The Psychological Damage Caused by “Mosting” in Dating

If you’re currently dating, you’ve probably had experiences with orbiters, stashing (your date having another relationship on the side just in case) or ghosting, but now there is a new dating phenomenon called “mosting.” While ghosting is when an interested partner you’ve been dating completely vanishes from your life, “mosting” is a heightened version. Not only do they disappear, but they act completely smitten and in love with you before they disappear. A “moster” lays the compliments on thick and aren’t afraid of the love word. They open up avenues for you to be vulnerable and real with them.

Sex is often the payoff for feigning or exaggerating affection, but, according to psychologists, it’s not exclusively physical intimacy that creates a “moster.” They typically have an avoidant-attachment style which is the most common attachment style of all on and off-line daters. Why? It’s largely due to the fact that relationships are complicated for avoidant-attachment style personalities, and they end up being divorced or alone. They crave love but struggle with closeness and intimacy. They create a fantasy in their minds that there is a perfect partner for them.

Research supports the fact that to be in a healthy relationship you have to be emotionally mature enough to commit to one person, accept responsibility for your actions, and work through the consequences of your behaviors. Avoidant-attachment style personalities aren’t emotionally mature enough to tell their partner the truth about how they feel, so they disappear when they become threatened with feeling vulnerable or close to someone.

What can you do if you’re looking for a healthy relationship but find yourself in a relationship with a potential “moster?” Here’s 4 tips to keep in mind:

1. Remind yourself that excessive flattery is not normal nor a sign of someone who is emotionally mature enough to have an adult relationship. Being “mosted” isn’t a reflection of you, but of your date.

2. Look for signs of them being irresponsible. For example, not being able to get to work on time, blaming others for their failures, or being so preoccupied with you that they appear disinterested in anything else.

3. Mosters are cowards and disappear rather than confront their true feelings. This behavior shows up in dates, but many times it’s missed because you’re excited about your new relationship. Don’t become so flattered that you’re blind to their act.

4. If your moster has already disappeared, be grateful you didn’t end up wasting time trying to make it work. They are inconsiderate and immature. Those two attributes do not make partners feel valued or loved.

Dating can exciting and novel, but being self-aware and tuned in to how your partner behaves with your family and friends, and in stressful situations is very important. Mosting, like all dating trends, will be less likely to happen if you maintain self-awareness. Flattery is nice once in a while but having someone profess their love after being with you once or twice is a warning sign. Be upfront, be direct, and encourage them to get help dealing with whatever they need to deal with before they try to date you.

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