When Your Partner Changes Their Mind: What You Need to Know
Relationships are complicated. Although we might hope that what our partners say is forever, this is seldom the case. Change is natural in relationships because two people continue to evolve and grow even when they are together. While you usually share values, you don’t control each other’s thoughts and feelings. Allowing for change should be part of relationship discussions, especially before marriage. Understanding the reasons behind your partner’s change of heart can help you work through it together.
Below are some common changes you might encounter in your relationship. These changes can cause anxiety and worry about whether you’re meant to be together, but a change of mind doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your relationship. Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on asking questions to understand why your partner has changed their mind. Once you understand what is happening, you’ll be clearer about what decisions are in your and your partner’s best interests.
One of you decides you no longer want a family.
Your partner gets a new medical or mental health diagnosis.
Your partner wants to move.
One of you makes a new friend who challenges your relationship.
One of you decides you aren’t monogamous.
Your partner takes a new job.
Your partner has an annoying habit that becomes more prevalent and begins to infuriate you.
Change is scary for most of us, but it is necessary for a relationship to grow and foster self-awareness and deeper intimacy. Some changes, even if positive, cause stress and worry, while others can threaten the relationship and cause couples to question their ability to work through the issue. Here are some strategies to help couples navigate difficult changes and benefit from the challenges they present, ultimately growing closer together. Sometimes, letting go of the relationship we thought we had and learning how to rebuild our life on our own is the healthiest choice for both partners.
Get clarity about the change and the reasons behind it. Jumping to conclusions when a partner changes their mind is common but seldom helpful. It’s better to talk to them about when they changed their mind and what they believe is behind it. If it’s an acute change, such as depression or anxiety, seeing a medical doctor should be a priority. Many medical conditions present with symptoms of anxiety and depression, so a health checkup can help alleviate worry. Also, ensure that the change is within your partner and not a projection of your own feelings. The longer you’re together, the more likely it is for little habits to become more annoying, which could make you think your partner has changed when, in fact, it might be your patience wearing thin.
Be honest about what is threatening you about your partner’s change. If your partner changes their mind about having kids, what does that decision mean to you? Sometimes, change wrecks relationships because partners don’t communicate about their feelings and how the change affects their plans or feelings about the relationship and future together.
Communicate to understand, not to win. You cannot force anyone to do or feel anything. It is much more effective to talk with your partner, not to them, and to seek common ground so you can work through the situation together. Working as a team to solve issues enhances intimacy and deepens communication.
Have the courage to let go if the change violates your values. One of the toughest parts of a partner making major changes is that it can betray the vision or dream you once shared. You cannot stop someone’s growth, nor can you demand or manipulate them to do what you want for the sake of the relationship. Having the courage to let go when a change is not in your or your relationship’s best interest is your responsibility, and only you can do it.
Embracing change and encouraging each other’s personal and relationship growth is an integral part of healthy relationships. If you and your partner are having difficulty with changes, talking to a relationship counselor, seeking help through marriage retreats, or relying on relationship mentors can help build confidence in each other and strengthen your relationship as you learn to live with the changes.
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