caring for elderly parents can be exhausting and emotionally painful.
5. Keep it simple. As people grow older, their world becomes narrower. This is not a bad thing. The older we get, the more we pay attention to the birds, squirrels, and nature. Telling mom and dad that you and your spouse are going to spend the evening alone in the bedroom is wise. They will get the hint, and you have communicated like the adult they always hoped you’d grow up to become.

I frequently get requests for marital therapy where the woman will say, “My husband has become an animal.” I inquire asking her, “Has anything changed in the marriage?” Frequently she will say, “Not really, my parents moved in, but they are in an apartment in the back of the house, so it really doesn’t affect us.” I will then ask, “Are you as active sexually as you use to be?” Her response may bring a faint smile to your face, she says, “No, I’m stressed out, my mom is here all the time.” Take care of your marriage, and prioritize your time together. Part of your mom and dad’s happiness stems from them knowing they raised a child who is happily married.

*Single people caring for a parent may find the load of caring for their elderly parent overwhelming. Remember, you need to take time for yourself more frequently than if you were married, because there is no one to share the load.

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Couples reach out at all times in their marriage for marital counseling. Perhaps the worst time is when there is an impending divorce date on the calendar. Beginning marital therapy with an impending divorce date is the epitome of procrastination and many times won’t be successful. If you have an impending date, you have already told your partner with actions that you do not believe the marriage can be salvaged. It’s analogous to a dieter who joins weight watchers for the first time but also stops on the way to the meeting for a bag of chips. You have sabotaged yourself before you get started.

A divorce or separation doesn’t just happen; it takes years. In fact, the mean is seven years plus or minus two to create a divorce. Conflict resolution is always more effective when you deal with it right away. Many couples let things go, thinking they will resolve themselves, and sometimes they do. However, if the same problem keeps occurring, it is a good time to intervene. Faulty patterns established in order to resolve a situation make their way into the marriage without intervention. These faulty patterns bring a temporary solution, but they are usually not healthy or well thought out. Alcohol, drugs, eating, withdrawing, yelling, shopping and emotional affairs could be considered temporary solutions. It is the temporary solution rather than the marriage that is problematic. The temporary solution is also why the divorce is impending.

Couples may say the reason they don’t get help with their marriage is because their partner won’t go to therapy. The newest research is supporting that if one partner goes to marital therapy, the marriage will improve. The research is more positive if the woman goes by herself, and this may be for several reasons including that the majority of divorces are initiated by the woman. During therapy, the couple learns that it is not their partner who needs to change but themselves. Changing your reaction changes everything.

If you find yourself with an impending divorce date, and you both aren’t sure if you really want to go through with it, you do have options. Below are 5 suggestions you should consider prior to calling a therapist for help.

1. Talk to your spouse and tell them directly you do not want a divorce. Ask them if they are willing to work on the marriage. Be clear, don’t hint.
2. Postpone the court date that you have scheduled for your divorce.
3. Each of you should write down three weaknesses about yourself that makes it difficult for your partner to love you.
4. Each of you should write down five reasons you believe the marriage can make it.
5. Whichever one of you initiated the divorce should consider beginning therapy on your own first and then finding a couples counselor. This does not have to be the same counselor, and often is not since the couples counselor must be fair at all times and not show favoritism. If you have a relationship with a therapist, it may be difficult for the therapist to be objective with the two of you.

If you go to couples counseling with temporary solutions before the marriage becomes destructive, it is highly likely you will be successful at enhancing your marital communication. The worst time to begin therapy is with an impending divorce date; however, personally, I would rather have a couple seek help at any time rather than walk away from their marriage.

*These suggestions are not meant for abusive marriages. In the case of abuse, leave the marriage; protect yourself and your children.

In almost every old movie when the couples are in love and committing to one another there will appear a door, and the man carries the woman over the threshold. Whether that happens with a newly married couple moving into their first home, or whether it happens on a date when the guy carries the woman into the bedroom…. it happens. Today there is a new threshold, where the woman is being carried over the boyfriend/husband’s parents’ threshold, or her parents’ threshold. The bottom line is they aren’t moving into their own place.

