The Impact of Over-Functioning in Relationships

Everyone experiences episodes of over-functioning at some point in their life. Whether it's at work or in intimate relationships, it's common to feel like you carry most of the responsibility. Maybe it's for a good cause, such as when your partner falls ill and needs medical attention, or when you find yourself as the lead author on an important project at work. Whatever the situation, it is often time sensitive.

However, for some individuals, over-functioning becomes the norm, leading to resentment as they feel they are the ones doing all the chores, solving all the problems, and making everything work at home. Their relationship may start to feel more like a parent-child dynamic, with one partner perceived as lazy or uncaring. When one partner over-functions, the other under-functions, and the dynamics of why and how this happens can be fascinating. For some, it's learned behavior from watching a parent over-function, modeling how to be in a relationship. For others, it's a matter of control or the need to feel needed. Regardless of the cause, over-functioning is unhealthy if it persists in a relationship.

Before resolving over-functioning, you need to identify it. Here are several common examples:

1. Resentment: Over-functioning partners often feel resentful. No one enjoys doing it all to make a family work, especially if they feel unappreciated or taken advantage of. This resentment may stem from boundaries being trampled or ignored. When boundaries are violated, individuals feel defeated, uncared for, and resentful.

2. Fear of Collapse: Over-functioning partners may feel that if they take a break or a day off, their family or relationship will fall apart. This burden can be overwhelming, believing that only they are accountable for daily responsibilities that should be shared between partners.

3. Lack of Balance: Over-functioning partners often feel there is no balance in the relationship, making them tense and irritable. Feeling annoyed with your partner is common from time to time, but feeling that way consistently is a red flag. The excessive stress from carrying most of the workload eventually affects physical and emotional health.

4. Decreased Libido: Over-functioning leads to exhaustion, and feeling sleep-deprived or mentally and physically drained can lower libido entirely.

5. Lack of Self-Care: When consistently prioritizing others' needs over your own, you neglect self-care. Neglecting to eat healthy, exercise, or take time for yourself leads to further lethargy and decreased motivation, creating a vicious cycle of poor health and self-care.

Over-functioning may begin with one person, but in a relationship, both partners play a part. Understanding each person's contribution to the problem can help resolve it, leading to a more connected and balanced relationship. Consider asking yourself these questions:

• What are you gaining from over-functioning? Is it praise, control, feeling needed, or having a purpose in life? Identifying what motivates your over-functioning can help you find other avenues to achieve those needs without exhausting yourself.

• Did you learn over-functioning from a parent? If your parents over-functioned, you are likely to do the same.

• How can your partner support your efforts to stop over-functioning? Communicating with your partner and adopting a team approach can help balance the relationship, making both partners feel needed and in charge.

Talk to your partner about your feelings and try to solve the problem together. If your partner is resistant to acknowledging their role in the situation, therapy can be a valuable resource. A healthy relationship requires two people willing to grow, change, and work together. One person doing it all is not a relationship—it's a single lifestyle. Know what you want, set boundaries, and take the necessary steps to find balance in your relationship.