How to End the Cycle of Walking on Eggshells

During times of stress or difficult transitions, most couples experience increased communication problems. You may not always get the response you expect, but overall, most couples move through these phases, supporting each other, forgiving, and making up once the stress subsides. This allows both partners to find space to discuss and clarify things that may have upset their partner or didn’t feel as loving as expected. However, in an unhealthy relationship, this calmer space doesn’t occur. Partners can’t communicate forgiveness or understanding. In such relationships, the tension persists, making couples feel uncomfortable and leading them to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting each other further.

If you feel like you are walking on eggshells or if your partner has told you that you’re too sensitive and overreact to everything, it may be helpful to consider if this is the problem. Here are several common examples of what it looks like when you feel the need to tiptoe around your partner:

• Your partner is constantly on guard around you, and your relationship feels awkward or superficial.

• Angry outbursts or overreacting to minor situations.

• Family and friends worry about the way the two of you argue.

• One partner begins yelling and says hurtful, insulting words to the other.

If you find yourself in this type of relationship, don’t wait to make changes. The more habitual these behaviors become, the more difficult they are to change. As a practicing therapist, this is what I recommend for you and your significant other:

1. Define where you are in your relationship. The first step is the most difficult. You have to be honest with your partner and yourself. Are you being unfair or abusive with your partner’s emotional needs? When your partner tells you what they need, do you react with harsh or defensive words? When did this change? Talking to a therapist to get clarity in this first stage will be the healthiest way to gain awareness and create a plan.

2. Decide if you want this relationship with this person or just a relationship. Allowing someone to be insensitive to your needs is essentially giving them permission to use you for their needs without being concerned about how you feel.

3. Be open to working with your partner. If your partner is open to therapy and wants to do whatever they can to change hurtful habits within themselves and work with you to create a healthy relationship, that’s a green flag for staying. However, if your feelings are gone, it’s best to let go.

4. Engage with family and friends for support. When you’re in a relationship that is on the edge and leaves you feeling bad about yourself, it’s important to surround yourself with those you love for guidance, emotional support, and validation. Isolating yourself with thoughts of shame and guilt will increase your anxiety and depression and not help you move forward.

Relationships are supposed to make you feel stronger and more united with your partner and yourself. If the relationship you’re in makes you feel worse about yourself and each other, it’s time to consider making a change, including letting it go if your partner is unwilling to change.