This goes on in many other countries. In fact, in Italy men frequently live at home until they are forty. The mothers in Italy have a lot of power and control, and it is understood. In the US it is not traditional. In fact, young people want to leave home as soon as possible, but the economy is forcing many of those who left to return, and it is awkward when a grown son or daughter moves back in with mom and dad. Many times, they don’t come home alone; they have a “friend” or spouse. Having teenagers living with parents is wild enough, but having grown children with their spouses, friends or children living with parents can be chaotic.

It’s not only chaotic for the in-laws, but it’s chaotic for the in-law child too. They didn’t grow up with the parents’ family. They didn’t see the type of parenting style used to raise their new husband or wife, nor do they understand expectations and family boundaries. These issues and many more can make the stay in the family home a stressful, tumultuous time.  As with all things, the better planning and communication about what is going to happen, the better. This is not a good surprise for anyone, so communication about feelings prior to moving in will make the threshold more welcoming. Below are a few more suggestions that will help.

1. Have a clear idea in mind how long you are going to live with your parents. Knowing a time limit will help people choose their battles more wisely. For example, if you cannot stand the way your dad or father-in-law spits tobacco while watching CNN, if you know you only have to tolerate it for six months, it may allow you to step back and find an option rather than saying, “Gross, can you stop that,” and storming off to your room or criticizing your partner.
2. Talk to your partner about boundaries. All couples need privacy, and if you know that you will have a place in the home that is off limits to everyone else, it can be a refuge when you need space.
3. Don’t just ask; observe and help whenever you can. When you live with someone else’s parents as a couple, you are usually trying to save money for a place of your own. Your way of giving back is to help. Cooking meals, folding laundry, running errands, and numerous other tasks keep a family going and they are all time consuming for one person. The more hands the better.
4. Remember, your in-laws were a couple long before you came into the picture. They have an unspoken language you may not understand, but your partner will. As much as possible, stay out of family feuds and arguments unless they directly involve you.
5. Date nights for you and your partner are so important, and they become even more important if you are living with in-laws. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but you do need to get out of the house together and enjoy one another as a couple. If you have children, you will want to make babysitting arrangements so mom and dad don’t feel like you are taking advantage of them (this is the number one problem I hear about when kids move back home, so talking about it before it happens is advised).

Having parents and in-laws who are willing and supportive in offering you a place to live so you can save money or get on your feet is a gift. The best way you can gift back to them, is to try your best to be the kind of person that leaves them missing you, rather than distancing themselves from you. This is achieved through communication, gratefulness, and respect of boundaries. It can be a time remembered fondly in your relationship or a memory you want to forget.

Emotional abuse is as dangerous as physical abuse, and another reason for divorce. It is more difficult to prove, more difficult to talk with the kids as a reason for leaving, but no less destructive in the havoc it causes in the family. Emotional abuse is also much easier to deny and rationalize which is why many people stay in the relationship too long. The longer you are exposed to emotional abuse, the more harmful it becomes, and the deeper it affects your confidence as well as your self-esteem.

The worst part of emotional abuse is you cannot see it. It doesn’t leave physical bruises, cuts or visits to the emergency room, but it is still just as real as physical abuse. It may present with a partner being rejecting, demanding, criticizing, and refusing to listen, blaming, threatening, verbal insults, sarcasm, emotional outbursts as well as temper tantrums. The abuser usually has control over it long enough that they won’t abuse their partner in public; they don’t want to be diminished in their social standing. Behind closed doors though, they may turn into a completely different person, often times resembling a monster of sorts.

The victim can usually be noticed because they have so many symptoms of guilt, shame, depression, isolation from friends or family, nervousness, and may also resort to self-blaming frequently. If you see these behaviors in a family member or good friend, it may be helpful if you talk to them about what you are observing. Many times, emotionally abused people continue the cycle because they don’t trust others, and they feel so unworthy of having a friend who cares about them.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is an emotional abuser, you need to get out, not only for your own safety and sanity, but for your children’s. You cannot fix your partner. Your partner is fixable only if they are able to accept that they have a problem. Below are suggestions that will help you make the first move in getting help.

1. You need to confide in one other person what is going on. This person should be someone you trust and someone who is willing to let you come to them prior to or when the abuse is happening.
2. A counselor will help empower you, and can help you make a plan. To find a reputable counselor, talk to your primary care doctor. Most physicians have a list of therapists they work with, know of their work, and can help you.
3. Emotionally abusive people many times have no idea what they say in a fit of rage, so tape recording the abuse may be helpful for you, especially if you need legal help. I have also found that clients need to remember what their partner said to them so they can go through with making changes (denial and learned unworthiness keep the cycle going…you cannot deny hearing the words recorded).
4. Your safety is always a prime concern. Staying away from the emotional abuser and not going back into the situation is the best way to secure yours and your child’s safety.

