How to Respond to Your Partner's "Bids" for Connection

In relationships, especially in marriage, it’s the small, everyday actions that lead to significant changes over time. These daily routines, and how you respond to each other, build the foundation of your connection. In marriage education classes, we often learn that marriage is about choosing to love each other every day, but in the daily hustle of life, we tend to forget. We might not look up from our phones when our partner is talking, skip a kiss goodbye before heading out in the morning, or assume they’ll be home at night without a second thought. Sometimes, we even go to bed having barely exchanged a full sentence.

Marriage experts explain that our responses to our partner’s bids—or requests for attention—are essential to the quality and happiness of our relationship. What does a bid for attention look like? It can be as simple as your spouse asking how you slept, or as meaningful as asking for your thoughts on what to do about a sick pet. The key is that your partner is seeking engagement, and if you ignore or dismiss their bid, you’re indirectly signaling that they’re less important or that you have other priorities.

If you think you may be ignoring your partner’s bids for engagement, you’re not alone. Actively striving to engage is an area where any marriage can improve. It’s important to remind yourself that dismissing these small bids can lead to feelings of detachment and disconnection. Below are several ways to help couples engage with each other during these subtle, but meaningful, moments:

1. When your partner asks a question or makes a comment, look up from what you’re doing, make eye contact, and give them your presence. You can return to your task afterward, but start by giving them your full attention, even if just briefly.

2. If you’re busy with work or unable to engage at the moment, express your interest in the conversation and set a time to talk. Partners understand life is hectic, and they’re often fine waiting, but being ignored can feel dismissive. When you act genuinely interested, it reinforces a sense of teamwork, closeness, and connection.

3. Schedule time to talk, even about small, everyday things. It’s often these trivial moments that make us feel valued. Sharing these daily details builds open communication and trust, which is essential for discussing the bigger issues that may arise.

4. When you miss an opportunity to connect, apologize to your partner. If you’ve been working late or have been away for an extended period, acknowledge the impact it may have had on your partner. Ask how they feel about it and brainstorm ways to reconnect. Showing that you miss them too signals that they matter and that you’re just as committed to the relationship as they are.

   
   

Marriage is a lifelong journey of growing closer and investing in a shared future. By committing to the small, everyday moments, staying curious about each other’s thoughts and feelings, and responding to each other’s bids for attention, you build a stronger bond. Couples who report the highest satisfaction in marriage are those who prioritize being present when their partner reaches out—no matter how minor it may seem.