Are Unrealistic Expectations Hurting Your Relationship?

If you ask your grandparents about their parents' marriages, you’ll likely hear about a different set of expectations. Marriage was traditionally about survival, connection, extended family, social status, and having a partner to help raise children. Today, even though the traditional ideas remain in the background, modern relationships come with a new set of expectations. Many people hope for marriage to bring happiness, wealth, and social ease, but marriage is not meant to fulfill all those desires. Instead, it’s a commitment between two people who share values, a vision, and, often, the goal of raising children together.

Your partner cannot—and should not—be expected to meet all your needs. A strong network of friends and family who support you emotionally, both individually and within your relationship, is essential for marital health. Without a life outside of your marriage, the relationship may suffer from the added stress of being your sole source of fulfillment.

In my work with couples, part of the first session is focused on identifying each partner's sense of self. When one partner becomes lost in the relationship, or if the relationship becomes their entire identity, it can stagnate and weaken the bond. This is such a common issue that I’ve identified five unrealistic expectations that often lead to conflict and frustration in marriage.

1. Not Allowing Your Partner Their Own Identity: Your partner should be able to maintain a sense of autonomy, even within the relationship. You are still two individuals, with your own ideas, goals, values, and opinions. Instead of assuming they feel the same way as you do, approach conflicts with curiosity. Brainstorm solutions together and be willing to compromise to support the relationship’s growth.

   
   

2. Your Partner Isn’t Your Missing Piece: You’re not searching for someone to complete you but rather a partner willing to grow and commit. When both people share similar goals and invest in both the emotional and practical responsibilities of a relationship, it flourishes and grows stronger.

   
   

3. Your Life Is Not Defined by Your Relationship: If your life narrows significantly when you start dating someone, that’s a warning sign. Spending time together is important, but spending all of your time together can harm the relationship. A healthy relationship allows space for each person to pursue individual interests and have “me time.” Encourage each other’s personal growth.

   
   

4. Don’t Expect Your Partner to Read Your Mind: No matter how long you’ve been together, it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to anticipate your needs without you expressing them. Clearly advocating for what you need and want is essential. If you feel fearful or uncomfortable speaking honestly, consider consulting a therapist to support healthy communication. Openly expressing your feelings is necessary for a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

   
   

5. Your Partner Isn’t Responsible for Your Happiness: Self-care, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and seeking personal fulfillment are your responsibility, not your partner’s. They may feel overwhelmed if they are expected to manage both their needs and yours. Engage actively in your life, taking actions that bring you physical and emotional health and add meaning and purpose. Serving each other is vital in marriage, but expecting one partner to prioritize the other's needs while disregarding their own will strain the relationship. Work together to support each other on both individual and shared paths.

   
   

During dating, couples should discuss expectations and work to realign them when necessary. Relationships may not work for everyone, but they should work for you, so be honest about your needs and encourage your partner to do the same. One of the greatest aspects of a healthy relationship is having a partner who understands and supports you while also trusting you to take care of yourself.