Many of my clients have told me they would have preferred being hit to the emotional abuse, because if you were hit, everyone could see it. They have told me that the most difficult part of emotional abuse is telling yourself you don’t deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated with disdain or humiliated. When this treatment comes at the hands of someone who says they “love you,” it is, not only sick, it is emotionally devastating. You must get out; your staying will actually enable the abuser to get worse.  Sometimes the most poignant way to show love is to leave.

When I meet a dating couple, it doesn’t take long to see the attraction that brought them together. This same attraction that makes them delight in one another can turn them into mortal enemies when they are married and making decisions about finance, location and family as a married couple. A friend of mine went into the army, and remembers his mother telling him as he packed his bags to go, “You are my son, I support what you are doing with your life, but whatever you do, don’t get married to a girl over there.” My friend says to this day, his mother has not accepted his wife of twenty years, and her adjusting to the United States, her husband’s family, as well as his faith, has been anything but smooth waters. So what is it that makes us so attracted to one specific person, and how different is too different to marry?

William Ickes, PhD studies attraction and reports that for the most part people who live in close proximity to one another, and are considerate of one another, can also fall in love with each other. The key element seems to be a mutual chemistry or attraction to one another. Dr. Ickes also believes that people look for someone who will complement them, but still maintain their differences. Dating is rarely as light hearted as we make it out to be and when we are interested in someone, and want to be involved in a serious relationship with them, we find out rather quickly where they stand. There are, of course, numerous ways we can be alike as well as opposite from a potential partner, but five features seem to pose the most importance for long-term relationships.

1. Physical attractiveness: Most people look for attractiveness similar to their own. When you see someone who is not great looking with someone who is great looking, the person who isn’t great looking usually has a lot more of some other type of asset to offer the relationship.
2. Money: For men, money symbolizes success and masculinity. For women, it symbolizes security. Money matters are one of the top three things that can break a relationship. The more similar your potential partner’s values regarding money are, the better your chance for a long-term relationship/marriage.
3. Faith: Sharing the same faith can enrich a relationship and help form a bond enhancing the attraction.  Mixed faith marriages are tough, but not impossible. Although a mixed faith marriage may seem exciting at first, it will be a challenge unless you approach it as a way to better understand your partner.   
4. Children: If your potential partner is truly opposite from you, having and raising children will be a challenge. Individual’s values usually are similar in close, committed relationships, and if your opposite does not value the same things you do, trying to raise kids together will bring up issues in education, faith, in-laws, financial issues, and an endless list of other issues.
5. Communication is crucial to all relationships, and is best facilitated by education levels. For the most part, people who are educated usually attract others who are educated. Love stories and movies may depict one educated partner caring for and teaching the other, but for the most part this doesn’t happen, with the exception of our parent’s generation.

I have many friends who date and it is somewhat surprising how they will identify one of these five items as the reason why the relationship didn’t go any further. Many of them have dated for months, even years prior to deciding they just couldn’t tolerate this aspect of the person they reportedly loved on all other levels. Attraction is a funny thing. Working with couples, it is obvious that love really is blind or at least clouded for most of us. The single most important thing to be attracted to in a long-term relationship is the person’s values. Looks will fade (or will be enhanced in a scary way), money will be split 50/50, kids will grow up, and careers will continue to evolve. Values are deeper, and as long as you keep communicating about your relationship, and you both continue to put your relationship first, you will most likely continue being attracted to one another.

I’m in the divorce generation. I know so many people that have gotten divorced, remarried and divorced again. It’s interesting what people say when they talk about their divorce. They focus on the fighting, the betrayals, and the lonely nights. Rarely do they ever talk about the kids. If they do, they may mention, “Well, the kids are better off without the fighting.” I understand why they say this. If I were divorced, I would probably want to say the same thing, but I can’t. I can’t because it isn’t true. Kids would do anything to help their parents stay together in most cases. Abuse is an exception to all of these rules. If there is abuse, you have to get out, no questions asked. Just leave. Keep you and your kids safe.

