Is Jealousy Ruining Your Relationship?

Jealousy is a normal, everyday occurrence. It can be useful in protecting us from people and relationships that are not in our best interest, but it can also become unhealthy when we indulge and act in hurtful ways toward others. When insecurity in our relationship runs rampant, it can be a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble, causing us to feel paranoid, obsessed, and threatened. Instead of fearing or denying it, use your jealousy to help you understand yourself and your partner.

When someone experiences jealousy frequently, it’s likely they are holding on to feelings of inadequacy. After all, jealousy is rooted in feeling not good enough. If you are newly dating someone who is frequently jealous, getting to the root issues can help them gain self-awareness and undo the effects their undealt-with jealousy has had on their past relationships and with you. However, if someone is out of touch with their jealousy, you may not know the depth of their feelings until you are in a relationship with them. Individuals who struggle with unhealthy jealousy may express these behaviors toward you. Being able to label the behaviors is the first step in resolving the underlying fear.

• They expect you to spend all your time with them. You should never have to give up interests, groups, or hobbies due to a partner’s constant needs. A healthy relationship needs space, and what makes it thrive is when both individuals have their own lives and want to share them with their partner.

• They decide who you can and can’t talk to. A partner should never have demands about who you can or can’t be friends with, except if one of your friends is abusive. A partner who tries to control who you can and can’t see may be trying to isolate you from your friends and loved ones.

• They are always suspicious and want you to check in constantly. If your partner is suspicious whenever they aren’t with you, they are not okay with themselves. When insecurity intensifies to the point that they need constant check-ins, the relationship isn’t about the two of you joining a life together—they are using you to feel more secure in their own life. Constant check-ins may signify a serious anxiety disorder, and if you continue to reassure them with check-ins, you will be enabling their procrastination to get help.

• They are possessive. Movies may make possessiveness look romantic, but in reality, it’s scary. Being with someone 24/7 who demands total togetherness feels smothering and can lead to feeling trapped and disrespected.

• They monitor your conversations and are judgmental about your socializing. A healthy partner wants to share you with their friends and loved ones. They don’t try to exclude you from others or monitor what you say. If your partner checks your emails, phone, texts, etc., they are manipulating you, which leads to emotional abuse. If your partner makes critical remarks about what you say to whom, it’s time to confront the issue of their jealousy and possessiveness.
  

If you notice these signs in your partner, it’s important to decide if this is a relationship you want to work on or let go. It’s possible your partner wants to change but feels consumed by their jealousy. Minimizing jealousy is possible if you are open and honest about the effects it is having on you and your feelings toward your partner. This guideline can help:

• Establish boundaries with your partner. Tell them exactly how you expect to be treated and how you prefer them to get in touch with you.

• Communicate directly. Tell your partner their behavior is affecting your ability to trust them and get closer. Encourage them to express their insecurities with words rather than acting impulsively.

• Be patient but firm. Don’t expect them to change overnight but do give them loving reassurance when they show they are trying. Demonstrate this by offering extra affection when they trust you on your own for the night.

Relationships are constantly changing, and when couples work together to restore balance, it helps strengthen intimacy and connection. Instead of giving them an ultimatum or saying their insecurity is too much, try to work with them to restore trust and reassure them daily of what you appreciate most about them. Small, everyday changes are more effective in making behavior changes that last a lifetime.