Mid-life Marriage Check-in: How to Get Closer After 50

Midlife can be a challenging time for relationships. Physically, you may be dealing with new aches and pains, and your body constantly reminds you that you're getting older. This often leads to feeling less attractive, more overwhelmed by daily stressors, and sometimes even struggling with brain fog or memory lapses. Complicating matters further, there's no universal definition of when midlife begins, though healthcare professionals typically define it as occurring between the ages of 38 and 64.

During this phase, you might also find yourself caring for aging parents while still raising your children, which can leave you feeling stretched thin in your relationship. Finding time for each other when so many others need you can seem nearly impossible.

It’s common to start questioning whether you and your spouse still have anything in common—especially in light of the rising trend of "gray divorce," which has doubled from 1990 to 2020. Many couples fail to check in with each other as they juggle launching their children, caring for aging parents, and managing careers. If you're feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, or distanced from your spouse, this is an opportunity to reflect on what you want from your relationship. Can the two of you reconnect before the kids leave the nest? While couples often cite "drifting apart" as a reason for divorce, the truth is that many simply avoid the difficult conversations that are crucial during this stage of marriage.

Here are five check-in questions that can help you reconnect, understand each other better, and find more time to repair intimacy in your relationship.

1. What do we each want the next 10 years of our marriage to look like? It’s easy to lose sight of your shared vision as you focus on building careers and raising children. Couples often start with a common goal, but without regular communication, they can grow apart. Ask your partner where they see your relationship and personal growth over the next five or ten years. As empty nesters, consider what will give your life meaning when you’re no longer full-time parents or caregivers. Do you want to travel more, take up a new hobby, or become more involved in your community? Aligning your vision can help you build a fulfilling life together in this new phase.

2. How can we handle conflict better as a team? Now is a good time to reflect on how you’ve managed conflict in the past. Do you avoid important topics because you're afraid of arguing? Are there recurring complaints in your relationship? Think about what you need to change to have a relationship you truly enjoy. Ask your partner how you can both improve to make life easier and more enjoyable for each other.

3. How do we encourage each other, and what’s working well for us? It’s important to acknowledge the areas of your relationship that are going well. Recognizing your strengths as a couple encourages you to build on them, deepening your connection and intimacy. Use this opportunity to express appreciation and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

4. Are we both committed to putting more effort into our relationship? As children leave home or aging loved ones require less care, it’s not uncommon to feel exhausted and less motivated in your relationship. You might find yourself uninterested in date nights, social events, or even spending quality time together. Be honest with each other about what you need to restore your energy and enthusiasm for the relationship. If there are unresolved issues that have caused distance between you, consider whether professional help might be necessary to heal and move forward. Accepting each other’s imperfections and grieving unmet expectations can also be key to deepening intimacy.

5. Should we seek professional help for our marriage? Deciding to attend a marriage retreat or pursue counseling is a big step for many couples. Therapy can help you restructure your relationship, rebuild trust, and learn how to forgive. While life’s challenges are inevitable, continuing to learn and grow together can help save your marriage. If the relationship is too damaged, therapy can also help you let go more peacefully, without carrying years of resentment.

Many midlife divorces occur because couples wait too long to address their problems, ultimately making decisions that erode trust. Regular check-ins with your partner during midlife can help you stay close and aligned with your shared vision for the future. It’s much easier to tackle problems together than to remain silent and let resentment grow.