One of the reasons parents say that the kids are better off is because they are given only two options, “Do you want mommy and daddy to live together and fight, or would you rather we live apart and not fight?” The child may say, “I want you to live together and not fight.” It is at this time, the child is much wiser than the parents. The child is presenting a third option that the parents are blind to in their rage or unhappiness. The child understands that there are more options than fighting and splitting or living together and being miserable. Parents will tell me at the point prior to divorce they have explored other options, but they just cannot work it out. I don’t believe that either. I think one or both parents have decided they love someone else, don’t want the fuss of a demanding partner anymore, or they have decided the therapist isn’t helpful and their marriage is over.

No matter where you are in your marriage, I do want you to know the truth about your children and divorce. It hurts them. It hurts a child more for parents to divorce than it does if one of the parents died.  There is a study that has been going on for eighty years by a gentleman at Stanford University named Lewis Terman. Terman began the study in 1921 and it continues. Psychology Today featured an article about divorce and kids from Terman’s study. The children in the study (some of them old adults now) died five years earlier on average than kids from intact families. The death of a parent did not show this result, nor were the kids as stressed with parental death as they were with parental divorce.

We have so many ways of talking to ourselves to make life more acceptable. Some days, denial is necessary for us to be able to get out of bed in the morning. Denial is a defense mechanism, and with divorce and its pain, denial helps numb us so we can carry on. Denial can also be harmful if it prevents us from making wise, often times difficult choices. If your marriage is going badly, and denial keeps it going badly, then you better wake up before it’s too late. Your kids are watching, they are stressed, and getting a divorce is not one of the options you should begin with.

There are reasons divorce is so stressful for kids. Here are a few.

1. Kids don’t have control over death or divorce, but with divorce they personalize it more and believe that if they had done better or more, their parents would still love each other. Death doesn’t take away daddy’s love for mom, or mom’s love for daddy, divorce does. No matter what you tell your child, they believe this.
2. Kids understand eventually that death is final. Divorce is never final. Parents can choose to love one another again or work things out. I have had forty year olds tell me they wish their parents could get back together.  
3. Kids feel unloved when mommy or daddy choose a new partner. A divorce tells your child that one of their parents loved someone else or a different life more than they loved them. Again, it doesn’t matter what you tell your child, on the contrary, actions are louder than words.
4. Kids get more attention and love if a parent dies than they do if it’s a divorce. In the case of a divorce, the child’s grief is confusing. The child may still see both parents, but one of the parents is no longer present in the child’s concept of their family. The child may end up feeling guilty, ashamed, and angry. Many times, kids will use these feelings to manipulate the new living arrangements after a divorce. This increases the guilt and anger for the child.

I wish there were some magical way I could prevent kids from going through a divorce, but unfortunately I cannot. We are all vulnerable to divorce, which is another reason we have to be attentive to our relationships. If you are having difficulty in your marriage, and you want to make changes before it becomes insurmountable, here are three ideas I think are a great place to begin.

1. Talk to your spouse about how you FEEL. Use I words, not you, never, always or should.
2. If you are religious, I would suggest you begin by talking to someone in your church who counsels parishioners. Many reverends have been trained in counseling, and they can help you spiritually step back, and rethink the situation.
3. Psychotherapy is so helpful, but it’s expensive. You may want to begin with a marital retreat. Some of the best retreats are listed on a website called www.smartmarriages.com. This can help you get started.

Kids who grow up in an unhealthy marriage have more stress, more illnesses due to the stress, and more emotional pain due to the stress. If you cannot make your marriage better for yourself, please work on a healthy marriage for your kids and their kids to come. All marriages require work and they are all imperfect at times, just like life. Marriage is a lifestyle, not a means to an end. It is a work in progress.

When I counsel couples and the guy feels trapped or against the wall, he will frequently say in his defense, “Hey, I’m just a simple guy. I don’t know what you want.” I would like to interject here, because it seems that when a guy says this in my office, his partner becomes suddenly irate. She will actually go into a long litany of things he “should have known.” I usually stay silent here, because this part of their story is very telling. They are telling me their expectations of one another, their sadness, disappointment, and how they are resolving the issues. I could ask for this written nicely on a sheet of paper, but it wouldn’t be as helpful to them or to me as their counselor.

