No One Really Cheats on a Whim

When I counsel couples facing infidelity, it’s common for the partner who strayed to claim their actions "didn’t mean anything." They often insist they "didn’t mean to do it" or that the affair "happened on a whim." While their actions may have been impulsive and lacked foresight about the consequences for their marriage, cheating rarely occurs without some degree of premeditation.

Cheating is a choice, and with every choice, there is a moment—however brief—of contemplation. This makes forgiveness particularly challenging for the betrayed partner, as they recognize that their spouse didn’t simply act on impulse. Instead, there was a decision-making process, however subtle, before the act of betrayal. Below are some of the most common behaviors or patterns that signal the premeditative phase of infidelity:

• Seeking What Feels Missing: The cheating partner may feel lonely or unfulfilled in their marriage. In response, they might frequent places or situations where they are more likely to connect with others who are also seeking "something more."

• Emotional Detachment: Before engaging in an affair, the unfaithful partner often begins to emotionally distance themselves from their spouse. This detachment serves as a prelude to creating space for new possibilities.

• "Cheater-Friendly" Situations: Individuals who plan to cheat often seek environments or relationships where an affair can unfold with minimal risk or suspicion. This might involve visiting new bars, coffee shops, or other meetup spots where they won’t stand out or risk being recognized.

• Rationalization: Cheaters frequently rationalize their behavior, both during the premeditation phase and throughout the affair itself. This internal dialogue minimizes the severity of their actions and downplays their intent. For example, in emotional affairs, participants may convince themselves that they are "just friends," ignoring the deeper implications of their relationship.

  
  

In therapy, it’s not uncommon for the unfaithful partner to assert that their affair wasn’t deliberate. However, because cheating is a choice, there are countless moments along the way when they could have chosen to stop—but didn’t. Tragically, this realization often comes too late. While research into marriage and infidelity highlights the premeditative aspects of cheating, predicting who will cheat remains inconsistent. Human behavior is influenced by a complex web of factors, including childhood experiences, personality traits, and relationship history.

If you’re experiencing marital difficulties and find yourself contemplating an affair, I urge you to seek professional counseling. Marriage is delicate, and infidelity can shatter trust, hope, and love. The hurt caused by cheating cannot be undone, but healthier decisions made during the premeditation stage can spare your relationship—and your family—lasting pain. Getting professional help doesn’t just benefit you; it also helps your partner, your children, and the overall quality of your married life for years to come