Deciding Between a Relationship Reset and a Breakup

When I work with couples in therapy, one of the issues they struggle with is deciding when a relationship is broken beyond repair. In our disposable society, it’s easy to believe that if your relationship requires constant work and effort, something is inherently wrong with it, and the best solution is to break up. This mindset is flawed because even the best relationships, those we admire, require daily nurturance and effort to stay connected and close. Relationships are alive, and if left without attention and frequent communication, they become dull and stagnant.

That said, it’s equally important to recognize when a relationship is not going well and a breakup is necessary. However, I encourage partners to try a relationship reset before giving up on their relationship. If a reset doesn’t work, then a breakup is a valid and important step to consider.

Here are some suggestions to help you unravel what’s going on so the two of you can negotiate the best approach for your relationship in a slump:

1. Talk About It: Tell your partner what you believe needs to change. To reset your relationship, you must be honest about what is going on. Instead of blaming each other, identify the problems and work together to fix them.

2. Know Yourself: Understand yourself well enough to communicate what you need to feel good in the relationship. When you know yourself, you don’t need to blame others for what you aren’t getting. Own your part of what isn’t happening in the relationship and plan with your partner to get more of what you need. For example, if you need more touch or verbal affirmations, clearly express to your partner that you appreciate it when they notice you more, touch you more, and give you more of their time. Providing specific examples helps your partner understand exactly what will make you feel better.

3. Take Time Apart: Spend some time away from each other to reflect on what you must change and work on to make the relationship work. After being completely honest with each other, agree to take a week apart to reassess if you can make the necessary changes within yourself and if you want the relationship enough to put in more effort. This week should not be a breakup but a period of deep reflection with limited communication to help you gain clarity about the relationship’s direction.

4. Focus on Maintaining Intimacy and Romance: If you decide to continue the relationship, focus on behaviors that maintain intimacy and romance. Knowing that you want the relationship to work, try new behaviors such as daily check-ins via text, taking time off work to enjoy coffee or a conversation during a walk over lunch. Staying in touch with each other throughout the day is key to maintaining the relationship.

5. Practice Grace: Understand that relationships are not a straight line; they have ups and downs. We make mistakes, get off track, and vacillate between moving forward and backward. Extend patience to each other and celebrate when things go well, allowing for mistakes. This can help grow your relationship stronger, more intimate, and vital.

Resetting your relationship involves changing your perspective on what’s happening and reevaluating unhealthy patterns that are damaging you and your relationship. Relationships change daily, and losing touch with subtle changes can lead to feeling more disconnected and unhappy. Being honest about your part and making personal changes to improve the relationship will help you communicate more healthily with your partner. No matter what you choose to do, you’ll be in a better position to understand why you want the relationship to work or why it’s time to move on.