When a guy uses this simple clause, he is using something that has been passed on from man to man, generation to generation. The truth is, guys aren’t simple. They have fewer words to use than women, but they are NOT simple. In fact, I believe men are more emotional and complicated than any women married to them could imagine. The simple clause is beneficial to them, because it helps them avoid dealing with emotional issues that they feel overwhelmed by. Part of the reasoning for this, could be that men are wired to react to stress quicker, and take longer for the reactions to return to normal. A woman can get upset; her heart rate, blood pressure and respiration will speed up, but she returns to a normal pace much quicker than her man. His not getting engaged or worked up about an issue may be a safety mechanism for his health.

Women who have difficulty with men who claim to be simple or not knowing, many times have difficulty saying what they want, what they mean, or expressing themselves in an assertive manner. If you feel embarrassed about saying what you need, or you act passive because you believe that’s what women do, then to a certain extent your man will be “clueless.” His admitting defeat at not knowing what you wanted is spot on. No one could possibly know what you want, unless you communicate it directly. The inability of couples to express themselves directly creates tension in the marriage, and those marriages usually don’t last.

If you live with a man who claims simplicity and not knowing what you want, it is a wonderful opportunity for you to begin setting aside each day to talk with him. These talks would not be focused on what you want, so much as they would be focused on the vision you have for your marriage. Men are problem solvers, and if there is a goal, a man will most likely achieve it with a straighter, more linear course than a woman (the woman will seek to understand the process more…usually). Assigning homework for the couple shows interesting results.  Eight times out of ten it is the man who will complete the assignment. The woman will have wonderful excuses why she couldn’t, and I will even believe some of those, but the message it is giving her husband and I is that the marriage is not a priority or the homework is not important (she usually does not directly say why she didn’t do the homework, so the guy who should have known why, doesn’t).  

If you believe you live with a simple man, it may be due to his total frustration at not knowing what to do, how to please you, and his feelings that he can no longer do anything without you criticizing him. I am going to offer these suggestions as a “can do” process for you to find the genius in your man.

1. Guys, telling your partner that “You are simple and didn’t know” won’t work for long and maybe not at all. A more fitting comeback when you feel trapped or accused may be, “I feel confused and upset, but I do love you (if you still do), and want to resolve this and move on.” She will not be able to discount this line, and it reflects honesty with a sense of taking responsibility for your own feelings.
2. Ladies, be direct. If you are hinting and making subtle remarks, don’t expect your partner or anyone else to understand what you want. Many women are afraid to be direct because they think men won’t like them as much. Do you want to be “liked” or respected? Many times women, who are respected, respect others and are consequentially liked.
3. We teach the people we live with how to treat us. If your partner is afraid of talking about how they really feel, there is a problem in the relationship. A healthy marriage or relationship is healthy because both people believe how they feel matters to the other person. If your partner isn’t opening up and telling you how they feel, or what they want, you may need to step back a bit, and make the environment safer for him or her to be vulnerable. No one likes to get attacked; no one opens up and shares in that sort of environment. If you want to know the heart of the man or woman you sleep with, you need to encourage their talking about their feelings even when they aren’t positive toward you. 

For you guys who say this phrase, “I’m a simple guy, and didn’t know,” I want you to know that when a woman who loves you hears this, she may “give up” inside and no longer try to make it better. She hears these words, “I’m a simple guy….and I don’t want to engage with you further.” At that point, she feels defeated in having the romantic or emotionally connected relationship she imagined she could have with you. If you want to create a great marriage or relationship, you have to quit making excuses for yourself. I talk with many guys each day….on one hand I can actually count the “simple ones” and most of the time they were not dumb (in this case, being dumb is being unwilling to grow, evolve, re-think a situation and change, not for your wife, but for your marriage).

I have never met anyone dating a nagger. For some reason, the nagging doesn’t exist in the dating world. Since nagging is generally a female quality, I sometimes wonder if this is part of the man’s reasoning for being reluctant to get married. Men most likely grew up watching their mom nag their dad or some other guy, and understood this was part of her marital right or obligation. Women who don’t think they nag are often the worst naggers. They do what I call, “secretly nag.” It’s a bit more clandestine and cute, but their man recognizes it and labels it as nagging.

Nagging has always had a negative, somewhat humorous affection until recently. Research has boosted nagging as a primary reason for relationship discord. That’s a big deal in my field of trying to promote healthy relationships to see something as simple as nagging be elevated to such a stance. We do, after all, all nag. Even we professionals, who tell our clients the perils of nagging, nag our husbands when we get home. In fact, we professionals may be the worst nags because we know how to sneak it in, wrapped in sweetness. I could write a book about “How to Nag,” but I think it is wiser to write about how not to nag and still feel like your partner is listening. This is, after all, why women nag. Women nag because they aren’t sure their man heard them the first time.

Women who nag have a nag enabler at home. This enabler has a keen sense of how to ignore the nagging. Watching the couple, you may surmise that the person being nagged enjoys it. He usually tunes it out, tells her angrily to stop nagging or withdraws. All of these excite the nagger, and actually produce more nagging. What would stop the nagger dead in their tracks (of course you would have to do this every time you were nagged which would require your time), is to take their hand or their face in your hands and say, “Honey, I heard you, and I will try to get that done as soon as I can.” The nagger would feel heard, loved and would let go of the request (naggers have long memories though, so you better make sure you follow through with the task). Since nagging is learned by watching your parents model it, it is difficult to extinguish it completely.

I do have some suggestions if you are a nagger or live with a nagger that may help decrease the nagging.

1. Don’t let nagging destroy your relationship. It doesn’t really require a counselor either if you are ready to talk about it with one another. Begin by being aware that it is happening and is a cycle.
2. Stay calm and try to look at the funny part of nagging. Getting angry and exploding about your partner nagging you or your partner not listening to you will only make the nagger more likely to nag.
3. Make a list of your requests that you would normally nag about, and put a priority number on them. If your partner is too busy to complete the really important ones, hiring someone to complete them is worth the strife it will cause on your marriage to continue nagging your partner (the first thing I look for when I move to a new house is a great “handyman”). I have been happily married a long time, need I say more?
4. Re-evaluate your nagging. Some nagging is done for the right reason. For example, if you are the partner responsible for paying the credit card bills each month, and you have a tendency to forget, your partner’s nagging may be necessary. I would suggest in that case that you have a better monitoring system, so you don’t force your wife into unnecessary nagging.

The main reason nagging doesn’t happen with dating is because the person or people you date are not invested in you. They don’t really care. Most women won’t nag a person they don’t care about. Whether they are nagging about your health, your lifestyle, your words, or whatever…the bottom line is they care about you. I would recommend as a nice gesture in curing your nagger’s nagging that you begin with re-instituting date nights. Make sure you are very attentive on those nights, as many times naggers feel neglected by the one they love the most. I hope this article didn’t nag you too much.

I am working toward a national TV show that teaches people what healthy marriages look like. My goal is to teach or have the show mentor how to build a strong marriage, the sorts of issues that arise and the healthiest way to resolve conflicts. Current television programs as well as magazine articles, movies and music don’t represent marriage very well. The area they do the worst job covering is married sex.  In many ways, even though most of the single people I know want to get married, the marriage rate has gone down (especially among the uneducated). Couples who believed that cohabitating would keep their sex hot have been disillusioned and disappointed when they found that what keeps sex hot is the security and commitment to one another. Moving in together without a commitment to one another may have made the sex better at first, but once the couple began leaning more on one another and having expectations of one another, the sex dwindled just as it does in a marriage that isn’t working.

No matter how perfect you are for one another or how great your marriage is, you will get bored with one another from time to time. It is fascinating to talk with a couple that has been married for twenty years and try to imagine what they still see in each other. How can anything be novel or exciting, and how do they beat the boredom? What you must remember is, no one is the same person each day, each month or each year. A healthy marriage helps each person grow and evolve. I think it’s fair to say that the healthier the marriage the more you can embrace and expect each person to grow and change. The way they communicate their love changes too. My husband says things and touches me now in a way that is much deeper than when we first married. When we call each other from another city, our way of communicating is different than it was when we first married. I get him, and he gets me. Couples who have been happily married for a long time understand the concept of feeling “freer” with marriage than they were being single. A healthy marriage supports both people’s ability to become the people they want to become. 

Great sex is highly correlated with understanding your partner. For women, the more secure and comfortable they are with their partner, the more unconventional and open to new things they will be. This affects their partner and is what makes their partner love sex with them. Men’s need for visual variety is much higher than women’s. Men may use this as an excuse for why they visit men’s clubs or invest in pornography, when in truth; this is a rote, “in the box thinking,” excuse. If couples talk about this need, they can both do things that will help provide variety and not lead to the potential problems that men’s clubs and watching pornography may cause. When a married couple is struggling with their sex life, the biggest obstacle is convincing the couple that they must keep talking about their sex life. One of the assignments I give each of my married couples who are unhappy with their marital sex life is to talk about their sex life for 10 minutes, four days a week. This proves excruciatingly painful for them, especially the women. Couples can go on “date night” and talk about their kids all night, but if one of them interjects, “Oh wait, we have to talk about our sex life now,” you would most likely hear silence at best, a groan at worst.

Some of women’s views about their sexuality are directly related to the way society affords more social accolades for being a good mom than they do for being a wonderful, intimate partner to their husbands (the media also projects husbands as being another child for the wife to look after). The fact that it is not valued by society contributes to women not valuing intimacy or sex as much as they do their children and their numerous other chores. Women don’t use sex as a stress reliever as men do, because it isn’t a stress reliever. It becomes a chore when a woman feels as if she has numerous jobs to do, and lists pleasing her husband as another one of those jobs. Many women don’t understand the importance of their sexual health and how important sex is to a healthy marriage. It isn’t uncommon for me to counsel a forty year old woman who has been married for years but has never had an orgasm and has no idea how to achieve one. For this woman sex is a stressor and a chore.   It takes understanding on both sides; the wife needs to understand that sex is a stress reliever for her husband, and her husband needs to understand that sex may be an additional stressor to his wife. If a husband can help alleviate some of her other tasks, and she can do little things such as touching and embracing him more, it may help alleviate some of his stress without adding to hers. Many women will tell me the reason they don’t hug or touch their husband more is because the husband’s mind goes directly to the goal of having sex, and she feels “too tired to get into all of that.”

If we are going to build healthier families, we must begin with building healthier marriages. If we are going to build healthier marriages, we must build healthier communication. If we are going to build healthier communication among married couples, we must be able to talk about our sexual feelings with our spouses. If you are going to talk about your feelings toward sex, you have to become aware of your sexual/sensual self as a person. Below are a few suggestions to help you get started.

1. The brain is the largest sex organ. You have to start here to feel good about sex. If you are angry or anxious about a partner, you have to deal with the brain first. Anger that is held in does not create good sex nor does it help you feel sexy.
2. Your attitude. Embrace yourself—you don’t need to be a perfect size. If you have curves and hips, embrace them. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of women. Most of us have flaws, cellulite, acne, wrinkles. These “flaws” will not distract from a beautiful smile or a warm embrace. Take a lesson from your man. Men are much better at embracing and not seeing their flaws than women are.
3. Fantasize. The more you think about sex, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it. Read romance novels, listen to music, and watch movies. I caution couples not to share their fantasies unless they involve one another.
4. Get to know your body. Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch? Do you get goose bumps when you touch a place on your neck or tummy? This knowledge is very important and helpful to the person loving you. Your partner cannot read your mind so let them know what feels good.
5. Foreplay. The name tells you what it is for. Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day. If sex relieves men’s stress, talking relieves women’s. Guys, make sure you call or text your lady during the day, as this will help alleviate her stress and she may be more receptive to helping you relieve yours at night. Note to remember: Women have less stress when they are emotionally connected. Guys have decreased stress when they are physically connected. (Guys, talking and listening to your lady decreases her stress. Sex happens when women are NOT stressed). These rules do not apply to dating, but usually someone isn’t being authentic.

It would be short sighted for couples to get married and talk about “till death do us part” if they didn’t consider what they were going to do to keep their sex life interesting. Yet, that is what happens to most couples who wed. Couples talk about their new place settings, TVs, and bedrooms sets, but are naïve about the issues that will have a huge impact on their ability to keep their marriage healthy. Married sex has the capacity to be the best sex, but only if the couple values its importance. In the end, it’s not the lifestyle of marriage that sets the snore factor. It’s the couple who sets it and snores.

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“Wanting things for the wrong reasons can turn anyone’s life into a marshmallow on a stick over a hot fire: impossibly messy and eventually consumed, one way or another.”-Deb Calet

Couple after couple comes in to my office each week working toward making their marriage or relationship the healthiest it can be. I join their team and we work toward goals that are established during the first session. I have learned that unless a couple has specific goals and a vision for the marriage, it flounders. Being married for the sake of being married is not worthwhile, and even the best marriage gets stale if you don’t continue to spice it up with new goals and visions for the future. One of the problems every couple encounters is “the right way.” The real problem with “the right way” is you had no part in establishing it. The right way was the way your parents raised you, their attitude and their philosophy. Whether you function more on your mother’s right way or your father’s right way doesn’t really matter in the end…it’s your attachment to the “right way” that can destroy your marriage.

I have listened to more “right ways” than I can tell you. I sometimes show a “time out” to my couples and say, “Enough…no more ‘right ways,’ please.They laugh, it breaks the tension and we go on taking apart the real issues. The complicated part of all of this is that your right way was once adored by your spouse. She or he may have humored themselves by talking about the “Sue way” or “Jim way.” For some reason this chuckling ceases, with anger and resentment filling the space. Couples begin criticizing one another for their controlling right way behavior. From here it is a snowball effect. Soon couples are using sex as a weapon to get their way, withdrawing to achieve space and focusing on what they no longer have in common. The end of the story is the marriage grows apart, the distance creates a void, and the couple either medicates with a new lover, a new drug, a new house, a baby, or a new look. Most therapists intercept the couple at the later stage making it difficult to save the marriage.

It is helpful for you as a couple if you begin now thinking about your attachments. We all know that harmony and peace are highly correlated with your ability to detach. For example, if you load the dishwasher and your partner comes after you and re-loads it without saying a word (and hopefully not in your presence), detaching from that is easy. However, if your partner comes to you, re-loads the dishwasher and gives you a “mini lecture on how to load the dishwasher” after you have loaded it and unloaded it for twenty years in the marriage, you may want to take note. Your partner is telling you something and it isn’t about the dishwasher. Your partner is telling you they are attached to a familiar way, and they are feeling like you aren’t giving them enough attention. They may feel resentful that they aren’t being heard, respected, and overall that you don’t care. What? “How did I get all of that from the dishwasher?” I got it, because every day I listen to couples, and every day I come home to a spouse and I have begun to pay attention to all of the little unsaid things that happen in a marriage. If you want a great marriage, it would behoove you to pay attention to the little things too, especially the “right way” conflicts. While you’re doing that, here are a few tips to detach from the “right way” so you can begin seeing the real stuff underneath.

1. Write down all of the “right way” tapes you learned as a child growing up. For example, in my family of origin the right way was to complete the task as soon and efficiently as possible. That made sense to my father’s life; he had nine kids to feed, a huge yard, and little education. That does not make sense for Mary Jo Rapini who is a psychotherapist, writer, lecturer, and media expert. I need to slow down. Of course…I married a man whose right way is complete, thought about, cautious, contemplated and slow…OIY.
2. When you see the right way expressed by your spouse, before you get angry or tense, look at them and slow the right way down. When they re-load the dishwasher, watch, touch their arm, and thank them. If you don’t have time for that response, give them a quick kiss and tell them thanks (reminding them that the right way is their way may work as a short fix, but won’t help with the underlying feeling your spouse is not expressing).
3. If your right way begins making you obnoxious at home and at work (your spouse will tell you you’re obnoxious, your colleagues may not), it’s time to take action. That means the right way you learned as a child is the wrong way for your life now. It means you have to become a pioneer and re-create your new and improved right way. May I suggest, “Letting go of a certain way to achieve the same goal?”
4. Begin saying this mantra aloud each morning and night, “Peace is more precious to me than doing it the right way (my way). You must be the one who changes, because if your spouse continues being told the right way, sooner or later they are going to be seething and resentful, or leave.

The right way is our way. We all want our way to be our spouse’s right way, but that only happens the first year of marriage and it’s not very healthy. Marriage is all about growth. It’s about learning, evolving, and being completely vulnerable to another. Being willing to leave a marriage because you didn’t get your way sounds immature and child like, but it happens all the time. Rather than fight about the right way, practice detaching, talking and understanding the feelings underneath. Marriage is a lot like yoga; you practice, and some days you detach and bend easier than others. Detaching and keeping it flexible allows your marriage to grow and expand in depth and love. The right way for a marriage must work for US, the wrong way works for ME.